The Heart of a Man

Male nesting in our household has taken the form of lots of planning for lots of work.  Jake has decided to take on a second part-time job in order to better plan for the future and potentially secure a stable income down the road.  On top of this, God has not only provided the opportunity to bid on a few jobs but those bids have been accepted and Upper Level’s schedule is filling quickly.

Three years ago when we made the decision to begin Upper Level Construction it was with the full faith and understanding that God will provide for us each step of the way and He so faithfully has.  We saw the path that God put before us and regardless of how nerve-wracking it was as newlyweds to commit to starting our own business we took a leap of faith and committed our business, just like our marriage, to serving God’s purposes.

Female nesting on the other hand has taken form or worry (pregnancy worry is the worst) but to stay relevant to this post my current worry is that with all of this work, the second job, our own home projects, and social events this summer, mama and papa over here won’t get to spend very much time with one another.  

My husband is the hardest worker I have ever met in my entire life.  He wakes up early every day and not only makes the coffee and takes care of the dog, he always manages to have five minutes to watch some of the news.  Then he goes on to a full day working construction and is actively on the job for 8 to 10 hours.  On most days after work he is helping a family member with a project or helping a friend. 

Knowing his work ethic, determination and new-found desire to “nest” and prepare financially for our child, I’m concerned that he will wear himself out but then I remembered the heart of the man I married during a conversation tonight.

He went to help out our 75 year old neighbor insulate some of her windows and refused to accept payment for a favor that took him 10 minutes so he came home with homemade cinnamon rolls as his payment.  On the ride home from small group today, admittedly getting tense about all of the upcoming obligations he has and worrying about being forgotten, he mentions that he spent 45 minutes talking with our neighbor.  The two of them talked about their faith, raising children, me, my hobbies and even my blog.  He spent 45 minutes sharing our life and discussing our faith with our neighbor and as he was telling his story, I remember what I love most about him.

While all of this work and these obligations make me worry that our relationship or our family will go by the wayside, God gently reminded me of the heart that my husband has.  He has a heart for others but most importantly, he has a heart for the Lord and a heart for me. 

Tonight I have to say that I am so grateful that three years after we are married God gives me the privilege to witness the man of God my husband is and continues to become. 

You see there are some people that don’t feel that faith plays a big part in marriage but I wholeheartedly disagree.  My husband is not just a good man or a hard worker; he is a man of God and has a servant’s heart.  In the moments or in the times that I feel insecure in my marriage because of this reason or that, I am able to release those insecurities to the Lord and trust in the man that He has created.  Knowing that God is the leader of my husband’s heart and the head of our household, I can move forward in confidence and faith without concern. 

God has given Jake these opportunities and not only will Jake do his best to fulfill his commitments, he will take 45 minutes out of his day to talk to a widow who needs a friendly visit and also spend an hour having dinner visiting with my mom and I after she gets back from a trip.  I’m so blessed by him. 

Wives, I challenge you to push away those cobwebs of worry and remember the heart of the man you married.  If remembering the heart of the man you married doesn’t give you comfort, trust God with the heart of the man you married.  His loves never fails and with His strength our husbands can do all things in Christ, which includes being loving husbands, present fathers, and good stewards. 

Tonight I’m grateful for the heart of my man and will continue to pray that God uses Jake’s heart in ways that honor Him. 

Philippians 2:3-5

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.  Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus. 

Psalm 1:1-4

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.  He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither.  In all that he does, he prospers. 

Grace Out of Control

In the past four months I have been experiencing a feeling of powerlessness.  I am only going to speak to the events in my own personal life that are giving me this feeling but I want to quickly touch on the fact that this sense of powerlessness is also stemming from an inability to actively participate and help in shaping the future of others.  I have a few select friends who are waiting on answers in their life and have asked me to pray for them and that is the only thing I can do to impact the outcome of their circumstances.  There is nothing in my human capability to do and I have been forced to trust that my prayers are as strong as any physical support I can give them.  The outcome of their requests is out of my control but I can join with them in prayer and support when they need it most.

As for my own experiences, the idea of just praying is fine and dandy for everyone else when I know I absolutely have no control but in my own life I feel like I should be able to control the outcome, even when it is clearly out of my hands.  As you can imagine, God has had a few serious sit-downs with me on this.

I am realizing now more than ever that I will encounter so many situations that I can't control and require complete and utter dependence on God.  Presently, labor is the item staring me in the face that I feel I should have control over and I don't.  As with so many other aspects of my life in the past two years, there are physical variables that come into play when discussing this subject.  Since God chose to create me with a unicornuate uterus, my doctor knows that I have a chance of preterm labor, a chance of preterm delivery, a chance of a c-section, and a chance of becoming a high risk pregnancy.  I don't know about you but that sounds like a lot of chances and I am not a gambler by nature.

Not only are all of these things potential "issues" with my delivery, there is an exciting family event happening shortly after our due date and everyone has an opinion on when it would be convenient for me to deliver and doesn't hesitate to share this information with me.  I totally admit that I am a planner by nature so the fact that I can't reassure them and let them know exactly how it will work out drives me bonkers!  Sometimes organization is a strength and other times it can feel like a character flaw.

While struggling through these items two weeks ago the words grace out of control popped into my head and I have not been able to shake them.  When I struggle with a sense of powerlessness in my own life, God continues to remind me that His grace is still present when I feel out of control.  While I feel that this delivery is out of my hands, I know that it is not out of His control.  Its actually ENTIRELY in His control.  When I worry about the type of person my child will be and the type of parents Jake and I will be, I remember that God's grace is going to be present even when we feel powerless.

The truth is that in all of our lives we have moments where we feel powerless and it feels like an injustice.  Shouldn't we be entitled to control in our own lives? With our children?  In our relationships?  With our schedules?  With our finances?  With our plans? The answer is no, we shouldn't.

As a Christian I have committed to living my life for Christ and fulfilling His will and His purpose in the lives around me.  I gave up the reigns of control when I was four years old and now, at 28, I am still remembering that.  My God gives grace when things are out of control and He is present in both the chaos and the stillness.  Today, I commit to feeling that grace and peace even in my restlessness.  I commit to trusting Him with my pregnancy, with my marriage, with our child and with our family, immediate and extended, and with our livelihood.  

Remember that having God in your heart is receiving grace out of your control.  I pray that you can receive that grace today, whatever your present chaos may be.

A Call To Marriage

After a recent conversation with friends about wedding ceremonies it was brought to my attention just how little weight "Christian" or religious ceremonies have.  I have friends that come from mixed religious backgrounds and mixed levels of faith or different faiths than I have.  To sit and hear the arguments for and against getting married in a church or by a pastor was eye-opening.

For Jake and I, getting married by a pastor, in a church, before God and family, was the most important aspect of our wedding.  We believe that God is the driving force of our success and guide of our marriage and future yet, I couldn't sit there and tell my friends that believing in or involving God in your wedding day will make a difference on your future simply because statistics are not on my side.

So here it is, I want to challenge to my Christian married friends into a new way of thinking.  The divorce rate in the church is the same as the divorce rate outside of the church.  We as Christians are called to serve someone bigger than ourselves and fulfill a purpose greater than our own.  Shouldn't we bring that attitude of service and commitment first and foremost into our marriages?  

I know we hear talks on this stuff all of the time but my eyes were opened last night to a different perspective.  A raw perspective and a statistically valid perspective.  

Jake and I will be married three years this April.  We are not experts on marriage.  We are far from it.  But this conversation we had with friends made me realize just how important glorifying God in our success and failures will be going forward.  The only way to show others that God does have an impact and plays a vital role in our marriage is to show them.  To live out our commitment every day, in good and bad, so that the world can be witness to the power that God has.

I could have taken this conversation a few different ways but I am going to choose to take it as a challenge.  This conversation was a gift to Jake and me.  God has chosen to open our eyes to a very real epidemic occurring within the marriage community and in doing so has also called us to live out our lives in a way that speaks louder than any words could.

It is my prayer that Jake and I will commit to honoring God at all times, as husband and wife, as parents, as family members, as friends and members of our community.

Will you and your significant other commit to live this way also?  Will you step up and prove through actions, rather than words that God makes a difference in your marriage?

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

A Posture of Faith

There will be moments in your life when you have no control of the outcome of a situation.  Moments in which you see the train coming but can't move off the tracks or control the speed of the train.

Right now I am in one of those moments.  There are signs that something bad could be coming but there is no guarantee that the situation will go in that direction.  I am left in a position in which I can either stress, fret or worry or I can submit to the understanding that I serve a God bigger than me.

I believe in my soul that these are the moments where your relationship with God matters the most.  I feel the spiritual warfare happening right around me and I know that there are forces trying to convince me that God does not have good plans for me nor does He want to give me blessings.

Here's the thing: no matter what happens in this situation, my God will not forsake me.  IF His plans are not the same as MY plans, I will know in my heart at some point that His plans are always better than ours.  Also, if this turns into a situation where I am upset and feel angry at God, the good news is that God is tough enough to handle me at my worst and still use it to mold me into my best.

So on a day like today when I am struggling to sort out my feelings, I will remain in a posture of faith.  I will be on my knees praying that God's will is done in my life and praying that His will is done in the lives of my family members.  I will pray and trust in the fact that God has walked these steps before me and ordained each of my days on this earth. 

Receiving A Gift: We're Pregnant

Receiving A Gift: We're Pregnant!

I’m pregnant.  Two words that not long ago felt farther away than my wildest dreams. Two words that so many women say and not always with the same emotion.  Sometimes those words are associated with fear, sadness and anxiety, other times they are associated with surprise, anticipation and disbelief and others they are filled with plan and expectation. 

For me, those two words are said with disbelief, gratitude, joy and reserve. 

You see, this is it.  This is the moment, wait; these are the moments we have been waiting for and dreaming about for years.  I am daily living the miraculous wonder of pregnancy and I couldn’t be more humbled and excited. 

After years of trying and every infertility treatment known to man, WE ARE PREGNANT!! 

As I write this, my heart is so joyful but is heavy and cautious to share this news in a public way because for a long time, infertility was my cross to carry.  In fact, it took me a while to fully accept the fact that I was pregnant.  It wasn’t because my body started changing or because I was having pregnancy symptoms, it was because God graciously opened my eyes through a devotional and pleaded with me to share in His joy in this gift. 

For anyone that has struggled with infertility, you understand what I am saying.  Further, for anyone who has gone through infertility treatments you realize that it is not just a medical diagnosis; it becomes a way of life and consumes not only your thoughts but also demands your actions, your body, your schedule and your full attention.  Because of this you are mentally trained and programmed to think in a certain way, react in a certain way, and guard yourself and your heart. 

Three weeks after we found out I was pregnant I read a devotional about healing. To paraphrase it it noted how certain people in the Bible just received healing and moved on with their life while other people in the Bible had to be asked by God if they WANTED to be healed.  I am in the second half of the group.  My mindset was that just because I am pregnant that does not mean this is going to go well.  Just because I’m a few weeks pregnant does not mean that I will carry to term.  Just because God brought this child in our life temporarily does not mean they will be here permanently.  I anticipated worst-case scenarios day and night.  Finally, God whispered to me, “My child, do you want to accept my healing or remain in your past?  I have given you a gift, please enjoy it and trust me.” 

I have been so caught up in the mindset that infertility creates that I was blind to the healing that God wanted to begin in my heart, my body and my soul.   I had to accept the grace that God had given me. Just like so many people have to accept God’s grace and forgiveness in their own lives.  

The healing and restoration I had been waiting for was already happening; I just had to accept it, live it, and trust in God’s timing. 

So today I tell you that not only have Jake and I been blessed beyond belief by God, we have been blessed to share this journey with so many wonderful doctors, nurses, friends and family.  We are in our first pregnancy journey and no matter what direction God takes our family in, we trust Him and joyfully accept this path that He has laid before us. 

Thank you everyone for your continued prayers.  We only hope we can convey the amount of love, faith, and support we have experienced to our child.  I hope someday they will know just how very loved they already are.  

I’m happy to announce that our someday baby will be arriving in September 2014. 

Here I Sit: My Prayer Through IVF, OHSS, & Unexpected Delays

Father, I come to you today because my heart is hurting so very much.  This week has been one of the hardest weeks of our lives.  There was joy, triumph, humility, failure, struggle and most of all, a lack of understanding. 

Today was supposed to be the day that we were going to have our first transfer.  I thought it was going to be the beginning of an amazing journey, a new journey, a happy journey.  Instead, this morning I sit here crying and pouring out my heart because I can’t understand.  We were so ready.  Our hearts are so ready.  We want to honor you and trust you; we’ve told you our kids are yours and not ours.  We know that this is about something bigger than ourselves and we thought that finally it was going to come to fruition. 

Instead, we had a successful retrieval and then a visit to the ER, an emergency procedure to calm my body down and found out we had to cancel our transfer. 

Father, I sit here hurt and confused.  I sit here not totally excited to talk to you about this and I admit that I am bitter.  Regardless, if I say that we will honor you, trust you and choose to serve you with our children then I need to do so in my actions and words now.  So here I sit.  I sit humbled, I sit sad, I sit confused, I sit hurting, I sit broken down, but I sit here a sinner in grace, in mercy, in hope.  I have fallen and feel knocked down at your feet but at your feet I will stay. 

Lord, I know that there is a reason for this delay.  I know that there is a reason my body was not ready to take a pregnancy and I know there is a reason you kept our embryos safe outside of my body to develop.  I don’t understand your reasoning or your timing but I also don’t know everything else going on behind the scenes for us.  I don’t see the things you are protecting us from but I know you work for our good and for our family’s good. 

So here I remain, at your feet.  I sit here and ask that you forgive me for my bitterness as I work through this and I don’t pray for understanding but instead I pray for a greater trust in Your plan for our lives.  I choose to praise you in this sadness and I choose to glorify your mysterious works at all times, even when it feels almost impossible.   I trust that you will heal my body completely.  I trust that you will prepare a safe place for our “someday baby” in my body.  Lord, I know you are in this and I pray that Jake and I reflect your faithfulness, your character and your presence in our lives even when it is the hardest.  Forgive me today for my disappointment but create in me a new heart and renew a right spirit within me.  

Give us strength, give us courage, give us hope.  Thank you for these circumstances for in them we are refined and made more like you.  

No Guarantees

I've realized that so many things in my life lack a guarantee.  My eyes have been opened to so much in the recent weeks that I feel led to share this somewhat somber post. 

The Devil does such a good job of making us think that we are in control of our lives!  He makes us think that if we get a degree and go to school then we are guaranteed a job.  He makes us think that if we wear the right clothes and say the right things, people will like us. He makes us think that if we work hard and show up to work every day we will always have a job and a paycheck.  He makes us think that as long as we have money in the bank, we are financially secure and nothing can touch our livelihood.  He makes us think that if we love each other enough, spend enough time with each other, go on enough dates, have nice things and do fun things, our marriages will be untouchable.  He makes us think that if we eat right and exercise, we are going to have control over our lives/lifespan.  He makes Jake and I think that as long as we put our hope in doctors and medicine, God and faith have no place in our pregnancy. 

How many students have bachelors degrees and masters degrees and are looking for work?  How many men and women try their hardest to conform to the ways of this world, yet still feel alone?  How many people worked hard and showed up to work everyday for 30 years to find a pink slip in the mailbox one day and their severance packages dissolved?  How many people have savings in the bank only to find out after a bad medical diagnosis or a crisis that it wasn't enough?  How many marriages start out with the best intentions and seem so happy only to be ripped apart by divorce and infidelity?  How many healthy and active people treat themselves and their bodies right, only to find out they are another victim of cancer?  How many doctors have we visited and how many treatments have we tried yet we still aren't pregnant?

None of the things above come with a guarantee.  None of the things above are promised to us.  I once heard someone say, "On any given day, your boss owes you nothing more than a paycheck.  Regardless of how good of an employee or person you are, at the end of the day all they owe you is a paycheck for the hours you worked." 

Also, people spend hours reading countless articles about marriage and keeping the love alive only to see the bottom of the page filled with comments from people who say, "I tried this and my marriage still failed...  I stayed in great shape and my husband or wife still cheated on me...  This is a lie, the love never stays alive..."

So much money gets spent on gym memberships and healthy foods and yet, people still die at a young age, or have heart attacks because of their genetics or get diagnosed with cancer.

Satan fools us by giving us a false sense of control.  

Possibly the biggest trick that Satan has is that he makes us think that as long as we show up to church on holidays or even once a week and do the song and dance, we will go to Heaven.   He makes you think that doing good things and treating people right will get you to that happy place above.  Why should you need a personal relationship with Jesus Christ in order to go to heaven?  Why should you SERVE someone in order to live a happy life?

I say all of this not to condemn anyone but to challenge people.  Just as I am being challenged right now because I have been tricked by all of these lies and recently my EYES have been opened to the fact that I was BELIEVING so many of these lies.  I realize that the only guarantee that I have in my life is my Savior.  I am guaranteed by asking God into my heart and asking Him to guide and lead my life, that my name is written in the Lamb's Book of Life.  I am not guaranteed that I will always have a job but I am guaranteed that no matter what circumstances I face, whether they are financial, physical, or emotional, He is with me.  My marriage is not guaranteed to be perfect but as long as Jake and I put Christ first, we will have something bigger and stronger than ourselves guiding us.  Our treatments are not guaranteed to get us pregnant but we know that God will lead us down whatever path we are supposed to walk once they are no longer an option. 

God guarantees us one thing in life: His love.  Please remember that the next time you want to complain about something not going your way.  You have not been guaranteed any of these things so instead of being upset, focus on the best and most important guarantee you'll ever get in your life - God loves you and if you submit to His will and His plan for your life, you will spend eternity in Heaven! Where none of this other stuff will matter anyways! Can I get an amen to that?!