Too tired or too busy? Pick your weapon.

Often times I find myself coming home from work with a to do list that outlasts the hours I have left in the day.  Dinner time, bath time, dishes, laundry, quality time with Camden, laundry, prepping for day care, storing breastmilk, cleaning, time with Jake, bed time, etc.

You will note that my list didn't include reading a devotional, time with God, or writing.  I'm currently multi-tasking and writing this on my phone, sitting on the couch next to Jake while he sleeps (quality time, right?) and feeding Camden.  

I've noticed that I have been using the excuses "I'm too tired or I'm too busy" a lot lately.  I've used them to put off writing what is on my heart, to avoid chores or certain projects and even the age old married "I'm too tired."  Yes, I admitted it. Also to avoid reading my bible and digging deeper into time with God.    

Something I realized today though was that those two statements are the Devil's very best weapons against me and the worst part is that I am the one that uses them against myself!  I don't use those excuses on the mundane things as often as I use them on the things that mean the most.  Such as, intimacy with my husband or quiet time with the Lord.  Those two statements erode the most important relationships in my life and it's time for me to reign that in.  

Sometimes God reveals that something I consider small or insignifant is actually quite serious and having a bigger effect on my life than I recognize or admit.  I now realize that when things or my relationships seem to be getting off track, I need to quit giving the Devil a stronghold on my time and my schedule.

Tonight, after recognizing this pattern, God seemed to give me more quality moments and time with those that mean the most.  I'm always amazed that sometimes all it takes is admitting that I struggle with something for God to make a change for the better.  

Matthew 6:33-34 ESV / 4 helpful votes

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Laying It at the Altar

I realize in my last post that I may have come across as ungrateful, especially to those still in the thick of trying to have a baby.  That was not my intention.  Rather, I just want to help people see that infertility isn't like a passing cold or flu.  It doesn't come and go and you don't just get better after getting pregnant or having a baby.  

This post might sound similar or be just as confusing but bear with me as I try to dig deeper into explaining life as I know it.  

As a result of our retrieval, we now have a number of frozen embryos in storage.  These embryos are there for our use when we decide it is time to expand our family.  

At an appointment prior to our IVF cycle, we sat down with a nurse to go over some paperwork.  During this time we came to a couple of questions and she posed them like this.  

"There is a chance that after retrieval you will have extra embryos.  You need to decide what will happen to those embryos in the case of divorce, death, or once you turn 50 years old.  At that point you can either choose to discard them or donate them."

Let's just put this in perspective, we were just told that we need to consider donating or destroying life, made of us, made by us, at the end of a divorce, when we die, or when my biological timeclock has expired... Sure, no big deal, give us 5 minutes to chat.  Mind you, our nurse was awesome and super helpful during all of this but it was still a shocking conversation to have to have.

We talked it over in the few minutes we had and decided that the only option for us, because we refuse to destroy these lives created, would be donation.  

That decision was made before retrieval took place.  We now know that we have 14 embryos frozen for use when we decide it is time to expand our family.  

I think about these babies every day.  I pray for these babies every night.  I wonder what they look like, if there are more boys or girls in that group, if they have more of my personality traits or Jake's, what their laughs sound like, and most importantly, what God's plan is for their lives.  I think of them when I look in my sons eyes, who at one point was frozen just like them.  I wonder who we will meet next if God decides to take us down the path of pregnancy again.

As stated before, there are no guarantees.  Jake and I don't know if we will have another successful transfer, we don't know which of these embryos God will entrust into our care as parents and which He will entrust into another couple's care.  This is heavy stuff.  I imagine conversations with the babies that we can't raise ourselves and explaining to Camden that he has siblings in the world that didn't grow up with him.  My heart breaks at this thought.  My heart yearns to meet every single one of these children but I don't know if that is God's will for our family.  

Last week my pastor challenged us to leave our "security" at the altar.  You see, these frozen embryos are my security.  I know they are there and I wait for the day that I can meet them, whether or not it will be this side of heaven is unknown.  When our pastor spoke two weeks ago, his words pierced my heart.  I was convicted and realized that I was placing more security and drawing comfort from the fact that they are there when needed instead of laying them at the altar and trusting God with their care.  

I can't say what the plan is for our family nor can I say what the plan is for each of our children but I can say that daily, I have to choose to trust God with their care.  I have to lay down my security at the altar and always remember that these children are a blessing from God, they are not mine to keep or control.  I must trust the Lord to give me the strength and patience to see His plan unfold for our family and so far, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.  While embryo donation is a path that we may go down later in life, it is absolutely something that God has to prepare in my heart each and every day starting now.  

Please remember that the weight of infertility can go far beyond what you are aware of or can imagine.  

Jake and I are privileged that God has chosen us to walk down this incredibly windy road but we know it will bring us to our knees time and time again and we just hope we can walk it with God's guidance.  We lay these babies down at the altar and we pray that God will guide us and help us to be good stewards.

Beyond the Baby: The Aftermath of Infertility

It has been a while since God has laid anything on my heart to share and I didn’t really intend on writing on this subject openly until someone nudged me to do so. 

While I’ve known ever since walking through our journey to pregnancy and IVF that my heart breaks most for those longing for a child, there are some portions of this struggle that I would feel more comfortable keeping private but yet again, God calls me to be transparent. 

I thought that after I got pregnant and upon the arrival of our son that everything would just be better or I would somehow feel fixed.  Then one day, we received news that our friends had begun trying to have a baby and were successful right away.   With this announcement came the usual lines of “I could just look at her and she would get pregnant…” or “It was always very easy for us…” 

I stood there and let the comments go in one ear and out the other and while I was so joyful for our friends, I found the news hard to take.  Really hard to take.   Luckily, Jake could sense this immediately and upon our arrival home, just as tears began to well in my eyes, he said, “Isn’t it crazy how different life can be for people?  God has such different plans for each of us.  Sometimes I don’t get it, but you know what? I’m ok with it.” 

He knew.  He knew instinctively that there was a part of my heart that was broken for us.  He knew that even after everything we have been through, I carry a certain weight because I know that isn’t our story.  He won’t ever be able to say how easy it was for us. 

The fact of the matter is that while we have our child that we have longed for and prayed for for years, we are still working with the same equipment.  And while I am fearfully and wonderfully made, the way God created me puts us at a disadvantage when it comes to naturally conceiving a child so that just isn’t us.  It wasn’t our story and unless God wills it otherwise, it won’t be our story.

That night, I realized that infertility is not just a one-time thing that you go through only to have it be “fixed” by a pregnancy or a child, if that is what God plans.  It is something that you re-live over and over again.  The sting of pregnancy announcements can be just as hard after you have had a baby as it was before you had a child because while you may have your baby there is no guarantee that you will be able to continue to grow your family.  It comes with a dose of post-traumatic stress because you know in the back of your mind that it was harder for you, it took longer, and there are no guarantees.  Please don’t take this as me saying that anyone who successfully conceived naturally once will be able to do so again or that pregnancy is a guarantee for anyone.  What I am saying is that once you live through the reality of infertility, you never truly let it go.  It is always a part of who you are, it is part of your story, and it can discourage you or encourage you.  It can also be very painful to revisit and is not necessarily somewhere you hope to return to ever again.  Nonetheless, if you desire one child or five, it may be something you think of often. 

Truthfully, I accept it as my cross to bear but I won’t say that it has been or is easy to carry.  I know that it is a heavy load and that is why it is so deeply rooted in my heart to help anyone else carrying it.  It can make you weak and bring you to your knees.  It can knock the wind out of you when you least expect it and that is why it is so important to let others help you get back up. 

I have to remind myself often that there is no shame in what we went through or the steps we had to take to get to where we are.  I continue to find victory in the struggle.  I share these thoughts and insecurities with you because I want you to know I am not “fixed” and I have realized I am not seeking that.  I won’t sit here and tell you how infertility will affect any one person in particular or how you will come out at the “end” of your struggle.  I can only share what it has and continues to do in my heart and trust that God will use it for good.  I will also trust that God and my husband continue to love me just as I am. 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

Humility & Housework

Today I want to write about something that each of us hold near and dear to our hearts - housework.  No kidding, I want to talk about housework.

Lately I have been struggling with the thought of other people seeing my messy house and the judgment that I receive as a result of it.  For those of you who don't know my in-laws, specifically on my mother-in-law's side, they might as well be professional cleaners.  Each of them has a house cleaner than the next.  They spend their free time, amongst all of the other activities they participate in, cleaning and scrubbing their homes and maintaining immaculate living spaces.  They have the work ethic of a draft horse and the endurance of one also.  I admire how well they keep up their homes but don't aspire to reach that level.  While my husband did receive the work ethic and endurance of his family members, he didn't necessarily receive their love or need for a spotless home. Thankfully.

I come from a family that cleaned the house best when we knew mom was coming home from a business trip, right before a party or when we were all grounded.   Most of the time we were forced to clean our rooms because our mother decided to literally remove every single thing off of our shelves and out of our drawers and put it all into one large pile on our floor, after which we were not allowed to leave our room until she could see the floor again and everything was neatly put away and sorted.  Needless to say, I wasn't born with an inherent gene to clean either. 

I also come from a family that cherished nap-time, rest and relaxation.  Our form of relaxing was not doing one single thing.  We would order a pizza or chinese food and watch a movie.   My in-laws form of relaxing is prepping the horses and camping gear and heading out for a weekend filled with home-cooking, horseback riding and good times.

The further I get into my marriage, the more I notice these differences.  The closer I get to having our child, the more I think about them. 

I've been reading a lot about the Proverbs 31 woman and I'm noticing that I have a few shortcomings in the Proverbs 31 woman category.  First of all, I don't like to wake up when it is dark outside.  Second, my husband does all of the outside work and I hate yard work plus I have terrible allergies.  I could probably manage to lift a few weights to tone up my arms and.... I received a sewing machine for Christmas in 2012 and have yet to take it out of the box. You see where I'm going with this...I'm falling short in a couple of areas and lacking motivation to change in some others.

Right now, we are in the process of an addition and a lot of comments we receive go to the tune of "yeah, you guys need more space to clean...", "how are you going to keep up on your housework?", and "I have a hard time keeping up with my own house, I don't know how you are going to handle more space..."  Are you sensing a running theme?  It seems that a lot of people seem to have a concern about how well I am going to manage my home and chores.

Why do we do this?  Why do we feel that it is acceptable to cast judgment on how other people run their home and do their housework?  Why does it bother others so much that Jake and I live in our home and quite frankly, the mess doesn't bother us like it bothers them all the time.  While I am coming upon the nesting phase of my pregnancy and realize that certain things do need to be done to prepare for the baby, such as cleaning closets, I also need to remember that we all live in our homes and once the baby gets here that won't be any different.  In fact, I'll probably want to spend less time cleaning and more time snuggling and cuddling and it won't be the end of the world.

I know in my heart that God has called our family to hospitality and I also realize that that means my house may go in waves of organization and disarray and I am working with Him on accepting that fact.  My sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew, and older brother just left last weekend after a three week stay and I have been spending the week getting my house back in order.  Yes, it takes work and it takes time but I would not trade those three weeks of dishes and toys everywhere for anything.  That three week time period is not something I will likely ever have again with them.  So yes, we were hospitable but at the same time, we all just lived in our house like one big family.  We cleaned in moderation and had quality family time.  I believe that part of being hospitable is releasing the reigns of how one can live in your house.  If they feel like it is their home or their space also, you are doing something right during the time that they are there.   

God is showing me that there are times when I need to be more like Mary and less like Martha and vice versa but He is also calling me to drop my guard and let you all know that I struggle in this because I must not be the only one.  I humbly admit to all of you that my house is not kept clean all the time and there are times when I just don't feel like keeping up with it.  I also admit that I am guilty of allowing other peoples' opinions of my housekeeping effect my self-esteem.  I admit that the thought of any of my in-laws coming over prompts stress and a swift cleaning because of fear of judgment and I also admit that I clean better under pressure. 

Today I commit to acknowledging that this is a growing area for me and I promise to remember that "we all live in our homes."  That line was said to me by a girl whom I had never met before but was coming to my house to pick something up and when I apologized that my house would be a mess when she got there she said, "Oh please, we all live in our homes.  Don't even worry about it."  I will forever be grateful to her for that because it is a constant reminder of life and mess in moderation for me.

So going forward, while I may not be a Proverbs 31 woman in every area of my life, I'm going to try to focus on the laughing at the days to come and setting upon my work vigorously to the best of my ability.  Some days that work may be for my job, others it will be play-time, and others it will be house work, but always it will be for the honor and glory of my God and my family. 

The Heart of a Man

Male nesting in our household has taken the form of lots of planning for lots of work.  Jake has decided to take on a second part-time job in order to better plan for the future and potentially secure a stable income down the road.  On top of this, God has not only provided the opportunity to bid on a few jobs but those bids have been accepted and Upper Level’s schedule is filling quickly.

Three years ago when we made the decision to begin Upper Level Construction it was with the full faith and understanding that God will provide for us each step of the way and He so faithfully has.  We saw the path that God put before us and regardless of how nerve-wracking it was as newlyweds to commit to starting our own business we took a leap of faith and committed our business, just like our marriage, to serving God’s purposes.

Female nesting on the other hand has taken form or worry (pregnancy worry is the worst) but to stay relevant to this post my current worry is that with all of this work, the second job, our own home projects, and social events this summer, mama and papa over here won’t get to spend very much time with one another.  

My husband is the hardest worker I have ever met in my entire life.  He wakes up early every day and not only makes the coffee and takes care of the dog, he always manages to have five minutes to watch some of the news.  Then he goes on to a full day working construction and is actively on the job for 8 to 10 hours.  On most days after work he is helping a family member with a project or helping a friend. 

Knowing his work ethic, determination and new-found desire to “nest” and prepare financially for our child, I’m concerned that he will wear himself out but then I remembered the heart of the man I married during a conversation tonight.

He went to help out our 75 year old neighbor insulate some of her windows and refused to accept payment for a favor that took him 10 minutes so he came home with homemade cinnamon rolls as his payment.  On the ride home from small group today, admittedly getting tense about all of the upcoming obligations he has and worrying about being forgotten, he mentions that he spent 45 minutes talking with our neighbor.  The two of them talked about their faith, raising children, me, my hobbies and even my blog.  He spent 45 minutes sharing our life and discussing our faith with our neighbor and as he was telling his story, I remember what I love most about him.

While all of this work and these obligations make me worry that our relationship or our family will go by the wayside, God gently reminded me of the heart that my husband has.  He has a heart for others but most importantly, he has a heart for the Lord and a heart for me. 

Tonight I have to say that I am so grateful that three years after we are married God gives me the privilege to witness the man of God my husband is and continues to become. 

You see there are some people that don’t feel that faith plays a big part in marriage but I wholeheartedly disagree.  My husband is not just a good man or a hard worker; he is a man of God and has a servant’s heart.  In the moments or in the times that I feel insecure in my marriage because of this reason or that, I am able to release those insecurities to the Lord and trust in the man that He has created.  Knowing that God is the leader of my husband’s heart and the head of our household, I can move forward in confidence and faith without concern. 

God has given Jake these opportunities and not only will Jake do his best to fulfill his commitments, he will take 45 minutes out of his day to talk to a widow who needs a friendly visit and also spend an hour having dinner visiting with my mom and I after she gets back from a trip.  I’m so blessed by him. 

Wives, I challenge you to push away those cobwebs of worry and remember the heart of the man you married.  If remembering the heart of the man you married doesn’t give you comfort, trust God with the heart of the man you married.  His loves never fails and with His strength our husbands can do all things in Christ, which includes being loving husbands, present fathers, and good stewards. 

Tonight I’m grateful for the heart of my man and will continue to pray that God uses Jake’s heart in ways that honor Him. 

Philippians 2:3-5

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.  Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus. 

Psalm 1:1-4

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.  He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither.  In all that he does, he prospers. 

Grace Out of Control

In the past four months I have been experiencing a feeling of powerlessness.  I am only going to speak to the events in my own personal life that are giving me this feeling but I want to quickly touch on the fact that this sense of powerlessness is also stemming from an inability to actively participate and help in shaping the future of others.  I have a few select friends who are waiting on answers in their life and have asked me to pray for them and that is the only thing I can do to impact the outcome of their circumstances.  There is nothing in my human capability to do and I have been forced to trust that my prayers are as strong as any physical support I can give them.  The outcome of their requests is out of my control but I can join with them in prayer and support when they need it most.

As for my own experiences, the idea of just praying is fine and dandy for everyone else when I know I absolutely have no control but in my own life I feel like I should be able to control the outcome, even when it is clearly out of my hands.  As you can imagine, God has had a few serious sit-downs with me on this.

I am realizing now more than ever that I will encounter so many situations that I can't control and require complete and utter dependence on God.  Presently, labor is the item staring me in the face that I feel I should have control over and I don't.  As with so many other aspects of my life in the past two years, there are physical variables that come into play when discussing this subject.  Since God chose to create me with a unicornuate uterus, my doctor knows that I have a chance of preterm labor, a chance of preterm delivery, a chance of a c-section, and a chance of becoming a high risk pregnancy.  I don't know about you but that sounds like a lot of chances and I am not a gambler by nature.

Not only are all of these things potential "issues" with my delivery, there is an exciting family event happening shortly after our due date and everyone has an opinion on when it would be convenient for me to deliver and doesn't hesitate to share this information with me.  I totally admit that I am a planner by nature so the fact that I can't reassure them and let them know exactly how it will work out drives me bonkers!  Sometimes organization is a strength and other times it can feel like a character flaw.

While struggling through these items two weeks ago the words grace out of control popped into my head and I have not been able to shake them.  When I struggle with a sense of powerlessness in my own life, God continues to remind me that His grace is still present when I feel out of control.  While I feel that this delivery is out of my hands, I know that it is not out of His control.  Its actually ENTIRELY in His control.  When I worry about the type of person my child will be and the type of parents Jake and I will be, I remember that God's grace is going to be present even when we feel powerless.

The truth is that in all of our lives we have moments where we feel powerless and it feels like an injustice.  Shouldn't we be entitled to control in our own lives? With our children?  In our relationships?  With our schedules?  With our finances?  With our plans? The answer is no, we shouldn't.

As a Christian I have committed to living my life for Christ and fulfilling His will and His purpose in the lives around me.  I gave up the reigns of control when I was four years old and now, at 28, I am still remembering that.  My God gives grace when things are out of control and He is present in both the chaos and the stillness.  Today, I commit to feeling that grace and peace even in my restlessness.  I commit to trusting Him with my pregnancy, with my marriage, with our child and with our family, immediate and extended, and with our livelihood.  

Remember that having God in your heart is receiving grace out of your control.  I pray that you can receive that grace today, whatever your present chaos may be.

A Call To Marriage

After a recent conversation with friends about wedding ceremonies it was brought to my attention just how little weight "Christian" or religious ceremonies have.  I have friends that come from mixed religious backgrounds and mixed levels of faith or different faiths than I have.  To sit and hear the arguments for and against getting married in a church or by a pastor was eye-opening.

For Jake and I, getting married by a pastor, in a church, before God and family, was the most important aspect of our wedding.  We believe that God is the driving force of our success and guide of our marriage and future yet, I couldn't sit there and tell my friends that believing in or involving God in your wedding day will make a difference on your future simply because statistics are not on my side.

So here it is, I want to challenge to my Christian married friends into a new way of thinking.  The divorce rate in the church is the same as the divorce rate outside of the church.  We as Christians are called to serve someone bigger than ourselves and fulfill a purpose greater than our own.  Shouldn't we bring that attitude of service and commitment first and foremost into our marriages?  

I know we hear talks on this stuff all of the time but my eyes were opened last night to a different perspective.  A raw perspective and a statistically valid perspective.  

Jake and I will be married three years this April.  We are not experts on marriage.  We are far from it.  But this conversation we had with friends made me realize just how important glorifying God in our success and failures will be going forward.  The only way to show others that God does have an impact and plays a vital role in our marriage is to show them.  To live out our commitment every day, in good and bad, so that the world can be witness to the power that God has.

I could have taken this conversation a few different ways but I am going to choose to take it as a challenge.  This conversation was a gift to Jake and me.  God has chosen to open our eyes to a very real epidemic occurring within the marriage community and in doing so has also called us to live out our lives in a way that speaks louder than any words could.

It is my prayer that Jake and I will commit to honoring God at all times, as husband and wife, as parents, as family members, as friends and members of our community.

Will you and your significant other commit to live this way also?  Will you step up and prove through actions, rather than words that God makes a difference in your marriage?

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12