In the past four months I have been experiencing a feeling of powerlessness. I am only going to speak to the events in my own personal life that are giving me this feeling but I want to quickly touch on the fact that this sense of powerlessness is also stemming from an inability to actively participate and help in shaping the future of others. I have a few select friends who are waiting on answers in their life and have asked me to pray for them and that is the only thing I can do to impact the outcome of their circumstances. There is nothing in my human capability to do and I have been forced to trust that my prayers are as strong as any physical support I can give them. The outcome of their requests is out of my control but I can join with them in prayer and support when they need it most.
As for my own experiences, the idea of just praying is fine and dandy for everyone else when I know I absolutely have no control but in my own life I feel like I should be able to control the outcome, even when it is clearly out of my hands. As you can imagine, God has had a few serious sit-downs with me on this.
I am realizing now more than ever that I will encounter so many situations that I can't control and require complete and utter dependence on God. Presently, labor is the item staring me in the face that I feel I should have control over and I don't. As with so many other aspects of my life in the past two years, there are physical variables that come into play when discussing this subject. Since God chose to create me with a unicornuate uterus, my doctor knows that I have a chance of preterm labor, a chance of preterm delivery, a chance of a c-section, and a chance of becoming a high risk pregnancy. I don't know about you but that sounds like a lot of chances and I am not a gambler by nature.
Not only are all of these things potential "issues" with my delivery, there is an exciting family event happening shortly after our due date and everyone has an opinion on when it would be convenient for me to deliver and doesn't hesitate to share this information with me. I totally admit that I am a planner by nature so the fact that I can't reassure them and let them know exactly how it will work out drives me bonkers! Sometimes organization is a strength and other times it can feel like a character flaw.
While struggling through these items two weeks ago the words grace out of control popped into my head and I have not been able to shake them. When I struggle with a sense of powerlessness in my own life, God continues to remind me that His grace is still present when I feel out of control. While I feel that this delivery is out of my hands, I know that it is not out of His control. Its actually ENTIRELY in His control. When I worry about the type of person my child will be and the type of parents Jake and I will be, I remember that God's grace is going to be present even when we feel powerless.
The truth is that in all of our lives we have moments where we feel powerless and it feels like an injustice. Shouldn't we be entitled to control in our own lives? With our children? In our relationships? With our schedules? With our finances? With our plans? The answer is no, we shouldn't.
As a Christian I have committed to living my life for Christ and fulfilling His will and His purpose in the lives around me. I gave up the reigns of control when I was four years old and now, at 28, I am still remembering that. My God gives grace when things are out of control and He is present in both the chaos and the stillness. Today, I commit to feeling that grace and peace even in my restlessness. I commit to trusting Him with my pregnancy, with my marriage, with our child and with our family, immediate and extended, and with our livelihood.
Remember that having God in your heart is receiving grace out of your control. I pray that you can receive that grace today, whatever your present chaos may be.