Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Initial shock: Made Wrong

This week has not been a good week.  On Wednesday I felt down and defeated and throughout the rest of the week that feeling just continued.  My weekend was a great reminder of what wonderful friends I have but it was spent away from my husband.

On Sunday, I picked up Jake from the city and we headed out to the suburbs to relax and spend time with my parents.  We were staying the night at their house because we had two doctor's appointments the next day.  One because I needed to get a booster of the MMR vaccine and the second appointment was for my hystersalpingogram.

I had outgrown my two MMR vaccines from childhood.  I've learned that this isn't as uncommon as I thought but it means that any potential treatments have to be pushed back by a whole month because it is a live vaccine. If we were to conceive in this month the baby could be at risk for miscarriage or birth defects.

The hysterosalpingogram is a test to tell whether or not your tubes are blocked.  It is an invasive test and uncomfortable.   During the test they discovered that my right tube appears to be blocked.

When we left the appointment I asked the nurse what the next step would be and she said to set up an appointment with the doctor.  The next appointment wasn't available for two weeks but we went ahead and made it.

Keep in mind that it has been over two weeks since Jake gave his semen analysis, we have not received any results from that, and our first appointment was on May 6th.  My body simply refuses to get on board with this whole baby idea.  It feels like it has been a long time and we still haven't gotten anywhere....until yesterday.

After hearing that one of my tubes was blocked I felt like I had gotten punched in the gut.  All this time I was waiting for an answer or for the doctors to "figure something out" and once I got an answer it knocked the wind out of me.  All of those negative emotions just boiled over again and I wanted to cry.  Knowing that I have one tube blocked limits our options. 

Like I said, I had finally gotten an answer but this time I didn't hear, "your right tube is blocked" I heard, "It's all your fault, again, you and your husband are having a hard time having a baby because there is SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU."

I was hurt. I was sad. I didn't know what to say.  I felt guilty.  I was discouraged.

Then one day I heard this incredible line, which you've seen throughout other posts.  We chose marriage over parenthood.  Jake chose me before we knew there were any issues.  He chose to do life with me before the thought of kids even entered our mind and he reminds me of that all the time.

Another reminder I got was that not only has Jake chosen me, more importantly God has chosen me.  He has pursued me and created me to be His child.  He has chosen me to be a part of His greater purpose on earth.  I may not always know why God picked me to experience these things but I do know he chose me and created me whatever way He wanted to.  He was gracious and gave Jake and I one another to experience this life with and He has blessed us beyond measure.  No matter what medicine said or anatomy said, I was chosen for a purpose and there is nothing wrong with me.

Remember that God created you and He has chosen you.  He has chosen you to glorify Him.  He has chosen to show you mercy and grace even when you can't sense it.  He chose to create you exactly how you are.  Choose to honor Him with that.  

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