Come Sit at the Table

Its July 30, 2018.  Today is the day that I thought I would be done.  I thought I would be done having kids, done being pregnant and done with the childbearing stage of my life.  Yet here I am and I have no idea if our family is complete as it is right now, Jake, our two sons, and me, or if there is more in store for us.  I have no idea if I’ll ever be able to get pregnant again, whether through IVF as with our first son, or naturally, as we did with our second (and third). 

There is a trickiness to being a c-section mama.  You see, I know without a shadow of a doubt that this would have been the day we would have met our third child.  I could tell you what time we would have woken up to go the hospital, the exact time pre-op would have started and the approximate time that the baby would have arrived.  As a result, there were certain times of the day today that stung more than others.  4 a.m. when the alarm would have gone off, 6 a.m. when we would have been expected to arrive at the hospital, and 7 a.m. when pre-op would have begun.  If all had gone well, the baby would have been here around 8:30 and by this time we would have hoped the boys would be arriving to meet their new sibling.  But here I am, sitting at home, writing while my sons nap and tears welling in my eyes. 

There is a release for me today.  A release of the expectation for things to work out on the timeline that I expect.  A release of what the redemption of this hurt should look like on this side of heaven.  And as a result of this loss, a release of my expectations of how God heals me and changes my heart.

There were a couple of months that I expected God to grant us another pregnancy because, well, that might ease the pain or distract me from this loss.  I’m not trying to sound insensitive or diminish the impact of the miscarriage; I’m just being honest.  There were other months that I thought God would work things out in a different area that would be to our family’s advantage in continuing to pursue His will for us.  Yet, none of those things have come to pass.  I am not pregnant.  We are still very actively working through some things for our household and our budget and I know that I need to stop putting God in a box outlined by human outcomes. 

I’ve tried to negotiate my way out of this pain in so many different ways in my walk with the Lord.  I’ve tried to negate the pain or distract myself from my hurt but that is when God has drawn closest.  I now realize that it is in fact during our times of greatest weakness that the Lord can press in and fill in spaces of our heart that we thought were unfixable. 

I now know that in this rawness and vulnerable heart space that the Lord has such immense love and longing for each of His children.  I consider it my greatest purpose to simply show people how much he loves them - just as they are.  Not because of anything they have or haven’t done.  Not because of a specific level of strength or weakness.  Not because they know the Bible by heart or sing well during worship.  Just because.  Love has been my most powerful lesson because that is exactly how He has healed me. 

There have been moments in the last six months that I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t pretend to be ok.  I couldn’t pretend to feel fulfilled or know how to move forward.  I couldn’t sing or worship and I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t upset with God that things worked out the way they did.  Don’t get me wrong, I know where fault lies in all of this – this isn’t a debate on theology and spiritual warfare.  Its an honest portrayal of walking through and battling for faith after loss in my life.  Its coming to the jarring realization that no matter how you’ve served or what your faith walk looks like – bad things still happen to you, bad things happen to anyone.  And yet, here I sit – knowing I am deeply and passionately loved by Jesus.  I know just how true it is that he will leave the 99 and pursue me.  I know that I will not be abandoned by Him. 

Grief can make even the most connected person feel lonely and isolated by humans but with Jesus, healing is possible.  I miss this baby with everything in me and unlike anyone else ever will but I can’t neglect to highlight exactly how far Jesus has gone to pursue my heart over and over and over again in the last six months.  He has shown me and unearthed a level of compassion and love for others during this time that I would have never known without being broken apart and slowly put back together again. 

It is so very hard to walk through difficult times and it is even harder to press into faith and Jesus during those moments but when you do – there is a level of love and surrender unlike anything you’ll ever know. 

My heart is broken but it has finally been broken by Jesus.  I can confidently say that I know the Lord is going to use this broken heart for bonding with others through brokenness and building stronger faith.  Our table has seen and felt heartache this year that we never knew before but because of it our table has new seats of understanding and compassion.  With each new journey, God expands my empathy and it will be used for His glory.  So please, don’t ever feel alone - come to the table – I pray we never tire of serving His grace, love and forgiveness through the sharing of heartache, brokenness, joy and laughter.   

Humanity in Emotion

Throughout the last few months I’ve wrestled with an expectation of myself in that I assume that when I grieve I lose joy.  Slowly but surely I am realizing that is an absolute lie.  Just as healing can only come from Jesus, the same is true about joy.  Joy is considered a fruit of the spirit and its something gained when you are in right relationship with God regardless of the earthly circumstances you are walking in.  It is not something that is of our own strength.  It can also be present during the most unusual and difficult times.  The presence of grief does not mean the absence of joy.  In fact, I would even argue that grief opens up a new level of joy that wasn’t realized before because of the gratitude that comes during the grieving process.

Think about the times that you have truly grieved something in your life.  It can be a season that you grieved such as ending college or changing careers.  It can be a person that has passed away or a relationship that ended.  In each of these circumstances, the grief over what has ended or been lost does not negate the joy that existed or exists as a result of that season, person or experience.

I feel that this is often a misconception about faith and relationship with Jesus as well.  Just because someone is in relationship with Jesus does not mean that they have all the answers, nor the ability to be carefree.  The presence of faith does not mean the absence of doubt.  The presence of faith does not mean the absence of human emotion or even sin for that matter.  It does, however, mean that there is a direct line of information, spiritual gifts and forgiveness available to you through God’s Word and the Holy Spirit that will bring healing and wholeness through Jesus.   

I think that often we set ourselves up for failure in thinking that we can only experience one emotion at a time, which is absurd.  It also frustrates me that when a person is open and honest about the tough emotions (anger, sadness, grief, jealousy) society assumes that those are the only emotions that person is capable of feeling and sometimes they become ostracized.  The fact of the matter is that when someone is open about the tough stuff it simply makes other people uncomfortable and that’s on them not the person trying to be honest in processing their emotions. 

Jesus did this so well.  He walked this earth and challenged the common way of thinking and he made people uncomfortable for all of the right reasons.   There will be times in our own lives that if we are really allowing God’s light to shine through us – others will be uncomfortable.  At the end of the day, that is on them – not us.  If something you are walking through or experiencing in your life or your faith walk makes another person uncomfortable it means that they have some digging, processing and healing to do on their own time.  It does not mean that we need to coddle their discomfort, mask our emotions, and/or play a part of some kind in order to fit in. 

We have all been created to experience the full range of emotions differently and to do so in community and in love.  As I continue to read the book of Job, I see that Job’s emotions and wrestling with God made his friends uncomfortable but why?  It is because they had their own preconceptions and ideologies of what being in relationship or in favor with God meant.  Even Job had to wrestle through and question what he defined as God’s favor. 

Ever since the loss of my own naiveté of what it feels like to live without suffering, I have come to realize that the depth and breadth of my own personal emotional understanding and relationship with Jesus has vastly been changed.  I now have such an appreciation for what it meant for Jesus to walk the earth, deeply engage in relationship, experience loss as well as opposition and continue to treat everyone with grace and love.  And while I am not called to sacrifice myself for any of you, I am willing to sacrifice myself for Him in an effort to show just how deeply loved you are.  Plus, the simple fact that he himself experienced all of the hard emotions that we walk through here on earth deepens my love and appreciation for him and the effort He put in to saving me. 

I’ll end with this.  Today when I felt myself beginning to feel sadness and grieve our angel baby I simply allowed the spirit to pray for me and in that moment I was overwhelmed.  The Lord spoke to me and said; “you know the tears you’ve shed over your lost child and the joy you have in your other children – imagine the tears I shed over all of my lost children and the joy I have in those that are found?”  I wept.  I simply wept.  If the world only knew how much God loves us!  If you only knew how cherished you are – goodness, would your life change.  I realize a lot of my Jesus talk and God moment stories and Holy Spirit references make people uncomfortable, but if even just one person can sense, feel and turn to the grace and open arms God has for them, this is all worth it.  Today I pray that you know God’s heart for you, I pray that you realize that He knows EXACTLY how you are feeling and He loves you just as you are.  Don’t be ashamed to feel – God created you for just that and when you feel that its time to know Jesus – don’t be afraid of that either.  He is waiting for you. 

Lessons in Grieving

As we enter into what would have been the birth month of our third baby, due date July 30, there have been a few things laid on my heart to share regarding living with grief.

The best way for me to describe grief would be in terms of a fog.  Fog can be debilitating and cause you to stop in your tracks, it can be distracting or disorienting in the sense that you no longer see the lines that typically guide your path, and it can be dense enough to block out everything around you so all you can do is just focus on where you are at right in that moment and take one step at a time to proceed to your destination.

Grief works the same way.  Throughout the last few months I have experienced all of the above and the key has been to simply keep taking the next step.  The tricky part about grief is that it sneaks up on you in the most unexpected moments.

Please hear me when I say that grief and joy are not directly correlated.  It is possible to still be joyful and yet have grief be a very real and present emotion in your life.  Proverbs 14:13 says that "Laughter can conceal a heavy heart, but when the laughter ends, the grief remains."  Additionally, grief and gratitude are also not directly correlated.  In what I consider to be one of the most powerful chapters of the Bible, Job, Job 1:20 states "Job stood up and tore his robe in grief.  Then he shaved his head and fell to the ground to worship."  This imagery hits directly into my soul.  The most powerful thing I've been able to do during this process is worship despite my grief because that is where the Lord meets me and brings me joy. 

For anyone who has lost someone, the fact that they are grieving does not negate their gratitude and appreciation for the loved ones that remain here.  While there is comfort drawn from those loved ones - it does not take away the pain of the loss they have experienced.  I write that because there have been many moments when friends or family note how blessed I am to still have my sons and yes - I am extremely blessed to have them, however, it doesn't mean I didn't still love and long for that third child.  As Jeremiah 10:19 states, "My wound is severe, and my grief is great.  My sickness is incurable, but I must bear it."  Grief is not curable, however, it does change, it does become more manageable but its not going to be according to any personal timeline.  It just takes time.

While my loss appears differently than the loss of others, these are lessons within the grieving process that I feel are applicable and unless spoken they will not be understood or recognized by those who have never been in the trenches of grief.

Finally, I know that it is uncomfortable to ask people about their loss because you are afraid of stirring up some negative emotions or sadness but can I ask you to do something?  Don't be so afraid of someone's tears that you aren't willing to see their heart.  Yes, it can be uncomfortable to see people cry but when people who have lost someone don't feel that they have the ability to be vulnerable or honest about their emotions, it can be an incredibly lonely feeling.  While I appreciate the fact that you care enough not to hurt them - can you care enough to be willing to help them bear their hurt?  For many people, being able to talk about the one they lost brings healing.  It may not be in a way that you understand but sometimes the most meaningful thing you can do is to willingly bring it up, talk about it, and ask questions.  If they don't want to talk about it I can bet they will tell you that and ask for grace in giving them their space.  I know that even if I am not in a place to talk, I do appreciate the effort made.  While no one else on this side of heaven got to know my baby the way I did - it doesn't mean that it didn't effect me. 

God has been faithful to redeem the heartache of my loss one step at a time and I can genuinely say that I am in a good place with a peace that surpasses my understanding.  I know Jesus in ways that I never knew him before and I am continually learning the strength that is found in weakness, loss, and vulnerability.  Today I challenge you - have the tough conversation and ask the hard questions, your temporary discomfort is nothing compared to the lifetime of grief that person will experience.  Move forward with a Holy Confidence that there is healing in the hard and wisdom drawn from hurt.

Thanks for your time. 

Kingdom Dreaming

I have been convicted lately in feeling that I've been highlighting the negative of my life more often than I have been giving praise for the good that exists right now.  While I believe in transparency and being honest with my thoughts, I also believe in pressing into the positive and I'm tired of not being able to do that so this is my active effort to shift into positivity, joy and hope.

I wrote a while ago that Jake and I were functioning in SERVE-ival mode and I'm happy to say that while we are still in a season of seeking our daily bread on a daily basis, the Lord has given us the ability to dream once again.  Although, this dreaming is not in regards to our personal lives but in regards to dreaming of how WE can make a positive impact on God's kingdom with our time here on earth. 

I believe Brian Houston would refer to this as kingdom dreaming and it is far better than any dreaming I've ever been able to do on my own.  These dreams that are laid upon our hearts are dreams that are not of us but ones that we are called to participate in.  We have no idea how they will happen, when they will happen, or our exact involvement in them besides the fact that we are called to steward them and when the time is right work with in the Lord's strength and provision to make them happen. 

Kingdom dreams come from hearts of complete abandonment and a deep deep desire to simply honor God with all that we are.  All that we have. All that we can do.  In the pursuit of God's calling on our lives He has highlighted giftings within us that almost feel foolish yet, we can be encouraged that they are there because our Creator has put them there.  Do you know what it feels like to have a spirit-filled self-worth?  Amazing. 

In kingdom dreaming, the Lord highlights how past experiences and current experiences are leading you and forming you for something greater than you could imagine.  My friend so beautifully prayed yesterday, "thank you, Jesus, for giving us God-sized dreams as humans because we know that they can only be accomplished by you working through us." 

The best part is that our Kingdom dreams almost take us entirely out of it and we can wholly put it on God to help us foster and steward their development in His time.  It takes one step of obedience at a time.  One day of serving at a time and a faith-filled boldness that seems foolish to the world but yet - God is faithful.

We are in another season of waiting to see exactly how God will bring the evolution of these dreams to pass. My goodness, you guys! There is some seriously exciting stuff that God has planned for someday and such a time as this.  God has such a heart for us all and even more excitingly he is calling my husband and I into these dreams together.  What a sign of faithfulness to the covenant of marriage.  God is so good. 

Today I simply write to express my gratitude for the ability to kingdom dream and to do so with my husband.  I'm grateful for the opportunity to sit front row and watch my husband's heart and passions evolve into something that will revolutionize relationship.  Thank you, Jesus, for this life and showing up in the midst of the trenches. 

Missing the Miraculous

The last few weeks have been difficult for me emotionally.  Yesterday I couldn't hold back tears that came for what felt like no reason.  As my sons played in their toy room upstairs I stood at the kitchen sink doing the dishes and cried.  Finally I simply uttered, "Lord, help me.  I feel weak.  I don't have any strength in this on my own.  I need you.  Be my strength."

Our pastors over the last two weeks have been discussing creating margin and taking time away from distractions so yesterday I decided to take that into consideration and switched up my devotional time.  It is no coincidence that I haven't been in the word much over the last week and my emotional load has been heavier, just saying.  

As I walked away from my sons' bedroom I simply asked, "Lord, what do you want me to read today?"  I simply heard, "Luke."  Spontaneously I grabbed my husband's Bible instead of my own and opened up to the Gospel of Luke.  I literally SHUT OFF my phone, no do not disturb, no ringer on vibrate, I shut it off completely - what a concept.  Before I really got to dig in my four year old son came in and tried to delay his inevitable nap but I told him, "Buddy, mommy's attitude hasn't been very good lately.  I really really need my quiet time with Jesus today."  He immediately understood, gave me a hug and walked back into his room.  Thank you, Jesus, for moving in that moment and granting him that understanding.

The thing about my husband's Bible is that it is not a commentary Bible or "study" Bible unlike mine.  Its just the word.  God's word.  As I read, I simply said, "Lord let your word speak."  I read Luke 1-7 and realized exactly why the Lord had me there.  This book of the Bible records Jesus' conception as well as a large number of miracles he did among the people in his time on earth.

I knew what he was telling me.  He was reminding me of his faithfulness to so many others and of all the miracles he has performed.  He was reminding me that I am not forgotten and He will continue to work for my good - I just can't see it right now.  This is all for a purpose.

You want to know my initial thoughts after reading it?  I miss the miraculous in my life.  I realized that I have clung to my pregnancies so firmly because they have been such a living testament to the MIRACLES that God has done in my life.  I miss the pregnancy, not simply because I miss that baby that I will not meet but I miss the tangible example of the miraculous in my life.

Hey guys, guess what I realized this morning!?  I have two living, breathing, daily reminders of the miraculous in my life.  I have a husband that is a daily reminder to me of someone's capacity to love without end, even in my worst of moods.  Our home is tangible proof of God's hand over our decisions and finances.  The food on our table, the heat, air conditioning, and cars in our garage are proof of the miraculous provision from him over the past couple of years.  Even my husband's job is an answer to prayers and circled back into our path in a miraculous and unexpected way.  Are you tracking with me on this? 

What I realized this morning is that I don't need a human growing inside of me to see God's hand and covering over my family's life.  My pregnancies are not the only miracles I've ever experienced.  Yes, they were some of the biggest and most apparent but they aren't the only.  I just need to open my eyes to the goodness surrounding me.  The miraculous is always around - if you open your eyes to see it.

Today I am grateful that the Lord took me to a place in His word that reminded me that miracles don't always come in the ways that we comprehend but that the miraculous and God's presence are there in the subtleties of life.

Being able to write this week feels like being able to actually breathe again. I'm so grateful for the subtle grace of God showing up in times of extreme weakness.  Can you feel it today?  Can you see the miracles?  There can be strength found in the subtleties of your life.  Look for it.  The miraculous is there, I promise. 

Would I do it differently?

At a dinner with friends last night I was discussing the fact that we had been feeling weary lately.  Weary in waiting on the Lord and weary in a tight financial season.  This couple is the couple that we can share everything with, they are the friends to us that we need to see on a monthly basis simply for the sake of being together.  They know us, they walk with us, and at times it feels like they carry us through all seasons of our lives.  They have walked with us from dating into marriage, infertility to child-rearing, and miscarriage into laughter.  I am so grateful for them and I also know that they are a safe space and we can always be completely open and honest with them.  

As we were talking, my friend simply asked me, "have you considered just getting a regular job so you can pay your bills and then do all of this on the side?"

The short answer is yes, but, I won't.  As I have been writing over the last couple of weeks I have been sharing that the Lord is on the cusp of bringing something new into my life and I don't know what it is.  While I am comfortable in the waiting, it can be weary FULLY relying on the Lord to provide for our needs.  We all KNOW how stressful finances are and most people know what it is like to live paycheck to paycheck.  We are in that boat and you know what, IT IS OK.

I have admitted that the Lord continues to have to work with us on refining the idol of money in our hearts and I genuinely believe that we are daily choosing to knock it down.  How so?  Daily we keep track of what our most important financial priorities are.  For us, that often looks like forgoing purchasing anything extra throughout the day.  For me, it looks like wearing the same wardrobe of clothes year after year and only getting new clothes from hand-me-downs, or buying essentials like camis from Wal-mart.  For Jake, it looks like stretching out that tool or doing maintenance on our cars himself instead of hiring someone.  None of these things are deal breakers and all of them are manageable.  Indulging materially is not an option.

You know what we have been able to indulge on?  Family time!  We have been able to make more meaningful and impactful memories over the past year as a family and as husband and wife than many of the years prior.  Yes, before we took amazing trips but now, everything we do, is done with more intention than was ever considered before.  We are also grateful for the generosity of our parents in multiple different regards - shout out, we love you mom and dad (both sets)!  From treating us to dinners out to heavily discounting vacations, you guys have given us the opportunity to indulge in life at a time when we wouldn't be able to on our own. 

We have also been able to indulge in friendship with incredible intentionality.  Not working five days a week has reduced my work stress level immensely so going to those impromptu cook-outs on Wednesday or even Sunday nights are a lot more manageable.  I am no longer too stressed to jump in and be spontaneous in an (budget-friendly 😉) activity with friends on a weeknight.  Our time is ours, not anyone else's.  

Finally, we have been able to indulge in our faith.  Not only have we been able to serve more readily, but out of sheer need, we have dug into seeking God's will for our family.  I have never been more confident of Jake's love, respect and adoration for me and my gifting and God's role in our marriage.  He has proven to me time and time again of his trust in the Lord and me.  Not once has he wavered.  God has also begun to reveal ministry points within us that we didn't realize on our own. 

You see, we may not have a lot of money right now but we have an incredibly close family bond, I have a loving husband and a thriving marriage and the boys have a present and involved father and most importantly we have our faith.  A faith that has proven real in the most tangible and intangible ways over and over again.  What more could I really ask for?

I wanted to write this today to remind you that when I am transparent with you during the difficult moments, my intention is not to make God look bad but to be honest as far as what walking into your calling can feel like. It can wear you down but it takes a conscious effort to see the bright-side. 

As the question from my friend so quickly revealed to her and I, I am not willing to trade this season or step away from the work God has me doing in order to feel more comfortable.  I will not trade the time that I have, the quality of my marriage or the ability to be present with our kids right now.  God has us walking in this season for a reason and while the fruitfulness of our lives is not showing up in dollar signs, God has been so faithful to bring fruit in much more important ways.

I hope that you see the fruit in your walk with the Lord today.  I hope the weight of the good fruit far outweighs the weight of the weariness.  God is faithful to provide for your needs - just pay attention because He may be showing up in a different way than you expect. 

Progress in Tension & Time Outs

Over the past couple of days I have had the opportunity to be vulnerable and honest with a couple of close friends.  In speaking with them I was able to talk about the tension I am experiencing spiritually.  In a recent post, I spoke to the fact that I can sense God stirring and working toward something.  In a step of obedience, I led what could be considered my first altar call over the weekend and was privileged to see the Spirit move people to commit their lives to living for the Lord, but more importantly, walk into the freedom that is living with Jesus. 

While this was incredible and seems like something that would lead to spiritual high, it has actually had the opposite effect.  I’ve felt as though I’ve been in such a battle over the last few days spiritually and it has been exhausting.  Today, while attending a Mental Health conference, I heard a man speak about living with schizophrenia/bipolar disorder and it hit home in such an unexpected way.  Ironically, as part of his story the man stood in front of the room and stated that he doesn’t believe in God.  While that was not the main take-away from his presentation, it was a big take-away for me.  Reason-being that his story had a profound impact on my own personal struggle right now.  As he spoke about his manic episodes and the last 20 years of his life, he also spoke to very recently feeling suicidal.  He stood in front of the room and actively spoke to his current battle for existence and how he works through that on a daily basis. 

At the end of his talk I commended him for showing us what is truly means to live the existence that is mental illness and not allowing his current state of vulnerability to keep him from speaking to the group.  Although he personally does not believe in God, the Lord used his speech today to speak grace and encouragement into my life.  The reason I was impacted by his talk was because I fully realize that I am walking through a spiritual battle right now.  I am working hard to cling to the strength of my faith while also fighting off the enemy.  I know that I can claim victory in Christ, as my dear friend so lovingly reminded me yesterday, but it doesn’t make the attacks from the enemy any less real or difficult.  Listening to this man’s speech today, moved me in such a way that, as I said to my husband at dinner tonight, the Lord wants me to remind people that it is ok to be real during the battle.  It is ok to allow people to know that there is a battle.

Just because I love Jesus, and have for a very long time, does not mean that I am not a target for the enemy.  Yes, I know who will be victorious in the end but the enemy wants to distract me and hold me back from whatever it is the Lord is calling me towards.  The enemy tries to speak lies to me and fill my head with negative self-talk just like he does everyone else. 

He tries to tell me that I am unqualified and truth is, I am.  The only qualifications I have for stepping into the land where the Lord leads me is that HE is my leader and HE is the guide.

The enemy tries to tell me I am too much for people.  That I have “too much” Jesus and that it puts people off.  Ok, yes, I know that talking about Jesus all the time can put people off, but the fact of the matter is that I would rather look foolish among men, and make a few people feel uncomfortable here and there for the sake of reaching those that do listen when God wants to speak through my voice. 

The enemy tries to tell me that I don’t have a story to tell.  Oh heck no, sir!  Because of the things that I have had to walk through as a result of sin in this world – my God will use them for good and redeeming and Christ-honoring works.  He will use them to take you down so don’t you dare try to silence my voice.  Don’t you dare try to make me feel isolated because there is power in my volume!   

Let me also remind everyone of faith one thing, it is ok to spiritually tap out or take a breather if you know that someone has pulled away.  It is ok to understand when spiritual boundaries have been put in place.  It doesn’t make you any less of a prayer warrior or mean you have any less impact on a person’s life.  If anything, it indicates to the person that you respect their space.  Also, you can still LOVE someone while respecting his or her space.  You can still pray for them, you can still support them, and you can still encourage them.  Just because someone does not choose to engage with you does not mean you are a failure or you have failed God.  I have so many people in my life that this has happened with and it used to hurt, but now I understand that there is a growth process in faith that you cannot force on anyone.  ALLOW THE LORD TO WORK because you will be amazed at how much better he is at this than you ever will be. 

At the end of the day, I am blessed that I am in a place where I know and recognize the lies that are trying to be spoken over my life.  I am blessed to know where to go to look for the truth in the Bible and how to battle through this fight.  However, if there is anyone else out there that is walking through a similar spiritual battle, please know you are not alone and it is ok.  Spiritual warfare is not weakness; it is refining and strengthening. Please also know that IT DOES NOT MAKE GOD LOOK BAD, it reminds people that we are human!  Nevertheless, I know I will be victorious and I know the truths on which my faith and identity stand. 

2 Corinthians 1:21-22

Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ.  He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.