not a resolution person this year? me neither.

For so many people , the new year brings in the chance for new opportunities, new goals, new bodies, new ambitions, and for some new beginnings.  We are bombarded on social media by mantras encouraging wellness and stability, pictures of athletes or trainers showing you what "you could be" if you just follow their plans, and news articles promising better organization skills, steps to financial freedom and 10 ways to be a better mom and wife this year.

For a lot of people these are encouraging and inspiring but if I'm being completely honest, I sort of hate all of it.  Truthfully, most of these things have the exact opposite effect on my brain, rather than encouraging me I get discouraged, feel left out, like I'm doing something wrong or that there is something wrong with the current way I live my life, eat my food, or raise my family.

What if I don't want to or feel the need to change?  What if I want to learn exactly what I am supposed to learn by living right where I am at?  I'm not saying that I don't like to better myself but that doesn't mean I have to drastically change my mindset, my appearance or my lifestyle?  What if something I'm focusing on this year is simply contentment?  Contentment with exactly where God has me and actively working through my current emotions of just being me.

Honestly, six days into the new year, I haven't felt all that inspired to do anything.  In fact, it is all I can do to just trust God with where I am at.  Last year presented a lot of challenges and unexpected journeys for me and this year, I am doing my best to just be present in what that still means for my family.

Each morning I have woken up and had to actively pursue God in an effort to ask Him to help me just live in this moment.  I hate the pressure of resolutions or goal creating at the beginning of February because I feel like its a fad at this point.

So if you are anything like me and right now you are just working on being you, not changing you, more power to you!  I understand feeling the pressure to do something, change something or be something different because its a new year but how about we just rest in the fact that the Lord has brought us to this very moment and He wants to work in our hearts and loves us JUST AS WE ALREADY ARE.  After all, isn't that the whole reason he died for us on the cross?  To save us, just as we are.

Final Note: If you are all about resolutions this year, more power to you!  This was written in order to encourage those that are in a similar boat as I am.  Sometimes some people just need to resolve to just be where God has placed them.  Other times, God calls us to move in other directions, if that's your current journey with the Lord, rock on, friend!

Here I sit: Shaken for Others

There are not many moments when I find myself nearly suffocated with grief, fear and misunderstanding but tonight is one of them.  I saw this post recently and it has rocked me to my core.  Keeping in mind that this is in the wake of all the other violence going on throughout the world as well. 

 

Each picture I passed more tears began to well up in my eyes and my stomach continued to turn in knots.  Each picture I passed I said a prayer, "Thank you, Jesus, for our home. Thank you, Jesus, for our safety.  Thank you, Jesus, that neither my child nor I, have ever known this type of fear.  Thank you, Jesus, for medical bills that mean I can provide medicine to both Camden and my unborn baby.  Thank you Jesus, for soft pillows, blankets, heat and comfort."  How did you choose me for this life of privilege?

Yet, here I sit.  Hurting for these parents.  Hurting for these children who in their short lives have been exposed to and known more hardship, hurt, terror and violence than I will ever know.  I'm motionless.  I have all of this knowledge, and moreso I've always had a solid foundation of faith in which I trust that God is the creator and leader of this world.  Yet I can sit here like anyone else and say, Lord, how can you allow things like this to happen?  How can you allow your children, the youngest of your lambs, to endure such pain, heart ache, violence and cruelty?  I am frustrated, I am angry and I don't understand.

As I write this, I don't have answers and this side of eternity, I never will.  All I can do in my human frailty is choose, deep within my sadness, to trust the Lord and pray.  Just pray.  Pray for these children, pray for their parents.  Our hearts break when we see youth go through hard things but what we don't see are the parents out there, putting on a brave face each morning and each night, and fighting battles literally, physically, and spiritually for their children.

In my hurt and angst after seeing this I am reminded that my God, my Jesus, came and fought the battle on my behalf.  He bore pain and sorrow and put himself in my place so that I can one day be saved and be with him in eternity.  He is just like those parents putting on a brave face and fighting the battles on behalf of his children.  And that, THAT, is what I have to place my hope in right now.  I am reminded that this earth, this sinful place, is not our forever home.  Tonight I can't create peace and I can't take away pain but I can pray.  I can lift up these families in the most powerful way I know how and trust and remember that my Jesus who came before me and bore my pain, can do the same for these people.  I pray that someday these children will know a place where there is no hurt, no violence and no pain. 

I John 5:13

I write these things to you who believe in the name of the son of God so that you may know you have eternal life.  This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.

Dear God, 

I beg you to hear me tonight.  Know my heart and teach me your ways.  Be near these families and these children.  Help me to be better, to do better, to be more to your children who are hurting.  Thank you for this life that you have bestowed on my family and me.  Thank you for your sacrifice.  I pray that these families efforts are not made in vain but that you hear their cries.  Be with your children and this world in these very dark days.  Help us who know you be a hope and a light of your love.  May others who don't know you realize that even your children struggle with fear, doubt and anger at the way this world is but in spite of these things we trust in your will and your ultimate plan.  May your love be my peace and your word be my guide.  Father, I thank you that you broke my heart and shook my comfort.  May I be reminded that this life you have given me is not one to take for granted but to make a difference and used for a purpose.  I pray each day you reveal your heart and purpose for me and my family and pray that we trust you and walk with grace on that path.  Be near tonight, Lord.  In Jesus name I pray, amen. 

Now what? Perspective

Now What?

I received a thorough ultrasound this morning and the doctor came in after reviewing the results and said that the lump is my body fighting an infection.  It is absolutely nothing to be worried about so we can go home with clear minds that all is well.  Praise God!

I had received a peace from the Lord the past few days that this would be the news I received from the doctor this morning and I'm more than grateful for it.

Nonetheless, after being in a position throughout the past week that makes you consider the what ifs and how you would respond if the doctor came back with different news, I find myself saying, now what?

Not because I am ungrateful for the news but moreso because on more than one occasion in the what if process I thought to myself, if this....then that.  If I received bad news then there were ways I would improve on being a wife, being a mom, being a friend, being a disciple.

Here I am with a sound bill of health and I just don't feel like I should take this information and get back to life as usual.  Yes, life is going on but why wait on a few of those if this...then that internal discussions.

After a recent conversation with a close friend about goals in life and talking about ways that we like to "find center" I am noticing that this check-in on life process should happen in more ways than one and more often than I'm used to.

Why should I wait to get bad news to ask my husband, what are ways that I can love you more effectively?  To ask myself, how can I be a more patient mom?  What ways can I more visibly live my faith in front of my son, family, friends?  Why should I wait until I have a more sympathetic platform to be bold in my statements about God and His truth?

I often think that someday I will be called to public speaking but I always wonder, what will be my platform?  What will be the subject matter? This is an answer I do not have yet and honestly, I'm not actively seeking this scenario. I know it is not in this season but God will lead me to something.  However, why am I waiting for an official platform when God has been creating one for me my entire life?  My testimony is my platform.  No one can argue that.

Look back at the Bible.  Look at the people God used.  What was so special about them?  Truthfully, the one quality that every special person in the Bible had was they were real, human, broken, and loved Jesus.


I openly admit that I wait for times when I think that people will want to listen or be more interested in hearing what I have to say.  The truth is, ever since I started this blog, I said that it wasn't for me.  Yes, I love to use it to feel heard but more importantly, I committed using this blog to honor and glorify God's presence and faithfulness in my life.  I need to stop looking for something to make me special and remember that my love for Jesus is all the world needs to see.

Today I challenge you, I challenge myself, during the mundane, every day, plain life to stop waiting for a platform and just honor God.  Honor God in our marriages, in our parenting, in our friendships.  Let's let it be known and obvious, sick or healthy, happy or sad, strong or weak, God is real.  He lives, He breathes, and He is present.

hiccups, healing and My Heavenly Father

Hiccups, healing and my Heavenly Father


To say that my pregnancies go smoothly and without complication would be a lie.  Our last pregnancy journey started well before we actually conceived and most already know the path that led us on and at the end of it was a new beginning, Camden.

This pregnancy has been different in the sense that leading up to it was smooth sailing but there have been a lot of hiccups.  I won't use the word issues or problems because in comparison, our hiccups are small with regards to what some women have to carry, both mentally and physically, during their pregnancy.

If I am being honest, so many of these hiccups have seemed like such inconveniences and have really skewed my perception of the miracle that grows within me.  I've been annoyed that because of my body make-up I'm required to put in the extra effort to carry and maintain a healthy pregnancy.  Where last time I resolved to accept and treasure the way God made me because of my body, this pregnancy I've been looking at them as weaknesses.  I don't like that.  I mean, how dare I behave this way when I know full well what a miracle it is just to be pregnant in the first place?!  I don't like my attitude and I've noticed that I need to really snap out of it.

This pregnancy is almost halfway over and I don't feel like I've really embraced it or enjoyed it.

At the same time, I've really been thinking about how my life, my attitude, and my faith impact our son.  As a result of my attitude being in the wrong place, I worry that my son won't see me daily living out my love for the Lord but that is where I realize I've got it all wrong.  I need to be daily living out my love for the Lord in order for my son to be an everyday witness of God's love, presence and faithfulness in my life.  From that fountain, all other things will flow.

Leading a little one is the biggest responsibility I've ever been blessed with in my entire life.  There may be days that I take it for granted but I never take it lightly.

To circle back to our hiccups, a certain hiccup reared its ugly head about six weeks ago and just in the past two weeks has really tried to take a stronghold over my peace.  It's a lump.  I had it before in my last pregnancy and it went away but now its back.

Earlier this week I was so worried thinking about potential negative outcomes that tears would just well up in my eyes.  It is so easy to get caught up in the what ifs and what could happens that it becomes a black hole and you can get sucked in.

I've been sucked in by fear and debilitated by negativity before when I was depressed and ever since I came out of that I have made a conscious effort to never let myself go back there again.  The only way I know how to avoid that is to get on my knees, get in my Bible and get into conversation with God.

Amazingly, but not-so-surprisingly, since digging in and locking down on my faith, my peace has strengthened and insecurities have weakened.  It isn't a coincidence that in all my devotions and teachings lately the prompt has been to remember all of the miracles that God has performed in the past, remember what God has walked me through and remember the outcomes.  And what miracles I have to celebrate?!  I have two miracle pregnancies in my testimony, I have healing and renewal in my testimony, I have restoration in my love story and relocation in my life's path.  Whom or what shall I fear?  God is for me.

In remembering and reflecting on God's faithfulness, I now take time to tell Camden stories about what Jesus has done in my life, in our lives.  He may not fully understand them at his age, but the words are being said, the history is being taught and the stories are being passed down.  The name of God lives and breathes in our home and especially in our car rides. :)  In putting God back on the front burner, He is an obvious daily presence in our lives and we are working to keep that a priority.


With regards to that hiccup, the lump, I fully believe that the Doctors will say that this is nothing more than just that, a hiccup and nuisance.  Nonetheless, even if they don't, God has gone before me and will carry me and my family.  I declare God's power and victory over this body of mine.  How could I not?  I've already been healed and restored once before, why would I doubt that I am anything but healed and restored still?

If you would, in order to keep this victory march going strong and to help me avoid the what if black hole, I would humbly ask that you say some prayers that God's will is done.  I pray that He is continually glorified with each step we walk down and ask for peace, strength, and confidence in Christ.  

Wrong Financial Focus

The past few days I have been extremely focused and distracted by finances.  I am continually discouraged looking at how much further we need to go.  The amount of debt we still have and the unavoidable expense increase that comes with expanding our family is wearing on me.  I am a graduate of Financial Peace University and it just drives me crazy when I don't feel like I have things under financial control. Admittedly, when I stress about money, it causes a ripple effect in our marriage and then Jake also stresses about money.  It isn't a good thing.

God keeps challenging me and simply saying, "I will provide."

So in an effort to release these burdens to the Lord, I am going to write them out here.

We usually heat our old farm house with two wood burning stoves.  We have no wood and it is mid-October.  We will likely need to use propane all winter, which gets expensive.

God will provide.

We have $3,700 remaining in students loans for Jake that I would like to pay off before the end of the year or at least by the time baby arrives.

God will provide.

We have medical bills from Camden's ear surgery and my emergency room visit that exceed our savings at the moment.  
God will provide.

My emergency fund is depleted. 
God will provide.

The holidays are coming up and our discretionary funds are tight. 

God will provide.

Finally, we will need money to hit our deductible and out-of-pocket expenses next year due to having a baby in the spring. 

God will provide. 

In simply stating that He will provide, God has moved in my heart to look at how far we have come and the blessings He has bestowed on us this year.  For example, even if we had wanted to go to our specialist to get a frozen transfer this year, we would not have been able to for the simple fact that we do not have the money.  God provided for us in so many different ways, one being financially, with this natural pregnancy.

I was able to finish paying off my student loans in full this year as a result of a mid-year bonus I received and now we only have Jake's to pay off.  God provided.

We want to sell Jake's truck, we may have a buyer.  God is working on it.

While we have medical bills, the hospitals are willing to work with me on payment plans so I can pay them off in a reasonable and responsible amount of time.  God is providing each month to pay those bills. 

While funds seem tight now, we have been able to celebrate and enjoy witnessing the marriages of many good friends and family members.  God has provided for those moments that we would have hated to miss out on.  God has also kept Jake healthy and physically able to continue to do his job all throughout this construction season.  He is providing jobs and continued work for Jake and our business.

I challenged myself to do this exercise because these things have been swirling around in my head and causing a heavy weight on my shoulders.  They have also negatively been affecting my attitude and my marriage and today I'm choosing to say no more.  I trust you, Lord, for your provision, strength and peace.  Thank you that my "struggles" are far less than what some other people are called to walk through.  I am grateful for your presence and your care.  I entrust my family, my home, and my finances into your name.  

Proverbs 13:11

Dishonest money dwindles away, but he who gathers money little by little makes it grow.  

Hebrews 13:5

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

Matthew 6:24
No one can serve two masters.  Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.  You cannot serve both God and money.  

God Remains

First I would like to say thank you to everyone who expressed excitement and extended congratulations upon hearing our pregnancy news.  We appreciate those that are sharing in our joy.

I'd like to take a few moments to be very honest and work through what this pregnancy has done to my heart so far and dig a bit deeper into showing you my true emotions on this.

I wrote this early on in our pregnancy to just get my thoughts out on paper.

Let me say, I know a lot of people who have struggled with and continue to struggle with infertility.  Have I questioned why God has decided to bring this baby into our lives and not theirs? Absolutely.  Do I wonder why God had us go on our first walk through ivf with Camden only to find out He would bring us a baby this way? Absolutely not.

Here is what I have to say, God is good.  He is good all the time.  He was good and faithful during our difficulty and struggles to become pregnant the first time and He is still just as good and faithful during this pregnancy.  Let me make something clear here, this pregnancy doesn't make me think God is more generous and gracious and miraculous than the last one.  What it does is it puts me in awe of God's plan for our lives and how He weaves and creates our testimony one day at a time.  My God, Jesus Christ, is as capable today as He was thousands of years ago and into eternity.

Through our walk, we have met, ministered to, interacted with, encouraged, cried with, and bonded with a number of people we would never have known so deeply.  In that walk, God called me to bare my soul, my deepest hurts, heart aches, defeats, victories and joys.  Through that walk, people have seen and can witness the power that God has during some of the most difficult and vulnerable times of our lives.

You all know that my cross to carry has been infertility but more than being a cross to carry, it was a heart mission to reach and honor God through His unexpected plans.

As I have said before, the Lord gives me a word or inclination about the difficult things I will encounter in my life.  He gave me a "feeling" that this unexpected miracle pregnancy would be a part of our lives and quite frankly, for a while, I asked Him not to.  I did not want Him to dig this deeply in my heart with regards to our embryos nor did I want to think even more heavily about the future donation process when our family is complete.  I didn't want to be reminded that children are not ours for the keeping but rather they are a privilege and temporary gift that God trusts us with here on this earth.  I have made claim to the life we have created and the Lord continues to challenge me and work on me to remind me, "Dana, these are my children first and foremost and I trust you with them but FIRST you need to trust ME with them. You need to trust in the plans that I have for them for they are far greater than anything you can dream of or imagine."

While I initially struggled with this gift, I am choosing, just like I did during the first trimester with Camden, to be healed.  To trust in the miraculous power of my God and to honor Him above all else with this child's journey and story.

A Post of Honesty

It is hard for me to write this and admit the emotions that I am going through but I have to do so.  I have to humble myself and be vulnerable.  I have to dig into my weakness and expose parts of my heart that I don't want to be seen.

We are pregnant.  We didn't have to see any doctors, we didn't have to run any tests, I didn't have to do any ultrasounds, take shots or take medicine.  We just had our fun and ta-da, we are having a baby.  Who knew?

It doesn't feel right.  It doesn't feel normal.  For us, we never expected this to be our normal, we never expected this to happen.  There is this part of me that feels like this baby has been cheated.  Cheated because of a lack of prayer, anticipation, expectation, longing, faith, you name it.  All of the emotions that went into bringing Camden into this world.  All of the effort that went into bringing our miracle baby here.

But that is where I am wrong.  This baby is no less of a miracle than Camden is.  Doctor's said that the likeliness that I would ever get pregnant on my own was slim to none.  I was already at 50% of a disadvantage than normal women.  Whatever the odds are, cut them in half again and those were my changes of getting pregnant "on my own."

When I took a pregnancy test and it turned out positive, I was speechless.  It was all I could do to walk out of the bathroom, positive test in hand, and say, "Honey, I think I might be pregnant."  Jake made the obligatory walk over to me, gave me a kiss on the lips, smiled and said, "wow, hun."

The rest of the night, we could hardly speak.  All I could do was continue to look at Camden in awe and remember the journey of him coming here.  Then I thought of all of our frozen embryos being stored away.  Because of this pregnancy one less of those babies, life already created, will be mine.  Mine to kiss and hold and raise and snuggle and sing to and, I just can't keep going.

Jake took Camden upstairs to go get ready for playtime, bathtime and bedtime, and I stayed downstairs in the kitchen to do the dishes.  I turned on my worship music and the song that first came on was More Than Anything, by All Sons & Daughters.  I broke down.

For those of you closest to me, you know that I have always said, if we got pregnant naturally I think I would have a very hard time because I will grieve over our embryos.  I've spoken those words, the Lord knows the deepest corners of my heart on this and yet, we are walking this path.  Like so many other journey's that I have been on in my faith, I had a sense in my heart that the God would take me down the path that would break down my heart the most.  And He is.

I am still in the first trimester of my pregnancy when I write this but within the first month of this pregnancy we had two scares.  I had spotting for the entire first month and we spent four hours in the emergency room on a Saturday night because we thought I had lost the baby.  By the grace of God, this child is strong and developing according to His will and plan.  In those moments of uncertainty, the Lord was near to me and comforted me by saying, "You will love this child no less than you love Camden.  This child is my gift just as Camden has been.  I have chosen to give you this miracle.  Trust in me and trust in my plan.  I have plans for this child and they begin this way."  I realized that although the anticipation and the build up was not the same for this baby, it is very much already a part of our lives and family.  This child is woven onto my heart and will be forever.

I write this to share our news in the most humble way possible.  I write this so that I can reveal my heart and give God the glory for renewing me, my spirit, and quite literally, my body.

It is my prayer that God be as glorified by this pregnancy as He was in our last.  My prayer is that while you may not be able to relate to my struggle, you see and feel my heart.