It has been a while since God has laid anything on my heart
to share and I didn’t really intend on writing on this subject openly until
someone nudged me to do so.
While I’ve known ever since walking through our journey to
pregnancy and IVF that my heart breaks most for those longing for a child,
there are some portions of this struggle that I would feel more comfortable
keeping private but yet again, God calls me to be transparent.
I thought that after I got pregnant and upon the arrival of
our son that everything would just be better or I would somehow feel
fixed. Then one day, we received news
that our friends had begun trying to have a baby and were successful right away. With this announcement came the usual lines
of “I could just look at her and she would get pregnant…” or “It was always
very easy for us…”
I stood there and let the comments go in one ear and out the
other and while I was so joyful for our friends, I found the news hard to
take. Really hard to take. Luckily, Jake could sense this immediately
and upon our arrival home, just as tears began to well in my eyes, he said,
“Isn’t it crazy how different life can be for people? God has such different plans for each of
us. Sometimes I don’t get it, but you
know what? I’m ok with it.”
He knew. He knew
instinctively that there was a part of my heart that was broken for us. He knew that even after everything we have
been through, I carry a certain weight because I know that isn’t our story. He won’t ever be able to say how easy it was
for us.
The fact of the matter is that while we have our child that
we have longed for and prayed for for years, we are still working with the same
equipment. And while I am fearfully and
wonderfully made, the way God created me puts us at a disadvantage when it
comes to naturally conceiving a child
so that just isn’t us. It wasn’t our
story and unless God wills it otherwise, it won’t be our story.
That night, I realized that infertility is not just a one-time
thing that you go through only to have it be “fixed” by a pregnancy or a child,
if that is what God plans. It is
something that you re-live over and over again.
The sting of pregnancy announcements can be just as hard after you have
had a baby as it was before you had a child because while you may have your
baby there is no guarantee that you will be able to continue to grow your
family. It comes with a dose of
post-traumatic stress because you know in the back of your mind that it was
harder for you, it took longer, and there are no guarantees. Please don’t take this as me saying that
anyone who successfully conceived naturally once will be able to do so again or
that pregnancy is a guarantee for anyone.
What I am saying is that once you live through the reality of
infertility, you never truly let it go.
It is always a part of who you are, it is part of your story, and it can
discourage you or encourage you. It can
also be very painful to revisit and is not necessarily somewhere you hope to
return to ever again. Nonetheless, if
you desire one child or five, it may be something you think of often.
Truthfully, I accept it as my cross to bear but I won’t say
that it has been or is easy to carry. I
know that it is a heavy load and that is why it is so deeply rooted in my heart
to help anyone else carrying it. It can
make you weak and bring you to your knees.
It can knock the wind out of you when you least expect it and that is why
it is so important to let others help you get back up.
I have to remind myself often that there is no shame in what
we went through or the steps we had to take to get to where we are. I continue to find victory in the
struggle. I share these thoughts and
insecurities with you because I want you to know I am not “fixed” and I have
realized I am not seeking that. I won’t
sit here and tell you how infertility will affect any one person in particular
or how you will come out at the “end” of your struggle. I can only share what it has and continues to
do in my heart and trust that God will use it for good. I will also trust that God and my husband
continue to love me just as I am.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my
power is made perfect in weakness.”
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the
power of Christ may rest upon me. For
the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships,
persecutions, and calamities. For when I
am weak, then I am strong.
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