despair; disillusionment; devastating sorrow, especially from disappointment
In my personal experience, a broken heart has never been something I chose. The pain that has to be endured and walked through during heart break can feel so burdensome, so heavy, so uncomfortable and so unexpected that it makes you want to run away, hide, cower, and even deny it exists.
Right now, my heart is breaking on a daily basis. The Lord has my family actively walking through a time in our lives that is stretching me and pulling my soul and heart in such extreme directions that at moments, I want to run away from it all.
I didn't realize what I was getting myself into once I said, "Here I am, Lord." God is walking me through a season of dependence on Him that I've never been through before. He is waking up the deepest part of my soul. Some of you may wonder why I've chosen this. Why would I choose to submit and release all of my comforts, desires and aspirations to God? Why would I make my family walk through this?
My eyes are being opened to things I never saw, felt or acknowledged before. My heart is breaking. It is breaking into a million little pieces for a million different reasons. It is breaking for the well off, the comfortable, the lacking, the poor, the sinful, the prideful, the moms, the dads, the children, the Christians, the lost, the educated, the uneducated, the abused, the healed, strangers, friends and family members. My soul is developing so much strength that I can almost feel it crawling out of my skin because I am getting so filled with love and compassion for all of God's children. My heart is pounding fiercely in my chest on a daily basis and I am barely scratching the tip of the iceberg of what it means to really need God and trust in His plan. But you guys, can I just tell you that if my heart break is any indication of what God feels when He looks at his lost children, oh man! Oh how He loves us, oh how He longs for us to seek Him and know Him. His heart is hurting for you. His heart is bursting at the seams for each of us.
All of this is absolutely WRECKING me. I am literally being emptied of myself and filling up on the well of Jesus Christ. His heart is breaking my heart for his children. He is breaking my heart for this city, this state, this country.
In a week where so many people are feeling heart broken and lost, I am praying for you. I am praying that you begin to find direction not in man but in the hope of our one true Savior, Jesus. Come to his altar that is filled with hope and love and direction and purpose. Come to a place where your eyes are opened to the needs of the people around you. So many people have said that they are willing to be the changes that need to be made in the coming days, months and years and it is inspiring but can I challenge you to do something? Let your heart continue to break. Walk in that despair, the disillusionment, the devastating sorrow and your disappointment but don't push it away. Use it. Use it to empathize and brainstorm. Let your eyes be opened to the needs around you. Let your heart break for those who need it.
As we approach the holiday season, hold onto that heart break and let it strengthen you from the inside out. Let it challenge you to stretch yourself and your openness. In the rawness of recent heart break it is easy to say things and make commitments to be better but sometimes in our vulnerability we pull it back together and shy away from doing the hard and heavy stuff because we don't want to continue to hurt or feel discomfort. Don't shy away from it. Again I say, walk through it and work through it.
In the very best way, my heart is breaking for you, friend and stranger. I pray that you get a sense of what it means to hurt and use it to heal. Do good. Love your fellow man but don't try to do it on your own. Seek help, seek Him.
"Difficulties and mistakes will either devastate our faith or they will stimulate growth and maturity. The positive differences come when we humbly seek God's help, whatever the situation. Trials that tempt us to turn away from God should, instead, spur us to turn toward God." Chronological Life Application Study Bible, page 788.
Thursday, November 3, 2016
Monday was the first payday in 10 years on which I did not receive a paycheck. To say that it is a humbling experience is an understatement.
In the past few weeks I have been battling intense spiritual warfare on all fronts both directly and indirectly. Foundational aspects of my life are being shaken in large and rippling ways yet The Lord remains constant.
Indirect spiritual warfare aside, the Lord is digging deep within me to see how much I trust in
Him to provide our daily bread. Here’s the thing, I know that I am walking SMACK DAB in the middle of God’s calling on my life. He has not only worked so obviously in my life but The Lord has literally placed me on the hearts of others and spoken to them about my life. They in turn have spoken into my life. Can you grasp the depth of that? There are times that I can hardly believe the power of the Holy Spirit. I would say it is like magic but it is far better than that. It is almost unfathomable that the God who created heaven and earth cares so much about me that he literally stirs within the hearts of others to bless my life and provide encouragement, direction and wisdom.
Yet here I am once again, working on unearthing my idols that I didn’t realize were in my heart. I am sitting in a position that I never would have imagined before. I am getting a taste of what it means to consolidate errands, prioritize items on a grocery list from necessary to “luxury” and literally passing on eating certain items that I know my kids enjoy more than I do, namely bananas J, in an effort to save money. What makes this so humbling is that I chose this. I chose to walk away from a lucrative career in order to walk in God’s will. And honestly, a lot of days I deeply wrestle with it. I question God’s plan for my life and family when I feel like my family’s care and provision are at risk (even though I know in my heart they are not).
Hear my heart and trust me when I say this, my God can provide far beyond my wildest dreams and show up in ways that I least expect – I know He is for me. My intention for writing during this is not pity but as always, I want to be transparent. I will tell you that walking through this has enlarged my heart and deepened my compassion and sympathy for people who have to walk through this day after day, month after month. I share this part of our journey because ironically the biggest thing I’m learning now is what it really means to sacrificially give, what it means to provide for my children, what it means to bless them and others, and what it means to fully trust in God’s provision. I don’t think that it is coincidence that we are walking through this and being refined right before the holiday season, a time when presents are often held above presence. This will not be a Christmas of excess in our household. It will be a Christmas of minimalism and focus on the reason and the true gift that we have received, God’s son.
I know that I would not have had this personal awakening had this not been my choice. Even still, even during my wrestling, there have been more than a handful of moments when God showed up to provide encouragement. Just in the past two days the Lord has lead people to reach out to me and tell me that I am on their hearts. I know that I have an army of prayer warriors who are supporting me and seeking the Lord’s will on my behalf. They are intercessing spiritually when I am weak and show such genuine excitement to see what the Lord is going to work out that it reignites my passion and excitement for walking in the Lord’s will. God’s word is living and active and speaks into me on a daily basis and continues to provide the words I need to step forward in faith.
As stated earlier, I don’t write this for pity or sympathy but I write to say just wait and see what the Lord is capable of! This lesson in humility that the Lord is calling me to walk through is humbling to the deepest part of my core. It is my mission to humbly show that God is real, He is always present and He always shows up and He is always enough. We will not walk through this season in vain; His praise will ever be on my lips.
2 Kings 7:19 New International Version
The king’s officer had replied, “That couldn’t happen even if the Lord opened the windows of heaven!” And the man of God had said, “You will see it happen with your own eyes, but you won’t be able to eat any of it!”
Commentary taken from Chronological Life Application Study Bible, 2nd ed., 2004
2 Kgs 7:19-20
God, not worthless idols, provides our daily food. Although our faith may be weak or very small, we must avoid becoming skeptical of God’s provision. When our resources are low and our doubts are the strongest, remember that God can open the floodgates of heaven.