Thursday, April 26, 2018

Progress in Tension & Time Outs


Over the past couple of days I have had the opportunity to be vulnerable and honest with a couple of close friends.  In speaking with them I was able to talk about the tension I am experiencing spiritually.  In a recent post, I spoke to the fact that I can sense God stirring and working toward something.  In a step of obedience, I led what could be considered my first altar call over the weekend and was privileged to see the Spirit move people to commit their lives to living for the Lord, but more importantly, walk into the freedom that is living with Jesus. 

While this was incredible and seems like something that would lead to spiritual high, it has actually had the opposite effect.  I’ve felt as though I’ve been in such a battle over the last few days spiritually and it has been exhausting.  Today, while attending a Mental Health conference, I heard a man speak about living with schizophrenia/bipolar disorder and it hit home in such an unexpected way.  Ironically, as part of his story the man stood in front of the room and stated that he doesn’t believe in God.  While that was not the main take-away from his presentation, it was a big take-away for me.  Reason-being that his story had a profound impact on my own personal struggle right now.  As he spoke about his manic episodes and the last 20 years of his life, he also spoke to very recently feeling suicidal.  He stood in front of the room and actively spoke to his current battle for existence and how he works through that on a daily basis. 

At the end of his talk I commended him for showing us what is truly means to live the existence that is mental illness and not allowing his current state of vulnerability to keep him from speaking to the group.  Although he personally does not believe in God, the Lord used his speech today to speak grace and encouragement into my life.  The reason I was impacted by his talk was because I fully realize that I am walking through a spiritual battle right now.  I am working hard to cling to the strength of my faith while also fighting off the enemy.  I know that I can claim victory in Christ, as my dear friend so lovingly reminded me yesterday, but it doesn’t make the attacks from the enemy any less real or difficult.  Listening to this man’s speech today, moved me in such a way that, as I said to my husband at dinner tonight, the Lord wants me to remind people that it is ok to be real during the battle.  It is ok to allow people to know that there is a battle.

Just because I love Jesus, and have for a very long time, does not mean that I am not a target for the enemy.  Yes, I know who will be victorious in the end but the enemy wants to distract me and hold me back from whatever it is the Lord is calling me towards.  The enemy tries to speak lies to me and fill my head with negative self-talk just like he does everyone else. 

He tries to tell me that I am unqualified and truth is, I am.  The only qualifications I have for stepping into the land where the Lord leads me is that HE is my leader and HE is the guide.

The enemy tries to tell me I am too much for people.  That I have “too much” Jesus and that it puts people off.  Ok, yes, I know that talking about Jesus all the time can put people off, but the fact of the matter is that I would rather look foolish among men, and make a few people feel uncomfortable here and there for the sake of reaching those that do listen when God wants to speak through my voice. 

The enemy tries to tell me that I don’t have a story to tell.  Oh heck no, sir!  Because of the things that I have had to walk through as a result of sin in this world – my God will use them for good and redeeming and Christ-honoring works.  He will use them to take you down so don’t you dare try to silence my voice.  Don’t you dare try to make me feel isolated because there is power in my volume!   

Let me also remind everyone of faith one thing, it is ok to spiritually tap out or take a breather if you know that someone has pulled away.  It is ok to understand when spiritual boundaries have been put in place.  It doesn’t make you any less of a prayer warrior or mean you have any less impact on a person’s life.  If anything, it indicates to the person that you respect their space.  Also, you can still LOVE someone while respecting his or her space.  You can still pray for them, you can still support them, and you can still encourage them.  Just because someone does not choose to engage with you does not mean you are a failure or you have failed God.  I have so many people in my life that this has happened with and it used to hurt, but now I understand that there is a growth process in faith that you cannot force on anyone.  ALLOW THE LORD TO WORK because you will be amazed at how much better he is at this than you ever will be. 

At the end of the day, I am blessed that I am in a place where I know and recognize the lies that are trying to be spoken over my life.  I am blessed to know where to go to look for the truth in the Bible and how to battle through this fight.  However, if there is anyone else out there that is walking through a similar spiritual battle, please know you are not alone and it is ok.  Spiritual warfare is not weakness; it is refining and strengthening. Please also know that IT DOES NOT MAKE GOD LOOK BAD, it reminds people that we are human!  Nevertheless, I know I will be victorious and I know the truths on which my faith and identity stand. 

2 Corinthians 1:21-22
Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ.  He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come. 


Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Burning Light

Deep within my soul there is a burning passion to show you all Jesus.  It is my deepest heart's desire for everyone I know and love, and everyone I don't know, to get the opportunity to experience the depth and intimate love of Jesus.

There has been a passion ignited within me since the loss of my baby for everyone to understand how deeply loving my Jesus is.  I want the world to know just how far He will go to pursue each and every individual here.  I want to be a part of that.  I don't care if they ever know who I am, I just want them to know who Jesus is.  I am perfectly ok with ambiguity and living a low-key servant's life if that is what points to who Jesus is but I am also coming to terms with being seen in order for Jesus to shine.

If you ask anyone that knows me, I have zero fear of public speaking.  I have no problem getting up in front of a room, making announcements, going to meetings with people that are considered more important than I am or dining with dignitaries because I know who I am in Christ.  If, however, you ask me to stand up in front of you (outside of the safety of behind my computer screen) and talk about my personal life or my personal walk with Jesus, I hesitate.  I don't hesitate out of fear but I hesitate simply because who am I to be the messenger? Who am I to share God's work?  Who am I to tell people what Jesus can do for them?

I just ran across the message version of Matthew 5:14 as I was doing my devotional and I now realize why I am supposed to allow myself to be seen.  Why I am supposed to talk about who Jesus is in my life.  In The Message Matthew 5:14 it states, "Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world.  God is not a secret to be kept.  We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill.  If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I am going to hide you under a bucket, do you?  I'm putting you on a light stand.  Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand--shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives.  By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous father in heaven." 

Boom! Everything I have been dealing with spiritually in the last few weeks was just address by that one Bible verse.  It is my deepest desire to bring out the "God-colors" in the tapestry of your life.  Whether you are able to see them or not, He allows me the opportunity to do so.  Through his wisdom and Spirit he allows me glimpses into what He has in store for your life.  It is the most precious and sacred spiritual gift I have.  He involves me in praying for and knowing the path or good things He has in store for others in order to be encouraging.  

A year ago I wrote a post about being the face of something and how Jesus became the face of things he despised in human form so that he could be the savior and greatest sacrifice for those things.  It is time that I allow my face to be seen for the thing I love the most in life.  Yes, even more than my husband, my children and my family.  You can ask them and they will tell you who I love most - Jesus. 

I love the line, "We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill," and I realize that it's time I do the same. Truthfully, I don't even know what that means or what that looks like but I know the Lord is telling me, "BE SEEN." 

In being seen, I am not showing you the highlight reel of my life but rather my deepest and most difficult moments of faith and pursuit of Jesus.  I will allow Jesus to put me on a lamp-stand and be generous with my life and shine.  The key part of this verse that struck me the most is the very end.  He states, "By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God..."  It doesn't state that by opening up with others, people will open up with me and I am coming to terms with that.  This is not my work to take credit for - it is His.  For the majority of my life I recognize being the crisis person that people go to.  I am steady in the midst of most storms because my God is steady.  My strength is drawn from something greater than I am, that never fails.  More recently, I've been the person going through storms of my own but Jesus' steadiness has never wavered.  I want people to experience that same unwavering love.  I want people to have the best resource to cling to during the storms of their lives.  The most constant, omnipresent, ever powerful, loving and faithful companion during trials. 

It feels as though I am rambling writing this a bit but these words and feelings are so strongly stirring within my heart that I want them to be released.  I want you all to know my heart and Jesus' deep deep love for you.  It brings me to tears simply to think of the people I know getting to experience this love or alternatively, missing out on this love. 

It seems ironic that I am vowing to allow myself to "be seen" on the internet like this since I am still behind a computer screen.  Trust me, there is purpose in this.  I want to be able to look back at this and say, "wow, I didn't even have a clue then what that meant but praise Jesus, He is faithful."  Also, for the majority of my writing, I have never known who is paying attention and even still, I don't and I am perfectly fine with that.  I want those silent observers and even the spoken ones, to be witness to what God is working on.  I want the naysayers and the encouragers to witness God's power.  There have been a few times in my life when I've physically felt God stirring and creating something profound around the corner and this is one of them.  My friends, Jesus is stirring powerfully within my heart FOR YOU.  I am so excited to be a part of what is coming and I hope you will join me expectantly as we wait to see what He has in store for us.

Just as Jeremiah stated, "his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones.  I am weary holding it in; indeed, I cannot."

I cannot hold this in.  I cannot hold in the fact that Jesus wants this same incredible, deeply personal, relationship with all of you.  Every.Single.One.  It's just too powerful not to proclaim.

May you sense the stirring in you today and if you do - pursue it!  Jesus is waiting.