Let me explain my absence. The thing that has been convicting me most in my life was something that my husband I had decided not to share with everyone but we've recently changed our minds. Actually God changed our minds.
Have you ever had a God moment? A moment where there is no other possible explanation for what just happened besides the fact that it was God using someone, some thing, or some experience to speak love into your life. My husband and I had one of those a few weeks ago and that is what changed my mind about coming back to this blog. (I'll go into the God moment in a different post.) You see, my husband and I are trying to have a baby. I won't say how long, I'll simply say that it has been long enough that because it hasn't happened yet, we have been getting worried.
Let me be completely open with you about this. God has given married people the blessing of sex and intimacy within marriage and it is an incredibly wonderful thing! Being intimate as husband and wife is a way to show your love for one another in a way that no one else can see or be a part of. It is the most intimate thing in the entire world. When you are trying to have a baby and at some many other times that I won't go into, the devil can try to steal that from you. God isn't dumb and He wasn't messing around when He designed the way our bodies create another human being. Knowing that is how it happens though makes it very difficult to focus on the intimacy aspect of sex rather than the technical aspect of sex when you want a child. Especially if it's taken you longer than you were expecting it to. At one point for me, sex wasn't exciting because I so focused on "doing it right" or "making sure it worked" that I wasn't longing for my husband in the loving way that I normally would. Thankfully that has changed but my attitude had to change first.
For a while, we didn't want to share that we were trying to have a baby because 1. we didn't want to be like "hey everyone, we are having lots of sex and hoping to make a little human" and 2. in case it took longer than expected, we didn't want people to know it "wasn't working" or want everyone to know something "was wrong."
First of all, yes, we have sex and we are allowed to because we are husband and wife. So there it is! It's out there. :) Second of all and to address my quotation marks, there is nothing "wrong." You know what, our bodies may not work the same way others people's do or on similar timeframes but they are still our own and God created them the exact way they are supposed to be. God will use them, if He chooses, to create life when we are supposed. For those of you that can't have children, please know that God has a plan for you. Please don't discount yourself or your place in the kingdom of heaven because, according to medical definitions, something is different about you.
Let me just say that it hasn't been easy for me to come to the conclusion I just wrote above. I have been going through a continual spiritual warfare because of this. I serve an awesome, powerful, loving, and all knowing, God. He has always been faithful in providing for me and creating a path for me. Right now, because this is a prayer He is choosing not to answer in MY time, does NOT mean that it won't be answered but the Devil sure does like to tell me that. There has been so much disappointment and brokenness associated with this journey and I am done hiding it. I want women to know that there are other people that struggle with this and that there is HOPE. I am going through this experience, you are going through this experience, because God has it in the plan for our lives. While there have been times, lots of them, that I don't understand and hurt, there are times when I am joyful because I know that my life is going according to His plan and not my own.
I think back to all the times in my life when I tried to take control and I am happy they didn't work out the way I was expecting or wanted them to. I am POSITIVE that this will be one of those things I look back on and then understand why His timing worked out so perfectly. Today I challenge those of you who still have unanswered prayers from God to look back on your life and look at the timing that things have happened in. Are you happy that some things did not work during the time frame you wanted them to? Apply that to this situation. Yes, I know, this is SO hard to understand but the fact of the matter is that we are not supposed to have all of the answers. I know you ask why isn't it our turn? Why are some people receiving this blessing and we are not? Do we not want it bad enough? Is something "wrong"?
I understand, I'm there with you but I want to realize that JOY is a CHOICE. I beg you, just as I have to do on a daily basis, CHOOSE JOY. CHOOSE HOPE. SERVE GOD through ALL of your circumstances, the good and the bad. DON'T be ASHAMED of your emotions at this time but rather cast your cares upon the Lord and let Him work in your life right now as He so longs to do.
If you struggle with this, please feel free to email me your prayer requests and I will pray for you.