No matter the season, see the faithfulness

I have been asking the Lord how he would like me to process through everything that has happened in our lives over the past year and he keeps telling me to write. 

I then realized that I have not written anything in a year.  Interestingly enough, this year has been one of the most faith dependent and defining years of my life. 

When I look back at other times in my life that I've had to depend on the Lord, I was always looking or waiting for a specific thing to happen.  When it came to my relationship with Jake, I was waiting on the Lord to present us with some type of job opportunity that would bring us to the same town.  When we were walking through infertility, clearly the hope was for a pregnancy and he came through.  This year, however, I have simply stepped in to whatever it is I have felt him calling me to.  It looks and feels entirely different.  This year, I just keep on having to say, "Lord, whatever it is you have for me, I want it."

It sounds simple but it is incredibly hard.  Terrifying most days but so very worth it. 

In stepping in, God has helped me step away or distance myself from things or people that are not meant for this season.  I say that because in this season, everything often sounds illogical, irresponsible, and downright crazy so it has been pertinent that I am surrounded by those that faithfully encourage the crazy and support the leaps of faith.  For those of you that have encouraged us emotionally, materially, and even financially throughout this year, thank you for being conscious of the Holy Spirit and supportive of us pursuing the Lord - no matter what the cost. 

I am aware of the people in our lives that fully understand that when God says do something, it is time to act and I am surrounded by a tribe of people who believe just as much in God's plans for good for us, and all of His children, as we do.

As I write this, I am still not clear as to where God is leading us and I am even more unclear as to what my particular role is in all of it. 

Here is what I know for sure:

1. God has taken care of our family's financial needs in incredible, miraculous, and unexpected ways this entire year.  There has not been one month that we have not been able to pay our bills, even during times of minimal to no income from me.  (Thank you to those of you who have SO generously given in so many different ways.  You are the literal hands and feet of Jesus in providing our daily bread)
*That proves to me that we are walking in the right direction.
2. I have been blessed with the very best partner in walking through our callings and I can see that marriages are made or broken during times like this.  Jake has done as much, if not more, stepping in than I have.  He can literally do and learn anything.  Works endless hours and I have never been more convinced of my husband's love and support of me as an individual and of His absolute faith in God and God's plans for our life.  He continues to become an incredible spiritual leader and man of God and I fall more and more in love with Him as a result of it. 
*Thank you, Jesus, for being faithful in leading, guiding, and improving our marriage as a result of obedience.
3. When the Lord tells us not to worry, he actually means it.  I believe this more and more every single day.  He cares about things ranging from date nights, to clothes, to car care.  (Thank you to friends who have invited us out or treated us.  Thank you also to parents who have visibly seen our need to just focus on marriage and stepped in to watch kids.  Thank you to anyone who has given us hand-me-down clothes or toys. They are so wonderful!)

While I don't think that most of you care to read through a thank you list of mine, I hope you see the point of all of this.  Regardless of whether or not you have been called to the exact career and path you were made for or called simply to release things or relationships that are unhealthy, God will be faithful.

I've always known that I serve an incredible, powerful, and loving God but I guess there are times I am still surprised at his care and concern over every detail of my life.

Know this, you will encounter seasons of plenty and seasons of little but no matter the season, God is faithful to show up.  Today I challenge you to search for and find a way that God has shown up.  If you can't find something right away, keep looking, the smallest detail may prove the most meaningful proof of faithfulness.

2016: The Year of Action

As the year is coming to a close an abundance of conversations that I have had in 2016 are flooding my mind.  I have been surrounded by a group of incredible people who are actively walking through a year of movement.  For many of us, we heard the Lord speak in 2014 or 2015 about plans that He has for our lives and for some reason 2016 has been the moment that He decided to say, "Go. My time is now,"  and we are listening.

2015 could be defined as a year of waiting and patience for me and my family.  The Lord spoke and gave me indications that things would be changing in the future but 2015 was our calm before the storm.  While we waited the Lord moved in big ways with our surprise second pregnancy and that time was spent taking care of me, our developing baby, and our household.  We saved money, we paid down debt, and we prayed.  Both Jake and I felt the Lord stirring in our hearts with regards to our jobs but the Lord kept us in a holding pattern.  Then 2016 arrived. 

Right before Grady arrived we decided to forego running our own business in exchange for a consistent schedule and paycheck for Jake.  Grady arrived in April and then in September the Lord abruptly called me to act.  It was time.  It was time for me to follow His leading and the stirring that had so strongly taken hold.  He was calling me to something new so we jumped.  We jumped into the unknown in a big way and you know the rest of that story at this point. 

Even more interestingly, in the past 12 weeks I have been surrounded by a community of women who have also been called to action.  For some of them this has been a long time coming, for others, it was a shock to the system and the Lord is calling them to simply trust.  I have gotten the opportunity to witness behind the scenes movement of the Holy Spirit in the lives of so many that I can comfortably say that 2016 has been a challenging year.  I can only imagine that this means that big and holy things are in store for 2017! 

God's people are on the move.  They are moving on behalf of their family, they are moving on behalf of their children, they are moving on behalf of their health, they are moving on behalf of their community, they are moving on behalf of God.  These are people walking through times of uncertainty, times where the only guarantee they have is that the Lord is for them.  For many of us, the only thing that we can count on is our faith.  And can I tell you something?  These people are bold and confident in our God.  We know that because God is for us, no one can be against us.  No one. 

I am inspired every single day by these people.  They challenge me to be bolder, stronger and more passionate about what the Lord is doing in my life.  God's people are under pursuit.  He created us, He has chosen us, He has equipped us and now He wants to use us.  His time is now and it is our time to show up. 

Today I write because I feel that someone needs to hear this.  Someone needs to know that they are not alone in being called to big, important, holy things.  2016 has been a year of action but more importantly, it has been a year of obedience.  Blind obedience.   

Is the Lord calling you to something?  Can you feel him doing the heavy heart work within you?  If so, trust him.  Trust that he has your very best in store.  Trust that he has HIS very best in store for you. 

I know in my heart there are others like us who have heard and know that God has called us to bigger things.  He has planted the seeds over the past couple of days, weeks, months or years, and now he wants to see them grow. 

Today I challenge you to be bold.  Know that God is for you.  Know that He has walked your upcoming path and He is defeating the opposition.  He gave his life, are you ready to give yours? 

Our time is now.  For God's sake, move. 

Enough

As part of my new job, I was asked to give my testimony to a group of women.  Some of the women know me well and others are basically strangers.  To think through your own personal testimony in order to present it to such a dynamic group of people takes a lot of consideration, humility and oppenness to the Holy Spirit leading you.

As I prayed through it over a few weeks, one word continued to flash in my mind.  Enough. 

In each of the large moments of my faith walk God has used that word in one way or another to challenge me, prompt me, converse with me, or convict me. 

My first big trust move was trusting God when He told me to take a break in my relationship with Jake.  He simply said, "Release him to me.  I love you enough."  We went on a break and here we are now.

The next move was taking a job in central Illinois just minutes away from Jake's hometown when we were on above mentioned "break" and God said, "do you trust my plan enough?"  Here I am living in central Illinois and raising my sons in the same county Jake grew up in.  To top it off, my parents now have a home less than a mile down the road from us.

After marriage we walked through infertility and God simply said, "am I enough? Am just I, enough?"  Time and time again we told the Lord he was enough.  Infertility became a cross to bear and a way to minister and reach out to others.  As a result, we have our beautiful son, Camden, and in the future this walk is going to provide an opportunity for generosity that right now we can barely wrap our heads around.

After infertility we became unexpectedly, naturally pregnant, and God asked, "is my healing enough?"  I had to actively release infertility as my main cross to bear in order to fully walk in the grace and miracle of our second pregnancy with Grady.  God moved in my heart and told me that I would love this son just as much as Camden, even though their pregnancy journeys were entirely different and taught different lessons.

When it came time to leave my job just recently God asked me, "do you trust me enough?"  He called me to step out in full faith and without a safety net.  Within the weeks after leaving my job He revealed to me, and the Holy Spirit moved in awesome and powerful ways to bring me to what I am doing now. 

It has taken walking by faith on a daily basis to trust that God will provide for our needs but as I have written before, I didn't realize what an incredible root money and materials had within me until now. 

For a SHORT time, I have struggled with what it means to live paycheck to paycheck, to not be able to buy my kids the things that they need right away, and to figure out any and every way possible we can cut monthly costs and reduce debt. 

Yesterday, I woke up in my warm bed, fed my kids breakfast from a small array of OPTIONS of food they had for breakfast, changed into a clean pair of clothes, and sat in my living room while my kids played with their numerous toys and had the audacity to sit, mope, and feel sorry for us.

Since walking away from my career I have had the spectrum of emotions from pure joy to doubt to uncertainty to guilt. 

In talking with Jake last night I admitted that my stress doesn't come from money being tight or a lack of usual finances, my stress comes as a result of my guilt.  I feel guilty that I made the conscientious choice to make my family walk through this hard time because I chose God's will.  It felt like there was a level of unfairness in it all. 

Jake's response and the reason he has my heart was, "honey, we don't have it hard. We have so much compared to so many people in the world. This is not hard. We are fine." 

Yesterday afternoon God also put in my path a documentary on Hillsong UNITED called the I Heart Revolution, which showed what REAL hardship looks like. 

By the end of my woe is me day God said one word, "Enough." 

This time it was said in a parental tone with the underlying message of, I am tired of your complaining.  I am tired of your doubt.  I know you see what I am doing almost every day.  You are not suffering.  I will give you enough.

I can't help but take this into the Christmas season and keep saying it to myself over and over again.  All of it.

I love you enough.
His plan is enough.
He is enough.
His healing is enough.
I trust Him enough.
We have enough.

May these words speak to you in the way they need to this Christmas season and may you know and trust that Jesus is enough.  Always and forever.  Enough.

Let Your Heart Break

Broken heart
noun
despair; disillusionment; devastating sorrow, especially from disappointment

In my personal experience, a broken heart has never been something I chose.  The pain that has to be endured and walked through during heart break can feel so burdensome, so heavy, so uncomfortable and so unexpected that it makes you want to run away, hide, cower, and even deny it exists.

Right now, my heart is breaking on a daily basis.  The Lord has my family actively walking through a time in our lives that is stretching me and pulling my soul and heart in such extreme directions that at moments, I want to run away from it all.

I didn't realize what I was getting myself into once I said, "Here I am, Lord." God is walking me through a season of dependence on Him that I've never been through before.  He is waking up the deepest part of my soul.  Some of you may wonder why I've chosen this.  Why would I choose to submit and release all of my comforts, desires and aspirations to God?  Why would I make my family walk through this?

My eyes are being opened to things I never saw, felt or acknowledged before.  My heart is breaking.  It is breaking into a million little pieces for a million different reasons.  It is breaking for the well off, the comfortable, the lacking, the poor, the sinful, the prideful, the moms, the dads, the children, the Christians, the lost, the educated, the uneducated, the abused, the healed, strangers, friends and family members.   My soul is developing so much strength that I can almost feel it crawling out of my skin because I am getting so filled with love and compassion for all of God's children.  My heart is pounding fiercely in my chest on a daily basis and I am barely scratching the tip of the iceberg of what it means to really need God and trust in His plan.  But you guys, can I just tell you that if my heart break is any indication of what God feels when He looks at his lost children, oh man! Oh how He loves us, oh how He longs for us to seek Him and know Him.  His heart is hurting for you.  His heart is bursting at the seams for each of us. 

All of this is absolutely WRECKING me.  I am literally being emptied of myself and filling up on the well of Jesus Christ.  His heart is breaking my heart for his children.  He is breaking my heart for this city, this state, this country.

In a week where so many people are feeling heart broken and lost, I am praying for you.  I am praying that you begin to find direction not in man but in the hope of our one true Savior, Jesus.  Come to his altar that is filled with hope and love and direction and purpose.  Come to a place where your eyes are opened to the needs of the people around you.  So many people have said that they are willing to be the changes that need to be made in the coming days, months and years and it is inspiring but can I challenge you to do something?  Let your heart continue to break.  Walk in that despair, the disillusionment, the devastating sorrow and your disappointment but don't push it away.  Use it.  Use it to empathize and brainstorm.  Let your eyes be opened to the needs around you.  Let your heart break for those who need it.

As we approach the holiday season, hold onto that heart break and let it strengthen you from the inside out.  Let it challenge you to stretch yourself and your openness.  In the rawness of recent heart break it is easy to say things and make commitments to be better but sometimes in our vulnerability we pull it back together and shy away from doing the hard and heavy stuff because we don't want to continue to hurt or feel discomfort.  Don't shy away from it.  Again I say, walk through it and work through it.

In the very best way, my heart is breaking for you, friend and stranger.  I pray that you get a sense of what it means to hurt and use it to heal.  Do good.  Love your fellow man but don't try to do it on your own.  Seek help, seek Him.  

"Difficulties and mistakes will either devastate our faith or they will stimulate growth and maturity.  The positive differences come when we humbly seek God's help, whatever the situation.  Trials that tempt us to turn away from God should, instead, spur us to turn toward God."  Chronological Life Application Study Bible, page 788.


 

Payday

Monday was the first payday in 10 years on which I did not receive a paycheck.  To say that it is a humbling experience is an understatement. 

In the past few weeks I have been battling intense spiritual warfare on all fronts both directly and indirectly.  Foundational aspects of my life are being shaken in large and rippling ways yet The Lord remains constant.

Indirect spiritual warfare aside, the Lord is digging deep within me to see how much I trust in 

Him to provide our daily bread.  Here’s the thing, I know that I am walking SMACK DAB in the middle of God’s calling on my life.  He has not only worked so obviously in my life but The Lord has literally placed me on the hearts of others and spoken to them about my life.  They in turn have spoken into my life.  Can you grasp the depth of that?  There are times that I can hardly believe the power of the Holy Spirit.  I would say it is like magic but it is far better than that.  It is almost unfathomable that the God who created heaven and earth cares so much about me that he literally stirs within the hearts of others to bless my life and provide encouragement, direction and wisdom. 

  

Yet here I am once again, working on unearthing my idols that I didn’t realize were in my heart.  I am sitting in a position that I never would have imagined before.  I am getting a taste of what it means to consolidate errands, prioritize items on a grocery list from necessary to “luxury” and literally passing on eating certain items that I know my kids enjoy more than I do, namely bananas J, in an effort to save money.  What makes this so humbling is that I chose this.  I chose to walk away from a lucrative career in order to walk in God’s will.  And honestly, a lot of days I deeply wrestle with it.  I question God’s plan for my life and family when I feel like my family’s care and provision are at risk (even though I know in my heart they are not).

  

Hear my heart and trust me when I say this, my God can provide far beyond my wildest dreams and show up in ways that I least expect – I know He is for me.  My intention for writing during this is not pity but as always, I want to be transparent.  I will tell you that walking through this has enlarged my heart and deepened my compassion and sympathy for people who have to walk through this day after day, month after month.  I share this part of our journey because ironically the biggest thing I’m learning now is what it really means to sacrificially give, what it means to provide for my children, what it means to bless them and others, and what it means to fully trust in God’s provision.  I don’t think that it is coincidence that we are walking through this and being refined right before the holiday season, a time when presents are often held above presence.  This will not be a Christmas of excess in our household.  It will be a Christmas of minimalism and focus on the reason and the true gift that we have received, God’s son. 

  

I know that I would not have had this personal awakening had this not been my choice.  Even still, even during my wrestling, there have been more than a handful of moments when God showed up to provide encouragement.  Just in the past two days the Lord has lead people to reach out to me and tell me that I am on their hearts.  I know that I have an army of prayer warriors who are supporting me and seeking the Lord’s will on my behalf.  They are intercessing spiritually when I am weak and show such genuine excitement to see what the Lord is going to work out that it reignites my passion and excitement for walking in the Lord’s will.  God’s word is living and active and speaks into me on a daily basis and continues to provide the words I need to step forward in faith. 

  

As stated earlier, I don’t write this for pity or sympathy but I write to say just wait and see what the Lord is capable of!  This lesson in humility that the Lord is calling me to walk through is humbling to the deepest part of my core.  It is my mission to humbly show that God is real, He is always present and He always shows up and He is always enough.  We will not walk through this season in vain; His praise will ever be on my lips. 

  

2 Kings 7:19 New International Version

The king’s officer had replied, “That couldn’t happen even if the Lord opened the windows of heaven!” And the man of God had said, “You will see it happen with your own eyes, but you won’t be able to eat any of it!”

  

Commentary taken from Chronological Life Application Study Bible, 2^nd ed., 2004

  

2 Kgs 7:19-20

God, not worthless idols, provides our daily food.  Although our faith may be weak or very small, we must avoid becoming skeptical of God’s provision.  When our resources are low and our doubts are the strongest, remember that God can open the floodgates of heaven.

Here we sit: On the Precipice

There are moments when God calls you to act.  Sometimes it is to step out of your comfort zone and pray for someone out loud.  Sometimes it is to give more generously at a time when the purse strings are tight.  Sometimes it is to simply sit and be still and allow the Lord to work behind the scenes.  Sometimes it means sending a text message or a note saying you are thinking of someone or praying for them.  And then there are times like right now.  This time, the Lord has called me to act in a way that defies all human forms of logic.  He has called me to act in a way that to the outsider likely appears irresponsible.  He has called me to move toward, and step into, a high level of discomfort and uncertainty when what I had before was security, steadiness and stability.  The Lord has called me to jump and instead of showing me where I will land has simply said, "Trust me, I will catch you."  

In a rather abrupt way, the Lord indicated to me that now was the time.  It was time for me to walk away from the security of my job, my benefits and my paycheck into a deep sea of unknown.  On the day that He very clearly spoke I had a sleepless night.  Not a sleepless night that involves a fussy or hungry baby but a sleepless night in which I was actually wrestling with the will of God.  When I say wrestling, it was more like God had me pinned, the ref was doing the final count, and I was debating whether or not I was going to try to fight back this round or swallow my pride and fully submit.  

As a usual practice, when I can't sleep in the middle of the night, instead of counting sheep I say the Lord's prayer over and over.  On this night, while I was reminding the Lord of all of my responsibilities, namely feeding my children and paying my bills, I decided to stop and say his prayer.  When I got to the line, "give us this day our daily bread," the Lord stopped me.  He simply said, "all you need is your daily bread.  I will give you your daily bread."  

For the past couple of years the Lord has been calling us to be good stewards with our finances and we have done our very best to listen.  I admit, however, that I was creating an idol out of being debt free.  Not only have I been obsessive about this goal, I had literally convinced myself that the Lord's plans for our lives would basically recommence once we achieved this goal.  Everything I did was to further accomplish a safe financial position for our family while at the same time I seemed to be pressing the hold button on the rest of life.

And now here we are.  We are carrying debt but called into the unknown.  Still, as Angie Smith said in her Seamless study, "God is more powerful than the circumstance I am setting myself in."  

I have now realized that my fear of walking in disobedience to God's will for my life is much stronger than my fear of discomfort.  I am no longer willing to miss out on the good things that I know the Lord has in store for me and my family, whatever they may be, because I am afraid.  

So here I am. Tomorrow is my last day at work. The end of a chapter.  I am writing through this journey in order to honor God.  I write now without knowing what is in store but I trust that it is good.  I know that I serve a big God who has big plans but he was unwilling to show them to me until Jake and I said, "We are in. We trust you. We serve you above all else."  

Yet again, the Lord has asked, "Am I enough? Am just I enough?"  For those of you who know our testimony, sound familiar?    

Yet again our answer is yes.  Yes, Lord, just you are enough.  

Heavenly Father, I sit at your feet today on the precipice of a journey that I haven't even dreamt about.  I sit here with a fully devoted and supportive husband who is literally living out our vows with me.  I sit here with two boys who I hope will see a mom and dad who actively live out what it means to trust God fully.  Lord, today I choose to live the words I trust you.  I choose to daily ask for your provision and I am excited to see what you have in store.  Whatever it may be, I pray that you are honored and glorified through it.  Thank you for your calling on my life.  Thank you for your faithfulness.  I know that you are about to begin an amazing adventure in our lives and I'm humbled that you've chosen us to serve you in it.  

Politics and Faith: Where I stand

As part of my job I am required to follow politics.  I am not claiming that I am an expert, I just have to pay attention.  Since I have to pay attention, sometimes people will ask what my current position is on the election or specific candidates.  Most often, these people already know where I fall on the liberal/conservative scale and on certain social issues.  This year, however, I am struggling to find my place within the political spectrum because I don't agree with either candidates position on a handful of matters so a lot of my conversations with people have gone deeper than just asking who my candidate is.  

 

For background and the sake of being thorough, at the end of the day, I believe life is conceived at conception.  Why?  Because I went through in vitro fertlization and you will not be able to convince me that my frozen embryos are anything less than babies.  Don't try.  This dictates my personal position on when life begins.  If you've terminated a pregnancy, I don't judge you or condemn you.  That was your choice.  There are circumstances that are out of your control and a number of other reasons why people have experienced that.  I don't write my position to shame anyone, I write it for transparency.  If you disagree with me, I still respect you and believe you are entitled to your position. 

 

I also believe that the Bible clearly states that marriage is supposed to be shared between a man and a woman, however, I am not going to argue or picket or judge when my gay friends or family members choose to marry someone they love.  I am no more or less of a Christian or more or less of a sinner because of my position on marriage.  I just believe in what the Bible says.  The good news is, God is not going to ask for my input on anyone else's judgment day so I love and I will support love.  Again, if you disagree with me, I still respect you and believe you are entitled to do so.  

 

It is with great reserve that I even write those things out and share them with the world because I know that it is inviting in judgment and criticism from either side of the spectrum.  I also realize that it could be hurtful to people very important and close to me to read that.  My intention is not to hurt, judge or condemn.  It is with my whole heart that I say I love any and all of my family members, regardless of their race, religion, sexuality, or history and I will continue to support, encourage and be there for any and all of them just as I hope I already am.  

 

I humbly admit that I had to come far to get to this place of love and acceptance.  I struggled intensely and had to have a severe personal reset when it came to my "position" on these issues.  I have stories of judgment, resentment, and anger in my past when it comes to both of these very sensitive and personal life choices that I am not proud of and where I needed to ask for other's forgiveness.  

 

That being said, you could say that the past eight years for me should be a disappointment or frustrating due to the country's shift in legal social policies but they have not. 

 

Just like I personally needed to fall hard and have my eyes opened to my hard heart and judgmental position on these issues, I feel that the church needed/needs the same reset.  We still have far to go but if you look at what the past eight years have called the church to do it has been, in my opinion, a welcome awakening.  Since the country has decided to stray further from the Biblical standards on life and marriage, the church has had to dig in and re-examine the Biblical standards on LOVE.  I feel that more churches and leaders have called out and challenged Christians in what it means to love like Jesus loved.  To live like Jesus lived.  He surrounded himself with those that were not like him.  He was drawn to and drew in the downtrodden, the sinful and the different.  

 

The church is at a point of re-awakening that is so very necessary and while we may not agree or the Bible doesn't support the positions that our country has taken, God knew these things were going to happen. He is not surprised by this.  In fact, I think that he is using this as an opportunity to command us to live out the commandment to love thy neighbor.  He is calling us to do it better.  We are all created in His image.  We are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God.  It's time that we stop throwing stones.  It is time that we drop our stones and walk away from condemnation and judgment.  Just like it took a pivotal moment for Jesus to draw the line in the sand, I feel that our country has drawn that line and we now have to choose whether or not we reach across to welcome others in or stomp our feet, throw a temper tantrum and dig into our unloving old ways. 

 

So where do I stand on this election and the issues?  Here is where I stand.  I stand on the authority of Romans 13:1

 

"Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God." (emphasis added)

 

I hold confidence in the plan that God has for this country.  He will not be surprised by who wins the election in November and He has already laid out those steps.  He knew what would happen these past eight years and I have seen it as an amazing opportunity for the Church to step up and love better. 

 

For those in the church who may have been discouraged by the past eight years, please evaluate how much it has challenged us.  Look at what it called us to do.  In my opinion, I think that when the hard lines were drawn, we actually became better for it.  

 

Things may not go the way you want them to in November, but keep in mind, God knows what we are about to walk through and hopefully, again, the church will come out better for it.