The Lord has really been working in my heart the past week regarding my expectations for healing.
You see, I've walked through infertility, we went through IVF and we got pregnant. With the doctors help and the GRACE of God, we had a successful transfer and now we have our oldest son. Then right at our first son's birthday, we found out we were pregnant - NATURALLY! I couldn't believe it, I was thrilled and shocked and had a lot of emotions to work through post-IVF journey.
At that point in time, I claimed the healing that my body experienced. Going into trying to get pregnant this time, I clung to the fact that God healed my body and I was fully healed and restored and more than able to carry a baby to full term and get pregnant naturally. While it took us 6 months to get pregnant with our second son, which is a short timeline compared to what we had done in the past, we still believed that God had healed me and we could conceive naturally again, and we did.
Yet, here we are, post-miscarriage and my heart is hurting because in my mind I believed I was healed.
But now my heart wonders, what is healing supposed to look like? Post-miscarriage, I would love to think that looks like another pregnancy and a healthy baby in my arms after a delivery. However, healing is not a baby.
I'd love to forget what we have walked through and run away from it for a little bit. However, healing is not forgetting.
I tried to escape it for a little bit and act as if my life has not been changed by this. However, healing is not escape or ignorance.
I tried to ease the pain by taking pain medication. I tried to drink to ease the pain. However, healing is not self-medicating, or alcohol, or medicine, or doctors.
I tried to simply be comfortable and be at home, among my family, and among our things. However, healing is not comfort.
I'd love to run away and go on vacation and be away from anything that reminds me of a baby or pregnancy. However, healing is not running away.
I have realized that until I allow this empty space that has developed within me to exist as a new part of me and be filled by the Holy Spirit - I will not experience healing.
I have to realize that healing is not going to come in any form of a human, vacation, medicine, alcohol, comfort, or diagnosis. Healing is Jesus.
My whole life I've read and learned that I am supposed to become less and the Lord is supposed to become more in my life. There is no other way for me to describe what I'm walking through than saying, a physical part of me has been removed and created a void that only God will be able to fill. Slowly. It has to be my choice though. I have to be a willing participant in this refilling and trust that the things that have been removed from me and refined from my life are going to be refilled by something greater and better than I could imagine. The only comfort that will ease this pain is Jesus.
2 Corinthians 1:4-6
He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer.
Let me be clear on something, the Lord is not making me suffer so that he can be glorified but I am allowing my suffering to be used for his glorification. I will allow myself to be vulnerable and exposed during this hard healing process in an effort to show all of you that God is faithful. He will use what was intended to destroy me and tear me down, for glory. To comfort others. To allow his light to shine through me as a comfort and a way to strengthen others who have suffered or walked through similar loss.
I do not know if the Lord will grant us another baby on this side of heaven but I am not basing my healing upon that expectation. I am solely basing my being healed, first, foremost, and always, on Jesus being more in my life than anything else.
I pray that this post challenges others who are expecting and waiting for healing to rely fully on the Lord and to trust, that no matter what your future holds, His presence is healing enough.