I Corinthians 13: 4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.
On May 6th, we began meeting with a fertility specialist. Through a series of tests we have figured out that everything on Jake's end is good, praise God! We also found out that there may be more strikes against me than we originally thought. While initially that was a blow to my ego and my pride, I realize that I have been battling Satan against feeling inadequate for a year and a half now, I can handle a couple more strikes. I know that regardless of my reproductive "flaws" I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I hold onto that truth and I believe it in my heart.
Last month we decided to pursue our first treatment called an IUI. Last night, after a long month of blood tests, hormones, ultrasounds and shots, we found out that the IUI did not work. Our doctor warned us that he thinks my right tube is blocked and we knew this going into the treatment. After taking the hormones my nurse told us that the dominant egg was on the right side of my uterus. We knew going in that if I do in fact have a blocked tube, this egg will not be released. As such, there was a reality that both of us were facing during our two week wait that this may not work. While neither of us thought "it" would happen this time because of the tube situation, because we believe God is our healer and the doer of miracles, we had hope that it might work anyways.
We took the news pretty well, better than I thought we would. I took it much better than I personally thought I would. On Sunday our pastor did a sermon on taking things one day at a time and quoted Matthew 6:34 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. This brought both of us peace and really took away any anxiety or worry we were harboring about receiving the test results the next day.
Regardless of this peace, when we heard the news I began to feel numb. So many thoughts ran through my head like: How old will we actually be once we have kids? How many tries is this going to take? Will we get pregnant naturally or do we need to start looking into adoption? What if we are one of those couples that just can't have kids? Does my husband blame me? God, why are you making us wait so long? Are you going to bring us through deeper heartache than what we've already gone through? Can I really submit all of this to the Lord? How much is it going to take to "build" this testimony? What if all my friends get pregnant before I do? How will I handle all of that?
I realize that each of those questions are situational. They all reflected how I was feeling. None of them were said in a submissive posture but rather a proud posture, an angry posture, a selfish posture.
We always hear I Corinthians 13:4-8 said at weddings and we quote it often referencing love in our earthly relationships. However, for the very first time in my life, I looked at in terms of my love for God. Is my love for Him patient? Kind? Proud? Self-seeking? Easily angered? Am I keeping a record of wrongs? Do I always hope? Trust? Persevere?
I write this morning to confess that I do not love God the way I should. I have failed to love him in the way that He calls me to. So often I reference that verse in the way I am loving my husband and how I am treating him, but I now realize that that needs to be the standard of my most important relationship, my relationship with Jesus Christ.
People always ask me "how do you know you are ready for kids?", and my response is that I don't. We won't know we are ready for kids until we get pregnant. When God blesses us with a baby, then I will know He thinks we are ready. Until He decides to trust me with one of His children, I need to work on preparing my heart and my faith. This is not my choice. It is not my time.
Nonetheless, as of this morning, because I want to love God the way He calls me to love I will hope, I will trust, and I will persevere. I will not be angered, and I will try my hardest not to be self-seeking. I will not chalk up this failed IUI as a negative point for God. I will do my best not to envy others whom God decides are ready for kids but rather I will be kind, I will be humbled and I will know and believe that God's love never fails.
And finally, I will see this "kid-less" time with my husband as a wonderful blessing and an opportunity to continue to build a solid faith foundation for our marriage and our family.