Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Feeling Defeated

This past week I just can't seem to get the feeling that this pregnancy is never going to happen out of my head.  There have been so many hurdles, so many doctors calls, so many insurance questions, so many delays.

Going into this and last week I was able to maintain the attitude that God is teaching me patience and showing me just how much of this is out of my control AND out of the doctor's control.  Everything having to do with infertility work ups has to do with your natural body cycle and the fact that mine is inconsistent, unpredictable and longer than most peoples does not help.

Being on the hormones has made me feel so insecure about myself.  I have gained weight, I constantly feel emotional and bloated and this isn't even the high dosage.  I now have to get a vaccine renewed because I grew out of it and that will push back any potential treatments for at least a month and we are JUST getting our infertility work up wrapped up next it is more of a waiting game again.

Worry has gotten the best of me in every aspect of my life right now, my marriage, my work, my hope.  When I say it has gotten the best of my marriage I don't mean that anything is wrong, I mean that my insecurities are seeping over and negatively affecting my marriage.  I don't feel good about myself so I don't feel confident in what I look like, that in turn affects other areas of my marriage, i.e. intimacy and companionship.  Honestly, it has made me really self absorbed but not in the stuck up way, in the "I don't like how I feel so I am going to feel sorry for myself" way.  It's not healthy.     

I look around and I see friends that are pregnant, others who are ready to have their babies any day now and I can't help but wonder if it will ever be my turn.  While Facebook is so great for keeping in touch with people it can also be very hard not to play the comparison game and envy all of the pregnancy joy that others express. 

I am having a hard time keeping my hope today so I am asking that you do it for me.  I ask that you pray that my heart strengthens and that I free myself of insecurities.  

In the mean time, God has given me these things to hold onto:

1. The nurses at my doctor's office are SO patient and understanding and their quote, "we can only control so much about our bodies," has been a wonderful reminder.
2. I need to remember that God's timing is not my own and HIS timing is perfect.
3. I have been able to spend more time with friends and take more trips.   In those visits I am able to further solidify the foundations of my friendships and I have more time to pour love into their lives. 
4.  Everyday I am reminded just how many people are praying for us and today I am extra thankful for that.   
5. Since we have to wait an entire month to even move forward with any treatments, that gives me time to be healthy and take better care of my body.

Dear God, I come to you today with a broken spirit and heavy heart.  I am feeling defeated and I know that the Devil is preying on my innermost insecurities.  Father, thank you for the fact that I know you are battling for me.  Thank you for the fact that I know you are carrying me through this.  Lord, I thank you that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and I pray that you give the doctors wisdom and discernment of the best way to work with your creation, my body.  I ask that you stir in the hearts of the prayer warriors that are praying for us and I pray that today their prayers are just that much more fervent.  I pray that you use our experience, our journey, our struggles and our emotions as a testament to your love.  May the foundation of our marriage remain strong and may I remember that beauty lies in the eyes of my beholder.  I pray that I release these negative feelings and love myself and love my husband to the best of my ability.  I rebuke this attempt that the Devil is making to attack my self worth and my self esteem.  I pray that I continue to honor you and hope in you no matter what I am feeling.  Thank you for being my constant hope and thank you for loving me when I don't feel as hopeful.  Forgive me for worrying and doubting.  I serve an awesome and powerful God and I know that this is your will, whatever it may be.  May your light shine through my weakness and may your will be our guide.  In your name I pray, Amen. 

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