Grace Out of Control

In the past four months I have been experiencing a feeling of powerlessness.  I am only going to speak to the events in my own personal life that are giving me this feeling but I want to quickly touch on the fact that this sense of powerlessness is also stemming from an inability to actively participate and help in shaping the future of others.  I have a few select friends who are waiting on answers in their life and have asked me to pray for them and that is the only thing I can do to impact the outcome of their circumstances.  There is nothing in my human capability to do and I have been forced to trust that my prayers are as strong as any physical support I can give them.  The outcome of their requests is out of my control but I can join with them in prayer and support when they need it most.

As for my own experiences, the idea of just praying is fine and dandy for everyone else when I know I absolutely have no control but in my own life I feel like I should be able to control the outcome, even when it is clearly out of my hands.  As you can imagine, God has had a few serious sit-downs with me on this.

I am realizing now more than ever that I will encounter so many situations that I can't control and require complete and utter dependence on God.  Presently, labor is the item staring me in the face that I feel I should have control over and I don't.  As with so many other aspects of my life in the past two years, there are physical variables that come into play when discussing this subject.  Since God chose to create me with a unicornuate uterus, my doctor knows that I have a chance of preterm labor, a chance of preterm delivery, a chance of a c-section, and a chance of becoming a high risk pregnancy.  I don't know about you but that sounds like a lot of chances and I am not a gambler by nature.

Not only are all of these things potential "issues" with my delivery, there is an exciting family event happening shortly after our due date and everyone has an opinion on when it would be convenient for me to deliver and doesn't hesitate to share this information with me.  I totally admit that I am a planner by nature so the fact that I can't reassure them and let them know exactly how it will work out drives me bonkers!  Sometimes organization is a strength and other times it can feel like a character flaw.

While struggling through these items two weeks ago the words grace out of control popped into my head and I have not been able to shake them.  When I struggle with a sense of powerlessness in my own life, God continues to remind me that His grace is still present when I feel out of control.  While I feel that this delivery is out of my hands, I know that it is not out of His control.  Its actually ENTIRELY in His control.  When I worry about the type of person my child will be and the type of parents Jake and I will be, I remember that God's grace is going to be present even when we feel powerless.

The truth is that in all of our lives we have moments where we feel powerless and it feels like an injustice.  Shouldn't we be entitled to control in our own lives? With our children?  In our relationships?  With our schedules?  With our finances?  With our plans? The answer is no, we shouldn't.

As a Christian I have committed to living my life for Christ and fulfilling His will and His purpose in the lives around me.  I gave up the reigns of control when I was four years old and now, at 28, I am still remembering that.  My God gives grace when things are out of control and He is present in both the chaos and the stillness.  Today, I commit to feeling that grace and peace even in my restlessness.  I commit to trusting Him with my pregnancy, with my marriage, with our child and with our family, immediate and extended, and with our livelihood.  

Remember that having God in your heart is receiving grace out of your control.  I pray that you can receive that grace today, whatever your present chaos may be.

A Call To Marriage

After a recent conversation with friends about wedding ceremonies it was brought to my attention just how little weight "Christian" or religious ceremonies have.  I have friends that come from mixed religious backgrounds and mixed levels of faith or different faiths than I have.  To sit and hear the arguments for and against getting married in a church or by a pastor was eye-opening.

For Jake and I, getting married by a pastor, in a church, before God and family, was the most important aspect of our wedding.  We believe that God is the driving force of our success and guide of our marriage and future yet, I couldn't sit there and tell my friends that believing in or involving God in your wedding day will make a difference on your future simply because statistics are not on my side.

So here it is, I want to challenge to my Christian married friends into a new way of thinking.  The divorce rate in the church is the same as the divorce rate outside of the church.  We as Christians are called to serve someone bigger than ourselves and fulfill a purpose greater than our own.  Shouldn't we bring that attitude of service and commitment first and foremost into our marriages?  

I know we hear talks on this stuff all of the time but my eyes were opened last night to a different perspective.  A raw perspective and a statistically valid perspective.  

Jake and I will be married three years this April.  We are not experts on marriage.  We are far from it.  But this conversation we had with friends made me realize just how important glorifying God in our success and failures will be going forward.  The only way to show others that God does have an impact and plays a vital role in our marriage is to show them.  To live out our commitment every day, in good and bad, so that the world can be witness to the power that God has.

I could have taken this conversation a few different ways but I am going to choose to take it as a challenge.  This conversation was a gift to Jake and me.  God has chosen to open our eyes to a very real epidemic occurring within the marriage community and in doing so has also called us to live out our lives in a way that speaks louder than any words could.

It is my prayer that Jake and I will commit to honoring God at all times, as husband and wife, as parents, as family members, as friends and members of our community.

Will you and your significant other commit to live this way also?  Will you step up and prove through actions, rather than words that God makes a difference in your marriage?

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Receiving A Gift: We're Pregnant

Receiving A Gift: We're Pregnant!

I’m pregnant.  Two words that not long ago felt farther away than my wildest dreams. Two words that so many women say and not always with the same emotion.  Sometimes those words are associated with fear, sadness and anxiety, other times they are associated with surprise, anticipation and disbelief and others they are filled with plan and expectation. 

For me, those two words are said with disbelief, gratitude, joy and reserve. 

You see, this is it.  This is the moment, wait; these are the moments we have been waiting for and dreaming about for years.  I am daily living the miraculous wonder of pregnancy and I couldn’t be more humbled and excited. 

After years of trying and every infertility treatment known to man, WE ARE PREGNANT!! 

As I write this, my heart is so joyful but is heavy and cautious to share this news in a public way because for a long time, infertility was my cross to carry.  In fact, it took me a while to fully accept the fact that I was pregnant.  It wasn’t because my body started changing or because I was having pregnancy symptoms, it was because God graciously opened my eyes through a devotional and pleaded with me to share in His joy in this gift. 

For anyone that has struggled with infertility, you understand what I am saying.  Further, for anyone who has gone through infertility treatments you realize that it is not just a medical diagnosis; it becomes a way of life and consumes not only your thoughts but also demands your actions, your body, your schedule and your full attention.  Because of this you are mentally trained and programmed to think in a certain way, react in a certain way, and guard yourself and your heart. 

Three weeks after we found out I was pregnant I read a devotional about healing. To paraphrase it it noted how certain people in the Bible just received healing and moved on with their life while other people in the Bible had to be asked by God if they WANTED to be healed.  I am in the second half of the group.  My mindset was that just because I am pregnant that does not mean this is going to go well.  Just because I’m a few weeks pregnant does not mean that I will carry to term.  Just because God brought this child in our life temporarily does not mean they will be here permanently.  I anticipated worst-case scenarios day and night.  Finally, God whispered to me, “My child, do you want to accept my healing or remain in your past?  I have given you a gift, please enjoy it and trust me.” 

I have been so caught up in the mindset that infertility creates that I was blind to the healing that God wanted to begin in my heart, my body and my soul.   I had to accept the grace that God had given me. Just like so many people have to accept God’s grace and forgiveness in their own lives.  

The healing and restoration I had been waiting for was already happening; I just had to accept it, live it, and trust in God’s timing. 

So today I tell you that not only have Jake and I been blessed beyond belief by God, we have been blessed to share this journey with so many wonderful doctors, nurses, friends and family.  We are in our first pregnancy journey and no matter what direction God takes our family in, we trust Him and joyfully accept this path that He has laid before us. 

Thank you everyone for your continued prayers.  We only hope we can convey the amount of love, faith, and support we have experienced to our child.  I hope someday they will know just how very loved they already are.  

I’m happy to announce that our someday baby will be arriving in September 2014.