Father, I come to you today because my heart is hurting so very much. This week has been one of the hardest weeks of our lives. There was joy, triumph, humility, failure, struggle and most of all, a lack of understanding.
Today was supposed to be the day that we were going to have our first transfer. I thought it was going to be the beginning of an amazing journey, a new journey, a happy journey. Instead, this morning I sit here crying and pouring out my heart because I can’t understand. We were so ready. Our hearts are so ready. We want to honor you and trust you; we’ve told you our kids are yours and not ours. We know that this is about something bigger than ourselves and we thought that finally it was going to come to fruition.
Instead, we had a successful retrieval and then a visit to the ER, an emergency procedure to calm my body down and found out we had to cancel our transfer.
Father, I sit here hurt and confused. I sit here not totally excited to talk to you about this and I admit that I am bitter. Regardless, if I say that we will honor you, trust you and choose to serve you with our children then I need to do so in my actions and words now. So here I sit. I sit humbled, I sit sad, I sit confused, I sit hurting, I sit broken down, but I sit here a sinner in grace, in mercy, in hope. I have fallen and feel knocked down at your feet but at your feet I will stay.
Lord, I know that there is a reason for this delay. I know that there is a reason my body was not ready to take a pregnancy and I know there is a reason you kept our embryos safe outside of my body to develop. I don’t understand your reasoning or your timing but I also don’t know everything else going on behind the scenes for us. I don’t see the things you are protecting us from but I know you work for our good and for our family’s good.
So here I remain, at your feet. I sit here and ask that you forgive me for my bitterness as I work through this and I don’t pray for understanding but instead I pray for a greater trust in Your plan for our lives. I choose to praise you in this sadness and I choose to glorify your mysterious works at all times, even when it feels almost impossible. I trust that you will heal my body completely. I trust that you will prepare a safe place for our “someday baby” in my body. Lord, I know you are in this and I pray that Jake and I reflect your faithfulness, your character and your presence in our lives even when it is the hardest. Forgive me today for my disappointment but create in me a new heart and renew a right spirit within me.
Give us strength, give us courage, give us hope. Thank you for these circumstances for in them we are refined and made more like you.