Thursday, October 1, 2015

God Remains

First I would like to say thank you to everyone who expressed excitement and extended congratulations upon hearing our pregnancy news.  We appreciate those that are sharing in our joy.

I'd like to take a few moments to be very honest and work through what this pregnancy has done to my heart so far and dig a bit deeper into showing you my true emotions on this.

I wrote this early on in our pregnancy to just get my thoughts out on paper.

Let me say, I know a lot of people who have struggled with and continue to struggle with infertility.  Have I questioned why God has decided to bring this baby into our lives and not theirs? Absolutely.  Do I wonder why God had us go on our first walk through ivf with Camden only to find out He would bring us a baby this way? Absolutely not.

Here is what I have to say, God is good.  He is good all the time.  He was good and faithful during our difficulty and struggles to become pregnant the first time and He is still just as good and faithful during this pregnancy.  Let me make something clear here, this pregnancy doesn't make me think God is more generous and gracious and miraculous than the last one.  What it does is it puts me in awe of God's plan for our lives and how He weaves and creates our testimony one day at a time.  My God, Jesus Christ, is as capable today as He was thousands of years ago and into eternity.

Through our walk, we have met, ministered to, interacted with, encouraged, cried with, and bonded with a number of people we would never have known so deeply.  In that walk, God called me to bare my soul, my deepest hurts, heart aches, defeats, victories and joys.  Through that walk, people have seen and can witness the power that God has during some of the most difficult and vulnerable times of our lives.

You all know that my cross to carry has been infertility but more than being a cross to carry, it was a heart mission to reach and honor God through His unexpected plans.

As I have said before, the Lord gives me a word or inclination about the difficult things I will encounter in my life.  He gave me a "feeling" that this unexpected miracle pregnancy would be a part of our lives and quite frankly, for a while, I asked Him not to.  I did not want Him to dig this deeply in my heart with regards to our embryos nor did I want to think even more heavily about the future donation process when our family is complete.  I didn't want to be reminded that children are not ours for the keeping but rather they are a privilege and temporary gift that God trusts us with here on this earth.  I have made claim to the life we have created and the Lord continues to challenge me and work on me to remind me, "Dana, these are my children first and foremost and I trust you with them but FIRST you need to trust ME with them. You need to trust in the plans that I have for them for they are far greater than anything you can dream of or imagine."

While I initially struggled with this gift, I am choosing, just like I did during the first trimester with Camden, to be healed.  To trust in the miraculous power of my God and to honor Him above all else with this child's journey and story.

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