Wednesday, September 30, 2015

A Post of Honesty

It is hard for me to write this and admit the emotions that I am going through but I have to do so.  I have to humble myself and be vulnerable.  I have to dig into my weakness and expose parts of my heart that I don't want to be seen.

We are pregnant.  We didn't have to see any doctors, we didn't have to run any tests, I didn't have to do any ultrasounds, take shots or take medicine.  We just had our fun and ta-da, we are having a baby.  Who knew?

It doesn't feel right.  It doesn't feel normal.  For us, we never expected this to be our normal, we never expected this to happen.  There is this part of me that feels like this baby has been cheated.  Cheated because of a lack of prayer, anticipation, expectation, longing, faith, you name it.  All of the emotions that went into bringing Camden into this world.  All of the effort that went into bringing our miracle baby here.

But that is where I am wrong.  This baby is no less of a miracle than Camden is.  Doctor's said that the likeliness that I would ever get pregnant on my own was slim to none.  I was already at 50% of a disadvantage than normal women.  Whatever the odds are, cut them in half again and those were my changes of getting pregnant "on my own."

When I took a pregnancy test and it turned out positive, I was speechless.  It was all I could do to walk out of the bathroom, positive test in hand, and say, "Honey, I think I might be pregnant."  Jake made the obligatory walk over to me, gave me a kiss on the lips, smiled and said, "wow, hun."

The rest of the night, we could hardly speak.  All I could do was continue to look at Camden in awe and remember the journey of him coming here.  Then I thought of all of our frozen embryos being stored away.  Because of this pregnancy one less of those babies, life already created, will be mine.  Mine to kiss and hold and raise and snuggle and sing to and, I just can't keep going.

Jake took Camden upstairs to go get ready for playtime, bathtime and bedtime, and I stayed downstairs in the kitchen to do the dishes.  I turned on my worship music and the song that first came on was More Than Anything, by All Sons & Daughters.  I broke down.

For those of you closest to me, you know that I have always said, if we got pregnant naturally I think I would have a very hard time because I will grieve over our embryos.  I've spoken those words, the Lord knows the deepest corners of my heart on this and yet, we are walking this path.  Like so many other journey's that I have been on in my faith, I had a sense in my heart that the God would take me down the path that would break down my heart the most.  And He is.

I am still in the first trimester of my pregnancy when I write this but within the first month of this pregnancy we had two scares.  I had spotting for the entire first month and we spent four hours in the emergency room on a Saturday night because we thought I had lost the baby.  By the grace of God, this child is strong and developing according to His will and plan.  In those moments of uncertainty, the Lord was near to me and comforted me by saying, "You will love this child no less than you love Camden.  This child is my gift just as Camden has been.  I have chosen to give you this miracle.  Trust in me and trust in my plan.  I have plans for this child and they begin this way."  I realized that although the anticipation and the build up was not the same for this baby, it is very much already a part of our lives and family.  This child is woven onto my heart and will be forever.

I write this to share our news in the most humble way possible.  I write this so that I can reveal my heart and give God the glory for renewing me, my spirit, and quite literally, my body.

It is my prayer that God be as glorified by this pregnancy as He was in our last.  My prayer is that while you may not be able to relate to my struggle, you see and feel my heart.