Today is the first day in five years that I can say I have no external obligations vying for my attention, my efforts, my production, or my energy.
After 5 years, I stepped down from serving on the board of a non-profit that will forever have my heart. It was the last thing for me to release in terms of public service and volunteer activities after more than a year of letting things go. It was a difficult decision but it was necessary.
As I said to a friend, I feel completely untethered from expectations from anyone, anything, and any cause that was previously a part of my life. It is as though I am on the first page of a new chapter in my life and in my heart. I get to solely focus on my relationship with God, my family, and the work he has in my life. I am not a volunteer, board member, or leader in any capacity in this season and I’ve never felt more at peace.
Don’t get me wrong, I strongly support philanthropy, good causes, and service but within the last five years God has slowly revealed a sobering truth to my heart. I struggle with being a people pleaser. For the majority of my life, I have worried more about people’s opinions of me than God’s. I have found a large source of my identity in things that were never meant to be defining factors in the first place. Aside from the things I would “do” I didn’t know who I was. Even worse, the truth is that I did not believe I was worthy of love if I was not producing. I am still working to overcome this mindset.
This moment feels foreign, backwards almost. I am 35.
Shouldn’t I be most concerned with improving my community and the community that my family is a part of?
Shouldn’t I have a well-established resume and skillset used in a fast-pace forward moving industry?
Shouldn’t I be using my story to make a difference in the life of someone else?
The answer to all those questions above is yes. All those things are important; however, I have realized that I cannot continue to prioritize those things because I lost myself in the process.
Who am I if I am not a volunteer?
Who am I if I am not a leader?
Who am I if I am not (insert title)?
Who am I if I don't produce anything?
What value do I have to society if I don't have major outputs?
From now on, how do I answer the question, what’s new in life? How are you? What are you guys up to these days?
Historically, after the typical, “we are good,” or “life is fine,” response, inevitably I would begin to highlight something I was doing in my life. I would mention some way that I felt I was producing, something that made me worthy of a person’s time or attention, some cause I was involved in that helped keep the world turning on its axis (ha!). Anything that would give a person the impression that I'm not lazy, (or unworthy of their time or conversation).
So who am I?
The beauty of this season and this chapter is that in every part of it, I am me. I am learning that my giftings, skills, quirks, passions and worth won’t disappear if they are not being used in the capacity that I or the world expect them to be on display.
I am learning that there are people in my life who love me as a human ‘being’ not a human ‘doing.’
I am learning how to live loved, not earn love.
Last Sunday at church, the worship lyric was “to love is to be loved.”
This morning, the verse of the day was Luke 6:43-45 and the portion that stood out the most was “You must begin with your own life-giving lives. It’s who you ARE, not what you say and do, that counts. Your true being brims over into true words and deeds.”
The only expectation I have in this moment is the expectation to experience God. The expectation that God will love me for my presence and not my productivity.
I want to learn and embody what it means to be valued and loved simply because I exist. I want to learn how to love my husband more like that. I want to love my kids more like that. I want to love others more like that.
In this next chapter of life, I pray love leads, and is received, from an overflow in my heart and I finally learn that I am worthy and valued just as God created me. Here comes a beautiful adventure!
