Friday, November 6, 2015

hiccups, healing and My Heavenly Father

Hiccups, healing and my Heavenly Father

To say that my pregnancies go smoothly and without complication would be a lie.  Our last pregnancy journey started well before we actually conceived and most already know the path that led us on and at the end of it was a new beginning, Camden.

This pregnancy has been different in the sense that leading up to it was smooth sailing but there have been a lot of hiccups.  I won't use the word issues or problems because in comparison, our hiccups are small with regards to what some women have to carry, both mentally and physically, during their pregnancy.

If I am being honest, so many of these hiccups have seemed like such inconveniences and have really skewed my perception of the miracle that grows within me.  I've been annoyed that because of my body make-up I'm required to put in the extra effort to carry and maintain a healthy pregnancy.  Where last time I resolved to accept and treasure the way God made me because of my body, this pregnancy I've been looking at them as weaknesses.  I don't like that.  I mean, how dare I behave this way when I know full well what a miracle it is just to be pregnant in the first place?!  I don't like my attitude and I've noticed that I need to really snap out of it.

This pregnancy is almost halfway over and I don't feel like I've really embraced it or enjoyed it.

At the same time, I've really been thinking about how my life, my attitude, and my faith impact our son.  As a result of my attitude being in the wrong place, I worry that my son won't see me daily living out my love for the Lord but that is where I realize I've got it all wrong.  I need to be daily living out my love for the Lord in order for my son to be an everyday witness of God's love, presence and faithfulness in my life.  From that fountain, all other things will flow.

Leading a little one is the biggest responsibility I've ever been blessed with in my entire life.  There may be days that I take it for granted but I never take it lightly.

To circle back to our hiccups, a certain hiccup reared its ugly head about six weeks ago and just in the past two weeks has really tried to take a stronghold over my peace.  It's a lump.  I had it before in my last pregnancy and it went away but now its back.

Earlier this week I was so worried thinking about potential negative outcomes that tears would just well up in my eyes.  It is so easy to get caught up in the what ifs and what could happens that it becomes a black hole and you can get sucked in.

I've been sucked in by fear and debilitated by negativity before when I was depressed and ever since I came out of that I have made a conscious effort to never let myself go back there again.  The only way I know how to avoid that is to get on my knees, get in my Bible and get into conversation with God.

Amazingly, but not-so-surprisingly, since digging in and locking down on my faith, my peace has strengthened and insecurities have weakened.  It isn't a coincidence that in all my devotions and teachings lately the prompt has been to remember all of the miracles that God has performed in the past, remember what God has walked me through and remember the outcomes.  And what miracles I have to celebrate?!  I have two miracle pregnancies in my testimony, I have healing and renewal in my testimony, I have restoration in my love story and relocation in my life's path.  Whom or what shall I fear?  God is for me.

In remembering and reflecting on God's faithfulness, I now take time to tell Camden stories about what Jesus has done in my life, in our lives.  He may not fully understand them at his age, but the words are being said, the history is being taught and the stories are being passed down.  The name of God lives and breathes in our home and especially in our car rides. :)  In putting God back on the front burner, He is an obvious daily presence in our lives and we are working to keep that a priority.

With regards to that hiccup, the lump, I fully believe that the Doctors will say that this is nothing more than just that, a hiccup and nuisance.  Nonetheless, even if they don't, God has gone before me and will carry me and my family.  I declare God's power and victory over this body of mine.  How could I not?  I've already been healed and restored once before, why would I doubt that I am anything but healed and restored still?

If you would, in order to keep this victory march going strong and to help me avoid the what if black hole, I would humbly ask that you say some prayers that God's will is done.  I pray that He is continually glorified with each step we walk down and ask for peace, strength, and confidence in Christ.  

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