The last few weeks have been difficult for me emotionally. Yesterday I couldn't hold back tears that came for what felt like no reason. As my sons played in their toy room upstairs I stood at the kitchen sink doing the dishes and cried. Finally I simply uttered, "Lord, help me. I feel weak. I don't have any strength in this on my own. I need you. Be my strength."
Our pastors over the last two weeks have been discussing creating margin and taking time away from distractions so yesterday I decided to take that into consideration and switched up my devotional time. It is no coincidence that I haven't been in the word much over the last week and my emotional load has been heavier, just saying.
As I walked away from my sons' bedroom I simply asked, "Lord, what do you want me to read today?" I simply heard, "Luke." Spontaneously I grabbed my husband's Bible instead of my own and opened up to the Gospel of Luke. I literally SHUT OFF my phone, no do not disturb, no ringer on vibrate, I shut it off completely - what a concept. Before I really got to dig in my four year old son came in and tried to delay his inevitable nap but I told him, "Buddy, mommy's attitude hasn't been very good lately. I really really need my quiet time with Jesus today." He immediately understood, gave me a hug and walked back into his room. Thank you, Jesus, for moving in that moment and granting him that understanding.
The thing about my husband's Bible is that it is not a commentary Bible or "study" Bible unlike mine. Its just the word. God's word. As I read, I simply said, "Lord let your word speak." I read Luke 1-7 and realized exactly why the Lord had me there. This book of the Bible records Jesus' conception as well as a large number of miracles he did among the people in his time on earth.
I knew what he was telling me. He was reminding me of his faithfulness to so many others and of all the miracles he has performed. He was reminding me that I am not forgotten and He will continue to work for my good - I just can't see it right now. This is all for a purpose.
You want to know my initial thoughts after reading it? I miss the miraculous in my life. I realized that I have clung to my pregnancies so firmly because they have been such a living testament to the MIRACLES that God has done in my life. I miss the pregnancy, not simply because I miss that baby that I will not meet but I miss the tangible example of the miraculous in my life.
Hey guys, guess what I realized this morning!? I have two living, breathing, daily reminders of the miraculous in my life. I have a husband that is a daily reminder to me of someone's capacity to love without end, even in my worst of moods. Our home is tangible proof of God's hand over our decisions and finances. The food on our table, the heat, air conditioning, and cars in our garage are proof of the miraculous provision from him over the past couple of years. Even my husband's job is an answer to prayers and circled back into our path in a miraculous and unexpected way. Are you tracking with me on this?
What I realized this morning is that I don't need a human growing inside of me to see God's hand and covering over my family's life. My pregnancies are not the only miracles I've ever experienced. Yes, they were some of the biggest and most apparent but they aren't the only. I just need to open my eyes to the goodness surrounding me. The miraculous is always around - if you open your eyes to see it.
Today I am grateful that the Lord took me to a place in His word that reminded me that miracles don't always come in the ways that we comprehend but that the miraculous and God's presence are there in the subtleties of life.
Being able to write this week feels like being able to actually breathe again. I'm so grateful for the subtle grace of God showing up in times of extreme weakness. Can you feel it today? Can you see the miracles? There can be strength found in the subtleties of your life. Look for it. The miraculous is there, I promise.
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