Laying It at the Altar

I realize in my last post that I may have come across as ungrateful, especially to those still in the thick of trying to have a baby.  That was not my intention.  Rather, I just want to help people see that infertility isn't like a passing cold or flu.  It doesn't come and go and you don't just get better after getting pregnant or having a baby.  

This post might sound similar or be just as confusing but bear with me as I try to dig deeper into explaining life as I know it.  

As a result of our retrieval, we now have a number of frozen embryos in storage.  These embryos are there for our use when we decide it is time to expand our family.  

At an appointment prior to our IVF cycle, we sat down with a nurse to go over some paperwork.  During this time we came to a couple of questions and she posed them like this.  

"There is a chance that after retrieval you will have extra embryos.  You need to decide what will happen to those embryos in the case of divorce, death, or once you turn 50 years old.  At that point you can either choose to discard them or donate them."

Let's just put this in perspective, we were just told that we need to consider donating or destroying life, made of us, made by us, at the end of a divorce, when we die, or when my biological timeclock has expired... Sure, no big deal, give us 5 minutes to chat.  Mind you, our nurse was awesome and super helpful during all of this but it was still a shocking conversation to have to have.

We talked it over in the few minutes we had and decided that the only option for us, because we refuse to destroy these lives created, would be donation.  

That decision was made before retrieval took place.  We now know that we have 14 embryos frozen for use when we decide it is time to expand our family.  

I think about these babies every day.  I pray for these babies every night.  I wonder what they look like, if there are more boys or girls in that group, if they have more of my personality traits or Jake's, what their laughs sound like, and most importantly, what God's plan is for their lives.  I think of them when I look in my sons eyes, who at one point was frozen just like them.  I wonder who we will meet next if God decides to take us down the path of pregnancy again.

As stated before, there are no guarantees.  Jake and I don't know if we will have another successful transfer, we don't know which of these embryos God will entrust into our care as parents and which He will entrust into another couple's care.  This is heavy stuff.  I imagine conversations with the babies that we can't raise ourselves and explaining to Camden that he has siblings in the world that didn't grow up with him.  My heart breaks at this thought.  My heart yearns to meet every single one of these children but I don't know if that is God's will for our family.  

Last week my pastor challenged us to leave our "security" at the altar.  You see, these frozen embryos are my security.  I know they are there and I wait for the day that I can meet them, whether or not it will be this side of heaven is unknown.  When our pastor spoke two weeks ago, his words pierced my heart.  I was convicted and realized that I was placing more security and drawing comfort from the fact that they are there when needed instead of laying them at the altar and trusting God with their care.  

I can't say what the plan is for our family nor can I say what the plan is for each of our children but I can say that daily, I have to choose to trust God with their care.  I have to lay down my security at the altar and always remember that these children are a blessing from God, they are not mine to keep or control.  I must trust the Lord to give me the strength and patience to see His plan unfold for our family and so far, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.  While embryo donation is a path that we may go down later in life, it is absolutely something that God has to prepare in my heart each and every day starting now.  

Please remember that the weight of infertility can go far beyond what you are aware of or can imagine.  

Jake and I are privileged that God has chosen us to walk down this incredibly windy road but we know it will bring us to our knees time and time again and we just hope we can walk it with God's guidance.  We lay these babies down at the altar and we pray that God will guide us and help us to be good stewards.

Beyond the Baby: The Aftermath of Infertility

It has been a while since God has laid anything on my heart to share and I didn’t really intend on writing on this subject openly until someone nudged me to do so. 

While I’ve known ever since walking through our journey to pregnancy and IVF that my heart breaks most for those longing for a child, there are some portions of this struggle that I would feel more comfortable keeping private but yet again, God calls me to be transparent. 

I thought that after I got pregnant and upon the arrival of our son that everything would just be better or I would somehow feel fixed.  Then one day, we received news that our friends had begun trying to have a baby and were successful right away.   With this announcement came the usual lines of “I could just look at her and she would get pregnant…” or “It was always very easy for us…” 

I stood there and let the comments go in one ear and out the other and while I was so joyful for our friends, I found the news hard to take.  Really hard to take.   Luckily, Jake could sense this immediately and upon our arrival home, just as tears began to well in my eyes, he said, “Isn’t it crazy how different life can be for people?  God has such different plans for each of us.  Sometimes I don’t get it, but you know what? I’m ok with it.” 

He knew.  He knew instinctively that there was a part of my heart that was broken for us.  He knew that even after everything we have been through, I carry a certain weight because I know that isn’t our story.  He won’t ever be able to say how easy it was for us. 

The fact of the matter is that while we have our child that we have longed for and prayed for for years, we are still working with the same equipment.  And while I am fearfully and wonderfully made, the way God created me puts us at a disadvantage when it comes to naturally conceiving a child so that just isn’t us.  It wasn’t our story and unless God wills it otherwise, it won’t be our story.

That night, I realized that infertility is not just a one-time thing that you go through only to have it be “fixed” by a pregnancy or a child, if that is what God plans.  It is something that you re-live over and over again.  The sting of pregnancy announcements can be just as hard after you have had a baby as it was before you had a child because while you may have your baby there is no guarantee that you will be able to continue to grow your family.  It comes with a dose of post-traumatic stress because you know in the back of your mind that it was harder for you, it took longer, and there are no guarantees.  Please don’t take this as me saying that anyone who successfully conceived naturally once will be able to do so again or that pregnancy is a guarantee for anyone.  What I am saying is that once you live through the reality of infertility, you never truly let it go.  It is always a part of who you are, it is part of your story, and it can discourage you or encourage you.  It can also be very painful to revisit and is not necessarily somewhere you hope to return to ever again.  Nonetheless, if you desire one child or five, it may be something you think of often. 

Truthfully, I accept it as my cross to bear but I won’t say that it has been or is easy to carry.  I know that it is a heavy load and that is why it is so deeply rooted in my heart to help anyone else carrying it.  It can make you weak and bring you to your knees.  It can knock the wind out of you when you least expect it and that is why it is so important to let others help you get back up. 

I have to remind myself often that there is no shame in what we went through or the steps we had to take to get to where we are.  I continue to find victory in the struggle.  I share these thoughts and insecurities with you because I want you to know I am not “fixed” and I have realized I am not seeking that.  I won’t sit here and tell you how infertility will affect any one person in particular or how you will come out at the “end” of your struggle.  I can only share what it has and continues to do in my heart and trust that God will use it for good.  I will also trust that God and my husband continue to love me just as I am. 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

A Posture of Faith

There will be moments in your life when you have no control of the outcome of a situation.  Moments in which you see the train coming but can't move off the tracks or control the speed of the train.

Right now I am in one of those moments.  There are signs that something bad could be coming but there is no guarantee that the situation will go in that direction.  I am left in a position in which I can either stress, fret or worry or I can submit to the understanding that I serve a God bigger than me.

I believe in my soul that these are the moments where your relationship with God matters the most.  I feel the spiritual warfare happening right around me and I know that there are forces trying to convince me that God does not have good plans for me nor does He want to give me blessings.

Here's the thing: no matter what happens in this situation, my God will not forsake me.  IF His plans are not the same as MY plans, I will know in my heart at some point that His plans are always better than ours.  Also, if this turns into a situation where I am upset and feel angry at God, the good news is that God is tough enough to handle me at my worst and still use it to mold me into my best.

So on a day like today when I am struggling to sort out my feelings, I will remain in a posture of faith.  I will be on my knees praying that God's will is done in my life and praying that His will is done in the lives of my family members.  I will pray and trust in the fact that God has walked these steps before me and ordained each of my days on this earth. 

Receiving A Gift: We're Pregnant

Receiving A Gift: We're Pregnant!

I’m pregnant.  Two words that not long ago felt farther away than my wildest dreams. Two words that so many women say and not always with the same emotion.  Sometimes those words are associated with fear, sadness and anxiety, other times they are associated with surprise, anticipation and disbelief and others they are filled with plan and expectation. 

For me, those two words are said with disbelief, gratitude, joy and reserve. 

You see, this is it.  This is the moment, wait; these are the moments we have been waiting for and dreaming about for years.  I am daily living the miraculous wonder of pregnancy and I couldn’t be more humbled and excited. 

After years of trying and every infertility treatment known to man, WE ARE PREGNANT!! 

As I write this, my heart is so joyful but is heavy and cautious to share this news in a public way because for a long time, infertility was my cross to carry.  In fact, it took me a while to fully accept the fact that I was pregnant.  It wasn’t because my body started changing or because I was having pregnancy symptoms, it was because God graciously opened my eyes through a devotional and pleaded with me to share in His joy in this gift. 

For anyone that has struggled with infertility, you understand what I am saying.  Further, for anyone who has gone through infertility treatments you realize that it is not just a medical diagnosis; it becomes a way of life and consumes not only your thoughts but also demands your actions, your body, your schedule and your full attention.  Because of this you are mentally trained and programmed to think in a certain way, react in a certain way, and guard yourself and your heart. 

Three weeks after we found out I was pregnant I read a devotional about healing. To paraphrase it it noted how certain people in the Bible just received healing and moved on with their life while other people in the Bible had to be asked by God if they WANTED to be healed.  I am in the second half of the group.  My mindset was that just because I am pregnant that does not mean this is going to go well.  Just because I’m a few weeks pregnant does not mean that I will carry to term.  Just because God brought this child in our life temporarily does not mean they will be here permanently.  I anticipated worst-case scenarios day and night.  Finally, God whispered to me, “My child, do you want to accept my healing or remain in your past?  I have given you a gift, please enjoy it and trust me.” 

I have been so caught up in the mindset that infertility creates that I was blind to the healing that God wanted to begin in my heart, my body and my soul.   I had to accept the grace that God had given me. Just like so many people have to accept God’s grace and forgiveness in their own lives.  

The healing and restoration I had been waiting for was already happening; I just had to accept it, live it, and trust in God’s timing. 

So today I tell you that not only have Jake and I been blessed beyond belief by God, we have been blessed to share this journey with so many wonderful doctors, nurses, friends and family.  We are in our first pregnancy journey and no matter what direction God takes our family in, we trust Him and joyfully accept this path that He has laid before us. 

Thank you everyone for your continued prayers.  We only hope we can convey the amount of love, faith, and support we have experienced to our child.  I hope someday they will know just how very loved they already are.  

I’m happy to announce that our someday baby will be arriving in September 2014. 

Here I Sit: My Prayer Through IVF, OHSS, & Unexpected Delays

Father, I come to you today because my heart is hurting so very much.  This week has been one of the hardest weeks of our lives.  There was joy, triumph, humility, failure, struggle and most of all, a lack of understanding. 

Today was supposed to be the day that we were going to have our first transfer.  I thought it was going to be the beginning of an amazing journey, a new journey, a happy journey.  Instead, this morning I sit here crying and pouring out my heart because I can’t understand.  We were so ready.  Our hearts are so ready.  We want to honor you and trust you; we’ve told you our kids are yours and not ours.  We know that this is about something bigger than ourselves and we thought that finally it was going to come to fruition. 

Instead, we had a successful retrieval and then a visit to the ER, an emergency procedure to calm my body down and found out we had to cancel our transfer. 

Father, I sit here hurt and confused.  I sit here not totally excited to talk to you about this and I admit that I am bitter.  Regardless, if I say that we will honor you, trust you and choose to serve you with our children then I need to do so in my actions and words now.  So here I sit.  I sit humbled, I sit sad, I sit confused, I sit hurting, I sit broken down, but I sit here a sinner in grace, in mercy, in hope.  I have fallen and feel knocked down at your feet but at your feet I will stay. 

Lord, I know that there is a reason for this delay.  I know that there is a reason my body was not ready to take a pregnancy and I know there is a reason you kept our embryos safe outside of my body to develop.  I don’t understand your reasoning or your timing but I also don’t know everything else going on behind the scenes for us.  I don’t see the things you are protecting us from but I know you work for our good and for our family’s good. 

So here I remain, at your feet.  I sit here and ask that you forgive me for my bitterness as I work through this and I don’t pray for understanding but instead I pray for a greater trust in Your plan for our lives.  I choose to praise you in this sadness and I choose to glorify your mysterious works at all times, even when it feels almost impossible.   I trust that you will heal my body completely.  I trust that you will prepare a safe place for our “someday baby” in my body.  Lord, I know you are in this and I pray that Jake and I reflect your faithfulness, your character and your presence in our lives even when it is the hardest.  Forgive me today for my disappointment but create in me a new heart and renew a right spirit within me.  

Give us strength, give us courage, give us hope.  Thank you for these circumstances for in them we are refined and made more like you.