As part of my new job, I was asked to give my testimony to a group of women. Some of the women know me well and others are basically strangers. To think through your own personal testimony in order to present it to such a dynamic group of people takes a lot of consideration, humility and oppenness to the Holy Spirit leading you.
As I prayed through it over a few weeks, one word continued to flash in my mind. Enough.
In each of the large moments of my faith walk God has used that word in one way or another to challenge me, prompt me, converse with me, or convict me.
My first big trust move was trusting God when He told me to take a break in my relationship with Jake. He simply said, "Release him to me. I love you enough." We went on a break and here we are now.
The next move was taking a job in central Illinois just minutes away from Jake's hometown when we were on above mentioned "break" and God said, "do you trust my plan enough?" Here I am living in central Illinois and raising my sons in the same county Jake grew up in. To top it off, my parents now have a home less than a mile down the road from us.
After marriage we walked through infertility and God simply said, "am I enough? Am just I, enough?" Time and time again we told the Lord he was enough. Infertility became a cross to bear and a way to minister and reach out to others. As a result, we have our beautiful son, Camden, and in the future this walk is going to provide an opportunity for generosity that right now we can barely wrap our heads around.
After infertility we became unexpectedly, naturally pregnant, and God asked, "is my healing enough?" I had to actively release infertility as my main cross to bear in order to fully walk in the grace and miracle of our second pregnancy with Grady. God moved in my heart and told me that I would love this son just as much as Camden, even though their pregnancy journeys were entirely different and taught different lessons.
When it came time to leave my job just recently God asked me, "do you trust me enough?" He called me to step out in full faith and without a safety net. Within the weeks after leaving my job He revealed to me, and the Holy Spirit moved in awesome and powerful ways to bring me to what I am doing now.
It has taken walking by faith on a daily basis to trust that God will provide for our needs but as I have written before, I didn't realize what an incredible root money and materials had within me until now.
For a SHORT time, I have struggled with what it means to live paycheck to paycheck, to not be able to buy my kids the things that they need right away, and to figure out any and every way possible we can cut monthly costs and reduce debt.
Yesterday, I woke up in my warm bed, fed my kids breakfast from a small array of OPTIONS of food they had for breakfast, changed into a clean pair of clothes, and sat in my living room while my kids played with their numerous toys and had the audacity to sit, mope, and feel sorry for us.
Since walking away from my career I have had the spectrum of emotions from pure joy to doubt to uncertainty to guilt.
In talking with Jake last night I admitted that my stress doesn't come from money being tight or a lack of usual finances, my stress comes as a result of my guilt. I feel guilty that I made the conscientious choice to make my family walk through this hard time because I chose God's will. It felt like there was a level of unfairness in it all.
Jake's response and the reason he has my heart was, "honey, we don't have it hard. We have so much compared to so many people in the world. This is not hard. We are fine."
Yesterday afternoon God also put in my path a documentary on Hillsong UNITED called the I Heart Revolution, which showed what REAL hardship looks like.
By the end of my woe is me day God said one word, "Enough."
This time it was said in a parental tone with the underlying message of, I am tired of your complaining. I am tired of your doubt. I know you see what I am doing almost every day. You are not suffering. I will give you enough.
I can't help but take this into the Christmas season and keep saying it to myself over and over again. All of it.
I love you enough.
His plan is enough.
He is enough.
His healing is enough.
I trust Him enough.
We have enough.
May these words speak to you in the way they need to this Christmas season and may you know and trust that Jesus is enough. Always and forever. Enough.