Thursday, May 30, 2013

Seeing a Specialist - The Decision

It has been a while since I've been actively blogging and I wanted to provide an update.  I searched the web for blogs about what I going through and someone who may understand how hard it is, as a Christian, to decide to see a specialist.  

After a year and half of actively trying to have a baby that it was time to see a specialist.  I want you to know that we did not come to this decision easily or without a lot of prayer and consideration.  We desperately hoped for that miracle pregnancy that just happened against all odds.  We felt like we were dishonoring God by not trusting Him for a miracle.  We didn't want people to think that we were lacking faith in Him by going to see doctors but in the end, here we are, going to a specialist.  

We realized that there is so much more that needs to be addressed.  Up until this point, we have known that I am personally the "problem."  I do not ovulate on a regular basis and my hormone levels are completely out of whack.  An interesting note is that for my whole life I have struggled with exczema, food allergies, seasonal allergies and seasonal asthma.  I thought that this was just a normal part of my life and that it didn't affect my overall health.  I was wrong.  After so many different attempts of diets and medicine and other "remedies" God has revealed to me that I have a very sensitive body and He is showing me just how much I need to be taking care of the temple He has given me.  He is providing me with doctors who are learning and know more about my body than even I do and He is providing me with solutions and steps to take to not only prepare for a baby but to maintain my health. 

After we finally decided that make the appointment with the specialist, I had a break down.  I realized that I wasn't just avoiding making an appointment because I didn't want to disappoint God.  I didn't want to disappoint myself or my husband. 

I was standing there at my kitchen sink, doing the dishes when all of a sudden tears just started streaming down my face.  I wasn't worried about needles, blood, meds or anything like that, I was worried about my emotional strength and in a moment of extreme weakness and vulnerability I admitted to my husband that I didn't think I would be strong enough to go through this.   All I could manage to say was, "I just don't think I'm strong enough to handle any more heart ache.  I don't think I can do this.  It's just too hard."

There was nothing that my husband could say at that moment to make me feel better so I walked upstairs, walked into our bathroom, stood in front of the mirror bawling and cried out to God.  I asked Him to take the burden away.  I told him I am not strong enough. 

His response, "Why do you doubt me?  It is not by your strength that you will do this anyways.  It is by mine." That was it.  That was all I needed to hear and then I knew that we (God, Jake and I) would be able to walk this path forward.  We realized that just because we are going to see a specialist does not mean that we are doubting God's provision.  He was just taking us on a different baby journey than other people.  

I want to take a minute and just brag on the God that I serve.  What a powerful, perfect timing, super-strong God.  He knew that I needed to break down and cry out to Him before I would listen and HEAR His words.  My mind had been filled with so much chatter and doubt that it was drowning him out. 

It never fails, it is when I feel my weakest and most broken that God shows up and loves me the most.  I know in my heart that there are people out there today who are avoiding God or can't hear Him because of the chatter and sound of other things.  I know there are people making excuses and pretending they are strong enough.  I also know there are people that just. need. that. breakdown.  Trust me, God will break you down, to build you back up.  Trust Him with your weakness, let Him be your strength.  He will show you things about yourself that you never imagined were possible. 

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