Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Treading Water

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed by life in general that you feel like you are treading water?  No matter what you do you can't seem to get to the shore or get a good stroke in for a strong swim.  Everything seems close yet so far away and it is all you can do just to doggy paddle right where you are and keep your head above the water.

After our second IUI attempt failed, Jake and I made the decision to proceed with my surgery.  After the news that our IUI failed and before the surgery we had about a month of wait time.  It was during this time that I started to feel like I was sinking.  So many people kept telling me how great it will be once I have the surgery because I will get answers and know exactly what is going on.  While I wholeheartedly agreed with these statements, the thought of getting answers absolutely TERRIFIED me.  Every step that we have gone through in this process, each answer I have received, has been harder than the next.  When you going through infertility you realize that while you would love to always be optimistic and be a half glass full type of person, you also have to think about the glass being half empty.  So while we want to get excited each time we do a procedure and be hopeful, we are always cautious about keeping our emotions in check because we know that we may hear, "I'm sorry but not this time," or, "it didn't work out this time," or "the test came back negative, you are not pregnant. What would you like to do next?"  20 times we have gotten glass is half empty or entirely empty answers.

All this time the doctors have always said you may have a blocked tube, that may be the reason you aren't getting pregnant but we won't know for sure unless we do surgery.  Once we do surgery then we will know exactly what is going on and be able to give you a firm diagnosis and plan going forward.  If it is something we can fix, we will, if not, we will let you know and look at other options.

"Other options."  Two words that haunted me for an entire month.  All I could think about before this surgery was this is it.  THIS is when we will find out if I am able to have a child or not.  THIS is when we will hear if it is something they can fix or not.  THIS is when the doctors will really know what we are dealing with or are up against.  I was preparing for the worst.  The results of this test were going to affect the rest of my life.  My entire future.  I was dreading hearing that the doctors couldn't fix it and I wouldn't be able to have my own children.  The mere thought of this kept sucking me under and God had to keep pulling me back up. 

I realized during all of this that treading water isn't a bad thing.  You work your darndest to keep your head up and sometimes you succeed while other times you dip under for a little bit.  I got to the point before hearing my results that I said I am giving up on treading water.  I can't do this anymore and that is when it happened.  That is when my friend said to me, "Dana, you always tell me to be still.  Do I need to be telling you that right now?"  And IT HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS!  I didn't need to be treading water, I didn't need to be carrying any of this weight because God would carry it for me.  Right there!  Right in that moment when my friend used my own go-to line against me, I realized God was speaking to me.  He can calm the seas, He can walk on water, and He can meet me in my needs.  I just needed to be still (in the water) and He would be there to catch me and help me float. 

At the end of the surgery I was told it is not something that could be "fixed" but it is something we could "work with."  First of all - God has a funny sense of humor in showing me that HE MADE ME, He created me exactly how he wanted me and it wasn't going to be something that needed to be fixed.  Second, He brought us to another step but this time the answers still gave us hope.  

Wherever you may be today, I pray that you just stop.  Stop treading water.  Stop trying to keep your head above it and let yourself be still.  See what God does to the rough waters then.  See Him walk on the water to reach you.  See Him calm your storm and give you peace in being still during your present circumstances. 

Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fires you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

2 Samuel 22:17 He sent me from on high, he took me; he drew me out of many waters.

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