Don't Discount Your Testimony

I remember sitting at the dining room table with my grandma two years ago on Thanksgiving talking about a Women's conference I had just been to in the Quad Cities.  I talked about the speakers and their excitement and zest for the Lord even after everything they had been through.  Their testimonies were so powerful.  I distinctly remember thinking after that conference, and sharing at that Thanksgiving table with my grandma, that I just hadn't had the struggle that these women have had.  How will I ever have a profound impact on the world if I've never truly had to struggle and wrestle with my faith?  Why would anyone want to hear my story? Its so basic and boring.

My grandma is one of the most wise women I know.  She exudes joy in every circumstance and glorifies God with everything she does.  Her response to my "complaint" was, "Mi hija, some people don't go through that dessert.  Some people are just there to be strong enough for those that struggle.  If you haven't struggled through that, there is still so much power in being strong and supporting someone during their difficulties.  You don't have to be the one going through the dessert, you just have to commit to being strong for those that need it."

She referenced the story of Moses in Exodus 17:12:

When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up--one on one side, one on the other--so that his hands remained steady till sunset.

Sometimes you are Aaron and Hur, but sometimes you are Moses.  

I soon realized, I'm not Aaron or Hur in this story and my complaint about not having a story would change right before my eyes.  A month and a half after that conversation at Thanksgiving, Jake and I decided we wanted to start trying to have kids, and that is when our story began.  Twenty months later, we are still trying for those kids.  Throughout these twenty months God has broken me down to (what feels like) the very core of my being.  Twenty times I have hoped, twenty times I have been disappointed.  Twenty times I have believed, twenty times I have been told "not now."  Twenty times I thought I was ready, twenty times I realized I was not.  Twenty times I have fought with God about His plan, twenty times He has shown me it is better than mine.  Twenty times I have argued and complained to Him out of anger, twenty times He continued to pursue me, love me, and encourage me.

I have no idea how long it will be until we discover God's plan for our family but I do know that we have gone through a lot.  I have had that hurt, that pain, and that brokenness that those women conveyed during their speeches but I don't know how much deeper God will bring us into this.  I am working on getting to the point of that joy and conditioning myself for that zest for Christ, while doing my best to be humble and genuine about my emotions.  I'm walking through the dessert of infertility without an end in sight right now.  

I share this to say that you should never discount your testimony.  Wherever you are at, God is at work in you.  If He isn't, that is because you aren't allowing Him to be.  Be open to His plan for you but be present in your current moments. 

A friend of mine recently said that she has never really had that serious struggle with her faith.  My immediate response was, "Be careful what you wish for.  That is exactly what I said the month before we started trying to have kids and here we are.  Trust in God's development of your testimony and don't overlook the work God is doing in your heart right now."

Know this, God will break you, tear you apart, and put you through the fire, if that is what He needs for your life.  You will feel heartache, disappointment and frustration but He will comfort you, surprise you, and bring back hope when you least expect it.  At the end of the day, God will create a more beautiful work of art from that brokenness than you could ever imagine.  Today you have no idea how your response to your struggle can impact those around you.  Christians are watched every day.  Just like Potiphar's wife wanted Joseph to cave to sin and Job's wife wanted him to rebuke God, there are people that want to see hard times tear you down. 

I don't know what the end of our story is but I do know that I am being refined for a greater purpose, my actions are speaking to others whether I realize it or not and my faith is growing exponentially.  I choose to trust in God's plan and I choose to let Him break me so that I can become a new creation because those that are special in my life and my someday baby deserve the best version of me possible through the grace of God.

"Blessed is the one whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty.  For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal." Job 5:17-18

"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14