Tackling Grief Head On

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler, there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Over the past week I can say that I’ve done my best to actively walk through whatever stage of grief has come my way.   

Denial.  As soon as we found out about the baby, the dr. recommended the procedure take place the next day out of concern for my health during the miscarriage process.  In the first 24 hours following the procedure, I drank alcohol post anesthetic despite recommendations not to do so.  I absolutely avoided being alone with my thoughts, and I barely spoke the word miscarriage.  Instead I used terms such as we “lost the baby” and “no more heart beat,” etc.  I couldn’t bring myself to say what had actually happened.  I was denying the fact that we were walking through this and that it was now a part of our reality.  Finally, on Wednesday, I got into the Word and that is when I was able to write my farewell letter to our baby and stop denying what we were walking through. 

Anger.  I can honestly say that I have not been angry with God during this process as much as I have directly discussed how unfair things felt and how confused I was about hearing from him on pursuing another baby.  I will tell you that last Thursday, when I posted my first-ever and hopefully last, Facebook video, I WAS ANGRY.  If you could have seen me at my office that morning, I went into a straight up yelling match toward Satan.  Not only had I had enough of the hurt we were experiencing but I was ticked off that my friends were walking through very difficult things as well.  As some of you may have seen in my video, I decided at that point when processing through my anger that now was not the time to back down.  It still isn’t.

Bargaining.  10 days before we found out we lost the baby I had just cleaned my closet out of all my regular clothes and replaced them with all of my maternity clothes.  My maternity clothes are still sitting on my shelves.  I am trying to decide if I should keep them in sight to keep myself hopeful for another pregnancy or if I need to put them away because they are a painful reminder of my no-longer growing belly.  I am working with the Lord on this.  Is this my bargaining? 

I am praying through releasing the desire to have another child.  What’s difficult is that even before we had children, I had resolved that having kids was not within our control. Yet, the Lord has used each of our pregnancies to remind me of His faithfulness and his hand in forming our family.  The deceiver slivered right in there without me realizing it and managed to convince me that children and pregnancies are something I have a say in… welp, fell for that one.  Now I am working toward getting back to that frame of mind that I had before and let me tell you, it feels like being hit by a semi, once again.  I would say that I realize that I do not have anything to bargain with God on.  Instead I am choosing to just fold on the whole additional kid thing.  I’ll let the Lord fill me in on the path our family will go on. 

It is a bittersweet feeling for me to grieve the thought of not having a third child yet joyfully embrace the BEAUTIFUL life I have with my husband and our sons.  Our family has always been committed to fulfilling God’s plan for our lives, number of children aside.  We have always said that God will be glorified even if we had no kids – we remain committed to letting our family glorify the Lord – no matter the party number. 

Depression.  Oh my friends, this is such a highly sensitive and scary place for me to go.  I’ve been here, I know when I am headed this direction, and I know what a dark place it is if I let my mind and my spirit go here.  It almost defeated me once.  And this is when I go into BATTLE mode.  Yes, I have been very very sad, and yes, I have had zero motivation to do ANYTHING over the last two weeks.  Yes, I’ve wanted to stay in bed and not face the day.  Yes, I have wanted to wallow in my sadness and pity myself.  Yes, I’ve wanted to forego my health and choose to do all things unhealthy for me.  It is so EASY to want to do those things.  It is so easy to not want to care.  What is difficult is choosing to battle against those temptations.  Daily, I have to make a choice to fight to crawl away from that space and to pull away from that state of mind.  I have had to CHOOSE to PRAY through that darkness and BEG God to carry me out of that pit when I haven’t felt strong enough.  I have also had to actively seek out the spiritual support and prayers of those I know strong enough and faithful enough to battle on my behalf.  I’ve had to FORCE myself to simply open my Bible and allow the words to jump out at me – even it is just one verse.  This takes effort. 

Acceptance.  It has been less than two weeks since this has become part of our story so it would be easy for anyone to say to me – you are not at acceptance yet.  Nonetheless, I am accepting the fact that the Lord has already used this child’s story and our family in incredible ways as a result of this tragedy.  I am gratefully accepting the fact that the end of this child’s life in my womb did not mean the end of this child’s legacy or this child’s impact on the world.

Also, this child has proven to me that angels still walk among us and any one person can be the hands or feet of Jesus.  I say this because there have been those close to us that are willing to dig in and talk about this baby with us.  Those that have been willing to dream of this child in heaven and to remind us of the joy, health and perfect goodness that this child is experiencing with our Savior.  And finally, someone, a living angel on earth, took the time to write us a letter from our Angel Baby that was so specific to my own personal letter that I wrote it brought tears streaming down my face.  While I know that this comfort and absolutely beautiful gesture was done by someone we know who wished to remain anonymous – this gesture brought warmth and joy to our hearts that can’t even be described.  Thank you to whoever you are. 

The only way I am actively experiencing healing is to face this sorrow and grief head on, and to walk into and through it with my Savior as my guiding light.  That is how I know we will come out of this.  That is why I can accept that there were bigger plans for this child than I am able to realize.  Some have said it is brave of me to be so open about such a difficult and sad circumstance and time period in our lives.  To some of you I seem strong, to others, I seem brave, and to others I may seem “too open.”  As a reminder, my main goal in life and in writing is to speak the words the Lord has laid on my heart.  None of this is about me.  Yes, it is my story and my experience with grief but the Lord directs it.  The perceived strength, the perceived courage, rawness and other things all come from God.  He is the source of all of those things and He will always get the glory. 

Ultimately, I realize that many people grieve and carry things in different ways and for different amounts of time.  My timeline has nothing to do with your timeline nor my process to do with your process.  The one thing I will say is that my God, my Jesus, WANTS everything to do with your process as much as He has wanted everything to do with mine.  He is willing to have the hard conversations and sit in the tough, sad, and difficult moments with you, just as much as He has done for me.  I hope you allow him the privilege of doing so. 

What should healing look like?

The Lord has really been working in my heart the past week regarding my expectations for healing.

You see, I've walked through infertility, we went through IVF and we got pregnant.  With the doctors help and the GRACE of God, we had a successful transfer and now we have our oldest son.  Then right at our first son's birthday, we found out we were pregnant - NATURALLY!  I couldn't believe it, I was thrilled and shocked and had a lot of emotions to work through post-IVF journey.

At that point in time, I claimed the healing that my body experienced.  Going into trying to get pregnant this time, I clung to the fact that God healed my body and I was fully healed and restored and more than able to carry a baby to full term and get pregnant naturally.  While it took us 6 months to get pregnant with our second son, which is a short timeline compared to what we had done in the past, we still believed that God had healed me and we could conceive naturally again, and we did.

Yet, here we are, post-miscarriage and my heart is hurting because in my mind I believed I was healed.

But now my heart wonders, what is healing supposed to look like?  Post-miscarriage, I would love to think that looks like another pregnancy and a healthy baby in my arms after a delivery.  However, healing is not a baby.

I'd love to forget what we have walked through and run away from it for a little bit.  However, healing is not forgetting.

I tried to escape it for a little bit and act as if my life has not been changed by this.  However, healing is not escape or ignorance.

I tried to ease the pain by taking pain medication.  I tried to drink to ease the pain.  However, healing is not self-medicating, or alcohol, or medicine, or doctors.

I tried to simply be comfortable and be at home, among my family, and among our things.  However, healing is not comfort.

I'd love to run away and go on vacation and be away from anything that reminds me of a baby or pregnancy.  However, healing is not running away.

I have realized that until I allow this empty space that has developed within me to exist as a new part of me and be filled by the Holy Spirit - I will not experience healing.

I have to realize that healing is not going to come in any form of a human, vacation, medicine, alcohol, comfort, or diagnosis.  Healing is Jesus.  

My whole life I've read and learned that I am supposed to become less and the Lord is supposed to become more in my life.  There is no other way for me to describe what I'm walking through than saying, a physical part of me has been removed and created a void that only God will be able to fill.  Slowly.  It has to be my choice though.  I have to be a willing participant in this refilling and trust that the things that have been removed from me and refined from my life are going to be refilled by something greater and better than I could imagine.  The only comfort that will ease this pain is Jesus.

2 Corinthians 1:4-6
He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.  When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.  For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ.  Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation!  For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you.  Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. 

Let me be clear on something, the Lord is not making me suffer so that he can be glorified but I am allowing my suffering to be used for his glorification.  I will allow myself to be vulnerable and exposed during this hard healing process in an effort to show all of you that God is faithful.  He will use what was intended to destroy me and tear me down, for glory.  To comfort others.  To allow his light to shine through me as a comfort and a way to strengthen others who have suffered or walked through similar loss.

I do not know if the Lord will grant us another baby on this side of heaven but I am not basing my healing upon that expectation.  I am solely basing my being healed, first, foremost, and always, on Jesus being more in my life than anything else.

I pray that this post challenges others who are expecting and waiting for healing to rely fully on the Lord and to trust, that no matter what your future holds, His presence is healing enough.

A letter to our Angel Baby

This letter is written two days after we learned of the miscarriage of our third baby.  Yesterday I had a d&c and today is the first day I am without this child in my womb.  This side of heaven I will not get to see this baby's face, hold it in my arms, or see it grow up.  This baby is meant for a purpose greater than this world and will be remembered for more than the hurt I have in this moment.

It is written based off of the verse of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and 1 Corinthians 13:12

Dear Angel baby,

I am fiercely missing you and I didn't even get to meet you.  I write you today to promise that I will be patient until the day that I get to meet you and see you in heaven.  I want you to know that you have two big brothers that love you dearly and remind me that you are loving us from heaven now.  God has been so kind in providing these two angels here for me and your daddy.

I will admit that I am jealous that Jesus gets to sing you your first lullabies and see you learn and grow but it is in a way that helps heal my heart.  I know that Jesus is not proud or boastful or rude in having this opportunity before me and that he continues to love me as much as he loves you.  I will not demand my own way because I know that it is not meant for me to physically have you on earth so I want to promise you that I will always love you and keep you in my heart.  Your memory will stay with me all of my days, and I promise that I will use the memory of you for good, just as Jesus uses everything for our good.

I promise to keep no record of feeling wronged and I will try hard not to be irritable when I am reminded that you are in heaven and not with me here but please give me grace in this.  The world can be a hard place and for that reason I am so glad you will never know the depth of hurt that can occur this side of heaven.  That provides me so much peace.

I do not rejoice in what feels like such an injustice but I will rejoice that the truth of God's goodness and love will conquer and continue to rule in our hearts, even when we miss you most.  

Please know that your daddy and I will never give up our faith in Jesus knowing that you are with him in heaven.  We will never lose faith that this experience and loss will be used for good and God's glory and we will remain hopeful that the Lord will allow us the opportunity to meet the next baby he is calling us to bring to our family.  Since you went straight to heaven, we will endure through this part of our story but we also know that it means we will be meeting another baby we had not anticipated.  Please know our hearts wish we could have met you on this side of heaven but we know that you are meant for a greater purpose in our family's story.  We will always remember you.

While "now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflection in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.  All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.  Three things will last forever -- faith, hope, and love -- and the greatest of these is love."

Baby, we don't know the full story now and we may never know but I want you to trust that your mommy and daddy here on earth will always cling to faith in Jesus, hope in His goodness and in eternal life, and so much love.  Know that you are dearly loved, fiercely missed, and so treasured.

I love you my dear angel baby.  Mommy will always love you, my sweet sweet baby.

May you sing and dance with the angels and celebrate the goodness of God's promises.  Know they are stored in my heart and will be kept there as a seal until the day we will all meet again.

I love you my darling angel.

Love,

Mommy  

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 
Love is patient and kind.  Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.  It does not demand its own way.  It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.  It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

1 Corinthians 13:12-13
Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.  All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.  Three things will last forever -- faith, hope, and love -- and the greatest of these is love.  

The Power of Influence

Did you know that being an Influencer is actually considered a job title?  Everywhere I look there are people influencing others with their opinions or direct experiences to either purchase something, use something, go somewhere, etc.  

If we are honest we all want to be considered an influencer, whether we get paid for it or not.  Something within our souls inherently wants to make an impact in some way.  I think that this can be a very good and positive thing but can it become dangerous?

The Lord has really been working in my heart on the subject of influence and honestly, I've really been trying to avoid writing on the subject.  It feels like an uncomfortable space because I know people personally who take their role as an influencer very seriously.  Trust me when I say that it is not my intention to offend anyone that is in that space but rather the Lord wants me to put a challenge out there.

With so many things competing for our attention these days, and the plethora of products available, how do we gauge truth vs advertising and align it with our own personal lives or convictions?

For me, I use facebook, I am active on instagram and I pay attention to the things I follow, the people I follow and the items they promote.  Most importantly though, before taking their opinion or recommendation, I review where their own influences come from.  Transparency and humility are the two most important authenticators for me.

For those of us that want to make an impact, I challenge you today with a simple thought, while you are hoping to impact others, what are you allowing to impact you?

All of my life, my goal has been to honor God in all that I do.  I want to INFLUENCE people toward faith.  In my actions, in my speech and in the way I live my life.  There are many times that I fall incredibly short of this goal but I take courage in knowing that God knows me and loves me, flaws and all.  Nonetheless, I have been caught in seasons where other things become idols and take precedence when they should not.  I've made an idol of money, I've made an idol of planning and control, I've made an idol of beauty, the list could go on and on.  I get it, I've been there with all of it.

My friends, today is not meant to be a criticism but rather a challenge.  When others see you and take your recommendations, are you also allowing them the privilege of seeing what is impacting your life?  Or, may I ask, are they seeing something else take precedence over the things that should influence YOU the most?  

For those of us that want to make an influence, ultimately, what are we pointing to?  If it is not something that we believe in wholeheartedly, something that encourages, builds up, or something we aspire for in our very own life, I pray we can re-evaluate our motives and our idols, to rediscover our alignment and our purpose.  For those of us that are Christians, at the end of the day, do we point to Jesus or not?

1 Thessalonians 2:4 For we speak as messengers approved by God to be entrusted with the Good News.  Our purpose is to please God, not people.  He alone examines the motives of our hearts.  

1 Corinthians 2:3 I came to you in weakness--timid and trembling.  And my message and my preaching were very plain.  Rather than using clever and persuasive speeches, I relied only on the power of the Holy Spirit.  I did this so you would trust not in human wisdom but in the power of God.  

The Importance of Community

Over the last year I would say that an integral part of my faith walk involved the counsel of other people.  There were people such as my pastor that challenge me and help me in a corporate setting, as well as the rest of my church but I am also referring people that have the same core beliefs as me, their own relationship with the Lord and people that I know live out their beliefs on a day-to-day basis.

We all have people in our life, whether you call them your tribe, your community, your crew, etc.  We have friends, spouses, bosses, co-workers, pastors, mentors and people who are in various life stages that we can go to and talk to about life.  This past year, the community of people surrounding me and speaking into my life on a weekly basis changed a bit.  The Lord gave me an opportunity to work directly with the Pastoral staff of my church and it was such an incredible growing experience.  Being able to work with and have regular life conversations with people whose main goal in life is to point others to the Lord provides incredible perspective.  Talk about people that help you keep the main thing, the main thing, Jesus. 

I have also been surrounded by a team of people within my job and social life that are actively pursuing the callings and passions that the Lord has placed in their lives.  These people not only inspire me, but they also indirectly and often directly motivate me to continue on the best path of obedience to God's calling on my life, even though at times, it does not have a pre-prescribed path. 

Lately, I have wondered where I would be in my faith journey without these people. Everyone in every type of community has those people that push them to strive for more, strive for their best, and grow in the process.  My people not only encourage me and support me during moments of doubt, uncertainty, frustration, even sometimes defeat, they help to grow me. 

At this point, I am going to speak directly to the people that are interested in growing their faith, growing their trust in the Lord and being more obedient to God's plan for their lives.  Do you have people in your life that according to your own standards have a stronger faith than you?  More connection with the Lord or that emulate a connection with the Holy Spirit that inspires you?  If not, look for some!  I for one know that I love talking and speaking with people about my faith.  I love getting questions, even though I may not have answers.  I love encouraging people to be more of Him and less of them.  It helps me model and walk in that same lifestyle. 

I have a handful of people in my life that allow me to not only approach them in humility when I am lacking understanding or guidance but that also challenge me or speak things into my life that I know are not from them but the Holy Spirit.  This provides me spiritual insight and accountability to God's word.

Fair warning, before you go and find people to speak into your life, make sure they are willing to speak the right things into your life.  These should be people who for no other reason than encouraging you to be the very best version of yourself, or who God has molded you to be, have no personal gain from your growth and no alternate agenda.  It is easy to be wooed by others but make sure you pray through taking counsel from others who you do not fully know yet. 

I write this to say that growth can take place in community and in the right relationships.  If you feel that you are missing something, strike up a conversation with someone or reach out to someone you trust for support and counsel.  If you are unclear as to who that should be, pray through it first. 

I am grateful for the growth that the Lord has brought into my life through relationship with other believers and those people in my life who challenge me to step into the callings on my life.  Trust that the Lord will provide you the community and people you need to grow closer to Him.  He is faithful.

Proverbs 27:17 Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. 

Proverbs 13:20 He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.

Hebrews 13:7 Remember those who led you, who spoke the word of God to you; and considering the result of their conduct, imitate their faith.

Life's a process: What is the most important part?

My husband and I have recently walked through what felt like a long waiting period to hear back on some news.  There were multiple delays during this process and during each delay, we would step back and say, "it's ok, we will wait. God is working on this." 

We've come to a recent realization after this waiting period that while we thought that God would do work in the OTHER people as a result of this waiting process, he was actually causing delays and pauses in the process to do work in US, namely me.  Ultimately, as a result, our marriage.

After thinking through this and being very much humbled, or hit in head with a spiritual 2x4, I realize that so many of us do this in our day to day lives.  There are a lot of us out there that think we need to wait until the time is right, or we believe that God has delayed gratification on a desire in our lives due to the fact that OTHER people or circumstances need to be changed.  Oh how foolish we humans can be.

After my run in with the spiritual 2x4, I have realized that more often than not, the Lord has brought delay, pain, or long processes in our lives because he needs to work IN US.  It is not fun.  It requires a lot of patience and most of the time I am finding out that I really have no choice in the matter.  At the end of the day, if the Lord wants to do a work in my life, he will bring along or allow, any circumstance necessary until I do the heart work.  For some people, this probably sounds a little harsh, maybe insensitive, and could cause some theological, "why does God allow pain?" questions. 

I prefer to go the route of simple faith.  I will not always know the answers, and I will not know the reasons that there is hurt here on earth.  I do, however, trust that through difficult circumstances God proves faithful.  This proof of faithfulness is only seen by those that actively choose to be in relationship with Him or it is seen through the lives of other people who believe. 

Are you in a current period of waiting?  Have you been hoping that the Lord will do a work in other people's lives in order to better your own?  Or, are you praying for changes in someone else's heart?  If so, I would challenge you today to take a look within you, pray through it and ask if the Lord is trying to show YOU something during this time.

At the end of the waiting process for my husband and I, I realized that I can have reckless spiritual abandon in supporting God's calling on his life, just like he has had for me.  We BOTH now know that it can be hard, and worldly things can be distracting, but we believe in God's will for our family over our own. And we are beginning to feel like leaps of faith are our extreme sport of choice. 

Most of you probably think, easy for you to say, Dana, God always shows up for you.  Truthfully, and embarassingly, it's not easy.  I still get distracted by things that I shouldn't and for the first time in our marriage, we fought, actively fought, because my heart was not ready to hear what God wanted me to hear.

For those of you in the trenches of waiting, trust me when I say that God has a purpose for this time.  It may not show up in others, like you hope, but it most definitely will show up in personal spiritual growth and better yet, stronger relationships.   Refinement in life is necessary and will always happen but it so much better when you take an active role. 

The Float of Obedience

As most of you saw on my last post, I have been filled with a ton of gratitude lately while at the same time, lacking a lot of concrete direction in my life.  In a recent conversation with someone I was discussing how, for the majority of my life, I have always had an audible relationship with the Lord.  When he gives direction, I hear him speak and it is usually very clear.  Lately though, I have felt as though the Lord is seemingly very quiet.

Something that I have come to realize is that when stepping in, faith can feel heavy, burdensome and confusing.  Sounds fun, right?  I think that a large part of the reason that I did not write a lot over the past year is because I do not want to paint God in a bad light.  I have thought about and talked about how fulfilling and difficult it is to follow your calling with friends who are actively doing the same thing and there is an ever-present undertone of, should it be this hard?

Let me be clear in my continually developing thoughts on this, it is hard.  It can feel as though you have completely lost yourself, your marbles, your logic but that is absolutely the whole point.  Every single time I have come to the end of myself and my strength the Lord picked me up, talked me through it, and reminded me that this is NOT about MY strength.  This is not about what I will be able to accomplish, it is about what He wants to accomplish through me.

I feel like I have lost myself at times because in reality, I have.  I am constantly ridding myself of old, life-sucking habits, that do not produce fruit in me, my family, or God's kingdom.  For some people this sounds torcherous, submissive, and weak.  Why would I give up my dreams or hopes for something completely unknown? This is the day in age when we set a goal, go after it and achieve it.  Why should we have to pause and pray about everything - let's just get things done! Everything should be in our control or within our power to accomplish but it is not.  Releasing what I considered best for me has helped me to realize that I didn't even know what my best was.  I wrote about a lot of the positive experiences that have come as a result of stepping into God's will but those came from a lot of introspection, meditation on God's will and lots of time in God's word.

I may not be at a stage in life where my material things reflect richness to the outside world but I hope that the joy within me shines brighter and is a visible example of that "something" different.  Additionally, even during the times that I feel as though the Lord is distant and I am simply floating down the river of His will, He comes through through the voices of others.  Never discount the spiritual wisdom of those you respect and trust within your life because they may be the very mouthpiece of the Lord during your most confusing times.

I realize that there are those that read what I write and don't believe what I believe.  They don't belive that faith is worth giving up their dreams, comforts or luxuries and believe me when I say, I do not fault you for it.  A walk into God's will and a relationship with Him is a personal choice.   For me, that choice, that promise, has become the most life-giving, fulfilling, and rewarding journey of my life.

Today I would simply ask you, does your way fulfill you?  Has it proved fruitful in all areas of your life, mind, body and soul? Or does it ever feel like there is something missing?  If you feel like there is something missing, trust that there is someone out there pursuing your heart at all times.  If you seek it, you will hear the knocking.  Consider answering that knock.  What do you have to lose?   More importantly, what do you have to gain?