To the Female Breadwinner and Mom

You have my heart.  I respect you.  I admire you.  I want you to know that you matter and I know this is hard. 

I know your day does not begin at 9:00 a.m. or when you clock in.  I know that your day begins the night before when you set your alarm and think, how much do I need to get accomplished before my kids even wake up?  I know you wake up in the wee small hours just so you can get something done, i.e. shower and get ready, before you start the morning circus of waking, dressing, feeding and hauling the kids.  I know that daycare drop off is a crapshoot and provides new stories and "entertainment" every morning.  I know that the first 60 seconds that you are in the car after drop off are spent thinking, did I forget anything?  If so, will my child survive without it?  Would we be better off if I could just stay home? NO - Don't go there, not possible, don't even enter that crazytown of thinking! 

I know that the hours spent at the office or on shift require focus and a conscious effort to shake the feeling of, I really think I forgot something or is child A surviving without forgotten item?  What is on the family schedule tonight? What is for dinner? I should have pulled something out to defrost.  Maybe I need to jump on the crock pot bandwagon. Dang, we are out of milk! Seriously, I have to stop at the grocery store just for milk, again?!  I hate having to stop at the store with all the kids just for one item!  Can we go without it? 

I also know that feeling you get when your boss gives you an atta' girl or you rock that task, presentation or business trip.  I know what an amazing feeling it is to be recognized by a group of your peers for good work or win an award.  I also know that slight feeling of guilt that can creep in when you think, now THIS is what I'm meant to do.  Boo ya!  Yet, the feeling of slight guilt when you think, shoot, being a mom is supposed to be what I consider my best but yet, you know that you are meant to be a working mom, breadwinner or not.      

I know that your day does not end when the clock strikes 5:00 p.m. or at the end of your shift.   I know that sometimes you feel like going to the office is a vacation compared to staying at home with your children.  I know that each one of us realizes what a tough job it is to be a stay at home mom but that we know that us staying home is not necessarily in the best interest of our family.  I also know that for a lot of us we realize that staying home is not a reality for our family at this point in time or maybe ever.

I know what it is like to come back from maternity leave and wonder if breastfeeding is still the best option even though it takes such commitment at all times and cuts into our precious sleeping hours and can cause friction when pumping in the workplace.  I know what it is like to wonder whether or not my workplace policies or standards on breastfeeding should trump my child's best interests and our bonding.  I know that emotional roller coaster.  I know what it is like to think, if I let them dictate my position on this family issue, am I letting my job dictate the best interests of my family?  Where do I draw the line?  Is this a domino effect?

We appreciate and love our childrens' daycare teachers.  We feel guilty passing our kids off when we realize they have woken up on the wrong side of the bed but we are also thrilled at the thought that we don't have to handle kid crazy all day.  We love to hear the end of the day reports of our child thriving and that our baby laughed today.  It also breaks our heart to think we didn't hear their giggle for the first time first.  We admit that they have the knowledge and education it takes to help our child thrive and develop at the rate they are supposed to.  We love them for this! 

We watch the bank account, work the budget, choose the insurance coverage, schedule doctor's appointments, keep daycare records up to date, know the soundtrack of Frozen, Thomas, Chuggington, and also what's trending in our industry.  We take mental notes when we are at home of all the items that need to be on the grocery list and think, I've got to remember to write that down and at the same time we keep lists of to-do items for work. I know we love our Amazon Prime subscriptions and free two day shipping.

 We keep our long term goals in mind when we show up for work everyday or deal with difficult co-workers, bosses or jobs.  We focus. Its about the end game, not immediate gratification.  We plan family vacations and business trips.  We look forward to bringing our family to some of the places we have traveled on business and check off places that are absolutely not family friendly.  We enjoy the quiet hotel room on a business trip yet can't sleep because we are away from our babies and warmth of our husband.

We have the utmost respect for our husbands and all that they contribute to our households and families.  We don't place a dollar value on their support but still appreciate their contribution to the bank accounts because every penny counts.  We know how often we have sex and how often we wish we had sex or even the energy for it.  We long for and strive for spontaneous intimacy yet we know sometimes it just needs to be scheduled in order to actually happen. 

I appreciate that my husband cooks, helps with bath-time and also has a vested interest in seeing how much breast-milk I was able to pump today - then commends me for it!  I know that nothing is more encouraging than an "I'm proud of you" or "you look nice today" from your husband especially when in a male dominated industry.  I know there is no greater feeling of protection or support than that of your husband and you are in this together.  You are a team.  His goals are your goals, your goals are his, and you both are doing the best you can for your family. 

I know that being a female breadwinner doesn't undercut my husband being the head of our household.  I know that I don't want it to do that.  I understand the balance of humility and pride involved in those aspects of marriage.  I know there can be times when it is a struggle to be the breadwinner and you get why men were in this role historically but we are women, hear us roar!  I know what its like not to publicly acknowledge your role because somehow it still feels taboo to be honest about it and you recognize that some social norms are outdated or quite frankly, just not practical.  We are able to be employees, bosses, moms and wives! 

I feel you.  I am you.  I know I need to see people shout from the rooftops how much they respect the passion, drive, dedication and sacrifice of the mom breadwinner.  We all do this for the betterment of our families, marriages, lives and let's admit it, sometimes sanity. 

Here's to the long term goals, the indefinite timelines, the paycheck to paycheck or the debt snowball.  Here's to the end game.  Here's to the sleepless nights with kids and the coffee and report filled days.  Here's to being the bag lady, at daycare, at work, at the gym, etc. Here's to soaking up every evening minute with your littles and keeping them up just a little past their bedtime so you can spend some more time snuggling. Here's to putting them to bed early so you can have some time alone or with your honey.  Here's to us on the tough days when we just want to pass the baton but we can't.  Here's to us because tomorrow we start all over. 

Note: This post is not meant to draw lines or pit stay at home moms against working moms or breadwinners against their spouses.  It is simply a battle cry for one segment of mom's, which I am a part of. 

PS - Here's to the spouses who do life with us. We know that we have a lot going on and can be a bit scatter brained.  You are the bread to our butter and carry the ball when it just gets too heavy for us.  Thank you for knowing that we try our best to hold it all together and just handle it but without you, we wouldn't be who we are today.  We need you, we love you and we appreciate you.  You rock! 

  

Post partum post infertility: do I even have the right?

Post partum post infertility: do I even have the right?

I write today to share that after this pregnancy I have been struggling with post partum depression.  I have written short Facebook posts on some of my struggles but haven't gone too far in depth because I've been ashamed to do so because of my history with pregnancy.  

I've sat here so many days under attack and allowing the devil to say things to me such as:

All you did was pray for babies for years and now you aren't even happy after having this one?

People are going to judge you and resent you for going through this.  You have no right to be anything but happy.  Don't be so ungrateful. 

God doesn't care about you.  Why would he let you get pregnant just to struggle with depression after the baby?

I'm lucky that I'm not severely depressed at this point but I admit that I have been having extreme difficulty transitioning into our new normal.  I get overwhelmed when I am with the boys.  I get overwhelmed when I am not with the boys.  I get stressed out at the thought of going back to work and sending the boys to daycare full time.  I feel relieved at the thought of going back to work and sending the boys to daycare full time.  I need someone to help me out just so I can get some things done.  I don't want anyone to come help me out, I should be able to 'do it all'.  

You see, being depressed can be tricky because there is no answer.  There is no right way to fix things and there is no logic.  There is no solution to this problem.  I realized this back in high school when I went through severe depression and struggled with suicidal thoughts.  At that time seeing a Christian counselor who led me back to the foundation of my faith, Jesus Christ, saved me.  Thankfully, because of my personal history I know my slipping signs and I am speaking out before I get too deep in this.  

As I write, my mother-in-law is downstairs entertaining the boys so I can just have some me time.  Instead of addressing the piles of laundry sitting on my couch, I decided to make my bed and then the Lord called to me and said, "Dana, I'm waiting for you.  Let's sit and visit.  Pick up your bible.  I see there is some dust on the top..."  

I am reading about Samuel right now but in the annotations so many things spoke directly to my heart.  

"It is difficult to pray in faith when we feel so ineffective.  But, as Hannah discovered, prayer opens the way for God to work." 

I haven't been praying for help because I've been in such a place of emotional indifference and difficulty.  This note called me to pray. 

"Tell God how you really feel and leave your problems with him. Then rely upon the support of good friends and counsellors."  

It is ok for me to need to close my bedroom door and get some quiet time.  It is ok for me to send my older son to daycare so I don't get too overwhelmed.  It is ok for me to open up about this post partum difficulty even though I struggled and prayed and hoped for my babies.  It doesn't make this any less difficult or easy but rather weighs on me that much more and helps me to remember how far God has brought our family.  

Finally, "We should be confident of God's ultimate control over the events in our lives and thankful for the ways he has blessed us.  By praising God for all good gifts, we acknowledge his ultimate control over all the affairs of life."  

God brought this pregnancy and these post partum emotions into my life for a reason.  I need to feel them, work through them and learn from this experience.  I'm so afraid of getting depressed again that I deny when I am having a hard time but now I realize that my deep deep depression over 10 years ago helped me to learn more about my faith and myself than almost any other experience other than our infertility journey.  It is ok for me to embrace this as I walk through it.  

Post partum struggles are real, even for someone who knows exactly what a blessing and joy it is to finally have a baby and experience these miracles after infertility.  I can't allow myself to be ashamed of this even though I feel like I don't have the right.  Everyone has the right.  Everyone faces the risk and everyone should know they are not alone.  

Thank you to everyone who has reached out publicly and privately to share your experiences with me.  For me, solidarity in struggle is so strong and helpful.  I so appreciate you all.  

Here's to transparency and keeping it real.  

patient endurance

Taped onto my desk at work, on the back of an old school "Important Message" paper, I have hand written 2 Peter 1:5-8.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the verse it reads accordingly:

In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God's promises.  Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self control, and self control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone.  The more you grow like this, the more productive and useful you will be in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I read this verse often to remind myself that I need and want to grow like this but lately the words patient endurance and patient endurance with godliness have really hit home.

I don't typically allow for "distractions" like two little words in a verse to interrupt my daily devotional or reading times but I felt these needed some closer attention.  They need closer attention because they are the hitting closest to home lately.  As I had stated in my last post about resolutions, last year came with surprises and the beginning of this year is spent in waiting.  I don't feel as though I have had a lot of control and it has taken a lot of patience.

Patient is defined by Oxford Dictionaries as able to accept or tolerate delays, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious.

Endurance is defined by Oxford Dictionaries as the fact or power of enduring an unpleasant or difficult process or situation without giving way. The capacity of something to last or to withstand wear and tear.

The way I see it I have to be able to accept and tolerate delays without giving way (yielding to someone or something) during an unpleasant or difficult process.  Sounds fun, right?  I am also supposed to combine this with godliness, which is defined as the quality of being devoutly religious.

So let's put that all together...I should be devoutly religious, accept and tolerate delays, without yielding to someone or something during an unpleasant and difficult process.  Now we are really talking about some fun!!

This verse is literally life defining and very timely in my current journey.

Has anyone else been in a situation where you feel you should have way more control and action yet God continually says, "stay still." "I'm working for you."

I'm admitting today that I have a hard time with patient endurance with godliness but I take refuge in the fact that "the more I grow like this, the more productive and useful I will be in my knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."

If you feel yourself in a similar spot as I am, let's join together in brotherly affection and continue to patiently endure life right where we are at.  Let's be obedient and trust that God is absolutely teaching us how to be more like him with each frustrating step of these difficult and unpleasant processes.

I'll end on this.  It is no coincidence that the verse I have written directly below 2 Peter 1:5-8 is Philippians 4:11b-13, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Hold fast my friends.  God gives us our strength.  We will get through this.  

not a resolution person this year? me neither.

For so many people , the new year brings in the chance for new opportunities, new goals, new bodies, new ambitions, and for some new beginnings.  We are bombarded on social media by mantras encouraging wellness and stability, pictures of athletes or trainers showing you what "you could be" if you just follow their plans, and news articles promising better organization skills, steps to financial freedom and 10 ways to be a better mom and wife this year.

For a lot of people these are encouraging and inspiring but if I'm being completely honest, I sort of hate all of it.  Truthfully, most of these things have the exact opposite effect on my brain, rather than encouraging me I get discouraged, feel left out, like I'm doing something wrong or that there is something wrong with the current way I live my life, eat my food, or raise my family.

What if I don't want to or feel the need to change?  What if I want to learn exactly what I am supposed to learn by living right where I am at?  I'm not saying that I don't like to better myself but that doesn't mean I have to drastically change my mindset, my appearance or my lifestyle?  What if something I'm focusing on this year is simply contentment?  Contentment with exactly where God has me and actively working through my current emotions of just being me.

Honestly, six days into the new year, I haven't felt all that inspired to do anything.  In fact, it is all I can do to just trust God with where I am at.  Last year presented a lot of challenges and unexpected journeys for me and this year, I am doing my best to just be present in what that still means for my family.

Each morning I have woken up and had to actively pursue God in an effort to ask Him to help me just live in this moment.  I hate the pressure of resolutions or goal creating at the beginning of February because I feel like its a fad at this point.

So if you are anything like me and right now you are just working on being you, not changing you, more power to you!  I understand feeling the pressure to do something, change something or be something different because its a new year but how about we just rest in the fact that the Lord has brought us to this very moment and He wants to work in our hearts and loves us JUST AS WE ALREADY ARE.  After all, isn't that the whole reason he died for us on the cross?  To save us, just as we are.

Final Note: If you are all about resolutions this year, more power to you!  This was written in order to encourage those that are in a similar boat as I am.  Sometimes some people just need to resolve to just be where God has placed them.  Other times, God calls us to move in other directions, if that's your current journey with the Lord, rock on, friend!

Here I sit: Shaken for Others

There are not many moments when I find myself nearly suffocated with grief, fear and misunderstanding but tonight is one of them.  I saw this post recently and it has rocked me to my core.  Keeping in mind that this is in the wake of all the other violence going on throughout the world as well. 

 

Each picture I passed more tears began to well up in my eyes and my stomach continued to turn in knots.  Each picture I passed I said a prayer, "Thank you, Jesus, for our home. Thank you, Jesus, for our safety.  Thank you, Jesus, that neither my child nor I, have ever known this type of fear.  Thank you, Jesus, for medical bills that mean I can provide medicine to both Camden and my unborn baby.  Thank you Jesus, for soft pillows, blankets, heat and comfort."  How did you choose me for this life of privilege?

Yet, here I sit.  Hurting for these parents.  Hurting for these children who in their short lives have been exposed to and known more hardship, hurt, terror and violence than I will ever know.  I'm motionless.  I have all of this knowledge, and moreso I've always had a solid foundation of faith in which I trust that God is the creator and leader of this world.  Yet I can sit here like anyone else and say, Lord, how can you allow things like this to happen?  How can you allow your children, the youngest of your lambs, to endure such pain, heart ache, violence and cruelty?  I am frustrated, I am angry and I don't understand.

As I write this, I don't have answers and this side of eternity, I never will.  All I can do in my human frailty is choose, deep within my sadness, to trust the Lord and pray.  Just pray.  Pray for these children, pray for their parents.  Our hearts break when we see youth go through hard things but what we don't see are the parents out there, putting on a brave face each morning and each night, and fighting battles literally, physically, and spiritually for their children.

In my hurt and angst after seeing this I am reminded that my God, my Jesus, came and fought the battle on my behalf.  He bore pain and sorrow and put himself in my place so that I can one day be saved and be with him in eternity.  He is just like those parents putting on a brave face and fighting the battles on behalf of his children.  And that, THAT, is what I have to place my hope in right now.  I am reminded that this earth, this sinful place, is not our forever home.  Tonight I can't create peace and I can't take away pain but I can pray.  I can lift up these families in the most powerful way I know how and trust and remember that my Jesus who came before me and bore my pain, can do the same for these people.  I pray that someday these children will know a place where there is no hurt, no violence and no pain. 

I John 5:13

I write these things to you who believe in the name of the son of God so that you may know you have eternal life.  This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.

Dear God, 

I beg you to hear me tonight.  Know my heart and teach me your ways.  Be near these families and these children.  Help me to be better, to do better, to be more to your children who are hurting.  Thank you for this life that you have bestowed on my family and me.  Thank you for your sacrifice.  I pray that these families efforts are not made in vain but that you hear their cries.  Be with your children and this world in these very dark days.  Help us who know you be a hope and a light of your love.  May others who don't know you realize that even your children struggle with fear, doubt and anger at the way this world is but in spite of these things we trust in your will and your ultimate plan.  May your love be my peace and your word be my guide.  Father, I thank you that you broke my heart and shook my comfort.  May I be reminded that this life you have given me is not one to take for granted but to make a difference and used for a purpose.  I pray each day you reveal your heart and purpose for me and my family and pray that we trust you and walk with grace on that path.  Be near tonight, Lord.  In Jesus name I pray, amen. 

Now what? Perspective

Now What?

I received a thorough ultrasound this morning and the doctor came in after reviewing the results and said that the lump is my body fighting an infection.  It is absolutely nothing to be worried about so we can go home with clear minds that all is well.  Praise God!

I had received a peace from the Lord the past few days that this would be the news I received from the doctor this morning and I'm more than grateful for it.

Nonetheless, after being in a position throughout the past week that makes you consider the what ifs and how you would respond if the doctor came back with different news, I find myself saying, now what?

Not because I am ungrateful for the news but moreso because on more than one occasion in the what if process I thought to myself, if this....then that.  If I received bad news then there were ways I would improve on being a wife, being a mom, being a friend, being a disciple.

Here I am with a sound bill of health and I just don't feel like I should take this information and get back to life as usual.  Yes, life is going on but why wait on a few of those if this...then that internal discussions.

After a recent conversation with a close friend about goals in life and talking about ways that we like to "find center" I am noticing that this check-in on life process should happen in more ways than one and more often than I'm used to.

Why should I wait to get bad news to ask my husband, what are ways that I can love you more effectively?  To ask myself, how can I be a more patient mom?  What ways can I more visibly live my faith in front of my son, family, friends?  Why should I wait until I have a more sympathetic platform to be bold in my statements about God and His truth?

I often think that someday I will be called to public speaking but I always wonder, what will be my platform?  What will be the subject matter? This is an answer I do not have yet and honestly, I'm not actively seeking this scenario. I know it is not in this season but God will lead me to something.  However, why am I waiting for an official platform when God has been creating one for me my entire life?  My testimony is my platform.  No one can argue that.

Look back at the Bible.  Look at the people God used.  What was so special about them?  Truthfully, the one quality that every special person in the Bible had was they were real, human, broken, and loved Jesus.


I openly admit that I wait for times when I think that people will want to listen or be more interested in hearing what I have to say.  The truth is, ever since I started this blog, I said that it wasn't for me.  Yes, I love to use it to feel heard but more importantly, I committed using this blog to honor and glorify God's presence and faithfulness in my life.  I need to stop looking for something to make me special and remember that my love for Jesus is all the world needs to see.

Today I challenge you, I challenge myself, during the mundane, every day, plain life to stop waiting for a platform and just honor God.  Honor God in our marriages, in our parenting, in our friendships.  Let's let it be known and obvious, sick or healthy, happy or sad, strong or weak, God is real.  He lives, He breathes, and He is present.

hiccups, healing and My Heavenly Father

Hiccups, healing and my Heavenly Father


To say that my pregnancies go smoothly and without complication would be a lie.  Our last pregnancy journey started well before we actually conceived and most already know the path that led us on and at the end of it was a new beginning, Camden.

This pregnancy has been different in the sense that leading up to it was smooth sailing but there have been a lot of hiccups.  I won't use the word issues or problems because in comparison, our hiccups are small with regards to what some women have to carry, both mentally and physically, during their pregnancy.

If I am being honest, so many of these hiccups have seemed like such inconveniences and have really skewed my perception of the miracle that grows within me.  I've been annoyed that because of my body make-up I'm required to put in the extra effort to carry and maintain a healthy pregnancy.  Where last time I resolved to accept and treasure the way God made me because of my body, this pregnancy I've been looking at them as weaknesses.  I don't like that.  I mean, how dare I behave this way when I know full well what a miracle it is just to be pregnant in the first place?!  I don't like my attitude and I've noticed that I need to really snap out of it.

This pregnancy is almost halfway over and I don't feel like I've really embraced it or enjoyed it.

At the same time, I've really been thinking about how my life, my attitude, and my faith impact our son.  As a result of my attitude being in the wrong place, I worry that my son won't see me daily living out my love for the Lord but that is where I realize I've got it all wrong.  I need to be daily living out my love for the Lord in order for my son to be an everyday witness of God's love, presence and faithfulness in my life.  From that fountain, all other things will flow.

Leading a little one is the biggest responsibility I've ever been blessed with in my entire life.  There may be days that I take it for granted but I never take it lightly.

To circle back to our hiccups, a certain hiccup reared its ugly head about six weeks ago and just in the past two weeks has really tried to take a stronghold over my peace.  It's a lump.  I had it before in my last pregnancy and it went away but now its back.

Earlier this week I was so worried thinking about potential negative outcomes that tears would just well up in my eyes.  It is so easy to get caught up in the what ifs and what could happens that it becomes a black hole and you can get sucked in.

I've been sucked in by fear and debilitated by negativity before when I was depressed and ever since I came out of that I have made a conscious effort to never let myself go back there again.  The only way I know how to avoid that is to get on my knees, get in my Bible and get into conversation with God.

Amazingly, but not-so-surprisingly, since digging in and locking down on my faith, my peace has strengthened and insecurities have weakened.  It isn't a coincidence that in all my devotions and teachings lately the prompt has been to remember all of the miracles that God has performed in the past, remember what God has walked me through and remember the outcomes.  And what miracles I have to celebrate?!  I have two miracle pregnancies in my testimony, I have healing and renewal in my testimony, I have restoration in my love story and relocation in my life's path.  Whom or what shall I fear?  God is for me.

In remembering and reflecting on God's faithfulness, I now take time to tell Camden stories about what Jesus has done in my life, in our lives.  He may not fully understand them at his age, but the words are being said, the history is being taught and the stories are being passed down.  The name of God lives and breathes in our home and especially in our car rides. :)  In putting God back on the front burner, He is an obvious daily presence in our lives and we are working to keep that a priority.


With regards to that hiccup, the lump, I fully believe that the Doctors will say that this is nothing more than just that, a hiccup and nuisance.  Nonetheless, even if they don't, God has gone before me and will carry me and my family.  I declare God's power and victory over this body of mine.  How could I not?  I've already been healed and restored once before, why would I doubt that I am anything but healed and restored still?

If you would, in order to keep this victory march going strong and to help me avoid the what if black hole, I would humbly ask that you say some prayers that God's will is done.  I pray that He is continually glorified with each step we walk down and ask for peace, strength, and confidence in Christ.