Here I Sit: My Prayer Through IVF, OHSS, & Unexpected Delays

Father, I come to you today because my heart is hurting so very much.  This week has been one of the hardest weeks of our lives.  There was joy, triumph, humility, failure, struggle and most of all, a lack of understanding. 

Today was supposed to be the day that we were going to have our first transfer.  I thought it was going to be the beginning of an amazing journey, a new journey, a happy journey.  Instead, this morning I sit here crying and pouring out my heart because I can’t understand.  We were so ready.  Our hearts are so ready.  We want to honor you and trust you; we’ve told you our kids are yours and not ours.  We know that this is about something bigger than ourselves and we thought that finally it was going to come to fruition. 

Instead, we had a successful retrieval and then a visit to the ER, an emergency procedure to calm my body down and found out we had to cancel our transfer. 

Father, I sit here hurt and confused.  I sit here not totally excited to talk to you about this and I admit that I am bitter.  Regardless, if I say that we will honor you, trust you and choose to serve you with our children then I need to do so in my actions and words now.  So here I sit.  I sit humbled, I sit sad, I sit confused, I sit hurting, I sit broken down, but I sit here a sinner in grace, in mercy, in hope.  I have fallen and feel knocked down at your feet but at your feet I will stay. 

Lord, I know that there is a reason for this delay.  I know that there is a reason my body was not ready to take a pregnancy and I know there is a reason you kept our embryos safe outside of my body to develop.  I don’t understand your reasoning or your timing but I also don’t know everything else going on behind the scenes for us.  I don’t see the things you are protecting us from but I know you work for our good and for our family’s good. 

So here I remain, at your feet.  I sit here and ask that you forgive me for my bitterness as I work through this and I don’t pray for understanding but instead I pray for a greater trust in Your plan for our lives.  I choose to praise you in this sadness and I choose to glorify your mysterious works at all times, even when it feels almost impossible.   I trust that you will heal my body completely.  I trust that you will prepare a safe place for our “someday baby” in my body.  Lord, I know you are in this and I pray that Jake and I reflect your faithfulness, your character and your presence in our lives even when it is the hardest.  Forgive me today for my disappointment but create in me a new heart and renew a right spirit within me.  

Give us strength, give us courage, give us hope.  Thank you for these circumstances for in them we are refined and made more like you.  

No Guarantees

I've realized that so many things in my life lack a guarantee.  My eyes have been opened to so much in the recent weeks that I feel led to share this somewhat somber post. 

The Devil does such a good job of making us think that we are in control of our lives!  He makes us think that if we get a degree and go to school then we are guaranteed a job.  He makes us think that if we wear the right clothes and say the right things, people will like us. He makes us think that if we work hard and show up to work every day we will always have a job and a paycheck.  He makes us think that as long as we have money in the bank, we are financially secure and nothing can touch our livelihood.  He makes us think that if we love each other enough, spend enough time with each other, go on enough dates, have nice things and do fun things, our marriages will be untouchable.  He makes us think that if we eat right and exercise, we are going to have control over our lives/lifespan.  He makes Jake and I think that as long as we put our hope in doctors and medicine, God and faith have no place in our pregnancy. 

How many students have bachelors degrees and masters degrees and are looking for work?  How many men and women try their hardest to conform to the ways of this world, yet still feel alone?  How many people worked hard and showed up to work everyday for 30 years to find a pink slip in the mailbox one day and their severance packages dissolved?  How many people have savings in the bank only to find out after a bad medical diagnosis or a crisis that it wasn't enough?  How many marriages start out with the best intentions and seem so happy only to be ripped apart by divorce and infidelity?  How many healthy and active people treat themselves and their bodies right, only to find out they are another victim of cancer?  How many doctors have we visited and how many treatments have we tried yet we still aren't pregnant?

None of the things above come with a guarantee.  None of the things above are promised to us.  I once heard someone say, "On any given day, your boss owes you nothing more than a paycheck.  Regardless of how good of an employee or person you are, at the end of the day all they owe you is a paycheck for the hours you worked." 

Also, people spend hours reading countless articles about marriage and keeping the love alive only to see the bottom of the page filled with comments from people who say, "I tried this and my marriage still failed...  I stayed in great shape and my husband or wife still cheated on me...  This is a lie, the love never stays alive..."

So much money gets spent on gym memberships and healthy foods and yet, people still die at a young age, or have heart attacks because of their genetics or get diagnosed with cancer.

Satan fools us by giving us a false sense of control.  

Possibly the biggest trick that Satan has is that he makes us think that as long as we show up to church on holidays or even once a week and do the song and dance, we will go to Heaven.   He makes you think that doing good things and treating people right will get you to that happy place above.  Why should you need a personal relationship with Jesus Christ in order to go to heaven?  Why should you SERVE someone in order to live a happy life?

I say all of this not to condemn anyone but to challenge people.  Just as I am being challenged right now because I have been tricked by all of these lies and recently my EYES have been opened to the fact that I was BELIEVING so many of these lies.  I realize that the only guarantee that I have in my life is my Savior.  I am guaranteed by asking God into my heart and asking Him to guide and lead my life, that my name is written in the Lamb's Book of Life.  I am not guaranteed that I will always have a job but I am guaranteed that no matter what circumstances I face, whether they are financial, physical, or emotional, He is with me.  My marriage is not guaranteed to be perfect but as long as Jake and I put Christ first, we will have something bigger and stronger than ourselves guiding us.  Our treatments are not guaranteed to get us pregnant but we know that God will lead us down whatever path we are supposed to walk once they are no longer an option. 

God guarantees us one thing in life: His love.  Please remember that the next time you want to complain about something not going your way.  You have not been guaranteed any of these things so instead of being upset, focus on the best and most important guarantee you'll ever get in your life - God loves you and if you submit to His will and His plan for your life, you will spend eternity in Heaven! Where none of this other stuff will matter anyways! Can I get an amen to that?! 

Initial shock: Made Wrong

This week has not been a good week.  On Wednesday I felt down and defeated and throughout the rest of the week that feeling just continued.  My weekend was a great reminder of what wonderful friends I have but it was spent away from my husband.

On Sunday, I picked up Jake from the city and we headed out to the suburbs to relax and spend time with my parents.  We were staying the night at their house because we had two doctor's appointments the next day.  One because I needed to get a booster of the MMR vaccine and the second appointment was for my hystersalpingogram.

I had outgrown my two MMR vaccines from childhood.  I've learned that this isn't as uncommon as I thought but it means that any potential treatments have to be pushed back by a whole month because it is a live vaccine. If we were to conceive in this month the baby could be at risk for miscarriage or birth defects.

The hysterosalpingogram is a test to tell whether or not your tubes are blocked.  It is an invasive test and uncomfortable.   During the test they discovered that my right tube appears to be blocked.

When we left the appointment I asked the nurse what the next step would be and she said to set up an appointment with the doctor.  The next appointment wasn't available for two weeks but we went ahead and made it.

Keep in mind that it has been over two weeks since Jake gave his semen analysis, we have not received any results from that, and our first appointment was on May 6th.  My body simply refuses to get on board with this whole baby idea.  It feels like it has been a long time and we still haven't gotten anywhere....until yesterday.

After hearing that one of my tubes was blocked I felt like I had gotten punched in the gut.  All this time I was waiting for an answer or for the doctors to "figure something out" and once I got an answer it knocked the wind out of me.  All of those negative emotions just boiled over again and I wanted to cry.  Knowing that I have one tube blocked limits our options. 

Like I said, I had finally gotten an answer but this time I didn't hear, "your right tube is blocked" I heard, "It's all your fault, again, you and your husband are having a hard time having a baby because there is SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU."

I was hurt. I was sad. I didn't know what to say.  I felt guilty.  I was discouraged.

Then one day I heard this incredible line, which you've seen throughout other posts.  We chose marriage over parenthood.  Jake chose me before we knew there were any issues.  He chose to do life with me before the thought of kids even entered our mind and he reminds me of that all the time.

Another reminder I got was that not only has Jake chosen me, more importantly God has chosen me.  He has pursued me and created me to be His child.  He has chosen me to be a part of His greater purpose on earth.  I may not always know why God picked me to experience these things but I do know he chose me and created me whatever way He wanted to.  He was gracious and gave Jake and I one another to experience this life with and He has blessed us beyond measure.  No matter what medicine said or anatomy said, I was chosen for a purpose and there is nothing wrong with me.

Remember that God created you and He has chosen you.  He has chosen you to glorify Him.  He has chosen to show you mercy and grace even when you can't sense it.  He chose to create you exactly how you are.  Choose to honor Him with that.  

Treading Water

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed by life in general that you feel like you are treading water?  No matter what you do you can't seem to get to the shore or get a good stroke in for a strong swim.  Everything seems close yet so far away and it is all you can do just to doggy paddle right where you are and keep your head above the water.

After our second IUI attempt failed, Jake and I made the decision to proceed with my surgery.  After the news that our IUI failed and before the surgery we had about a month of wait time.  It was during this time that I started to feel like I was sinking.  So many people kept telling me how great it will be once I have the surgery because I will get answers and know exactly what is going on.  While I wholeheartedly agreed with these statements, the thought of getting answers absolutely TERRIFIED me.  Every step that we have gone through in this process, each answer I have received, has been harder than the next.  When you going through infertility you realize that while you would love to always be optimistic and be a half glass full type of person, you also have to think about the glass being half empty.  So while we want to get excited each time we do a procedure and be hopeful, we are always cautious about keeping our emotions in check because we know that we may hear, "I'm sorry but not this time," or, "it didn't work out this time," or "the test came back negative, you are not pregnant. What would you like to do next?"  20 times we have gotten glass is half empty or entirely empty answers.

All this time the doctors have always said you may have a blocked tube, that may be the reason you aren't getting pregnant but we won't know for sure unless we do surgery.  Once we do surgery then we will know exactly what is going on and be able to give you a firm diagnosis and plan going forward.  If it is something we can fix, we will, if not, we will let you know and look at other options.

"Other options."  Two words that haunted me for an entire month.  All I could think about before this surgery was this is it.  THIS is when we will find out if I am able to have a child or not.  THIS is when we will hear if it is something they can fix or not.  THIS is when the doctors will really know what we are dealing with or are up against.  I was preparing for the worst.  The results of this test were going to affect the rest of my life.  My entire future.  I was dreading hearing that the doctors couldn't fix it and I wouldn't be able to have my own children.  The mere thought of this kept sucking me under and God had to keep pulling me back up. 


I realized during all of this that treading water isn't a bad thing.  You work your darndest to keep your head up and sometimes you succeed while other times you dip under for a little bit.  I got to the point before hearing my results that I said I am giving up on treading water.  I can't do this anymore and that is when it happened.  That is when my friend said to me, "Dana, you always tell me to be still.  Do I need to be telling you that right now?"  And IT HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS!  I didn't need to be treading water, I didn't need to be carrying any of this weight because God would carry it for me.  Right there!  Right in that moment when my friend used my own go-to line against me, I realized God was speaking to me.  He can calm the seas, He can walk on water, and He can meet me in my needs.  I just needed to be still (in the water) and He would be there to catch me and help me float. 

At the end of the surgery I was told it is not something that could be "fixed" but it is something we could "work with."  First of all - God has a funny sense of humor in showing me that HE MADE ME, He created me exactly how he wanted me and it wasn't going to be something that needed to be fixed.  Second, He brought us to another step but this time the answers still gave us hope.  

Wherever you may be today, I pray that you just stop.  Stop treading water.  Stop trying to keep your head above it and let yourself be still.  See what God does to the rough waters then.  See Him walk on the water to reach you.  See Him calm your storm and give you peace in being still during your present circumstances. 

Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fires you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

2 Samuel 22:17 He sent me from on high, he took me; he drew me out of many waters.

Platforms

Each month, after we find out that we are not pregnant, we have a bit of a ritual.  We keep ourselves busy and distracted for three whole days.  We “relax” and take a break from thinking about treatments, shots, medicine, doctor’s appointments and hormones.  During these three days I allow myself to eat what I want and drink what I want and not adhere to my strict fertility diet.

Also, admittedly during this three-day period, I try to avoid any and all conversations with those that are close to me.  I tend to (or purposely) avoid people who have kids, are pregnant or have babies.  I put myself in a “baby-free” bubble and the only way I get out of it is by force or by choice.  Life almost feels “normal.”

Then comes day four.  At this point we either have to begin our next treatment or make a decision as to what our next step will be.  We talk with the nurses and the doctors, get their advice and then pray.  This month, Day. Four. Was. Tough.

Depending on my mood, any one of my close friends or family could get a day four call or text message indicating my lack of hope at the moment and this time, it was my older sister. 

For a little background, my sister has two beautiful children, a son in the thick of potty training and a two-month-old baby girl.  As you can imagine, she has a lot going on but she always makes time for her baby sister.  She is a loving wife, amazing mom and the best friend anyone could ask for.  She knows quite a few people who are walking through some pretty deep valleys in their lives so when I talk to her, I am always provided great perspective. 

Because of the fact that she has so many friends going through so many things, I hate to “complain” about my circumstances.  You see, I am one of those people who rates struggles.  I put things on a scale and try to gauge what everyone must be going through.  Most of the time, I think that other peoples’ battles are a lot harder than mine and I mentioned this to Jess.  I told her that I feel guilty being sad or disappointed because my battle can’t be nearly as hard as theirs. 

Her response to that statement has been on my heart for a week now and I asked her if she would allow me to share it with all of you.  She said, “Dane, there are things that happen in everyones life that are not anticipated.  Things that we wouldn’t have “planned” or asked for ourselves.  Nonetheless, they happen.  It is through these unexpected events that God shows us that His plan is so much better than our own.  It is through these things that God gives us our platform.  Some people who have gone through infertility don’t share their story; they go through it but it’s not their platform.  This struggle is your platform.”

The platform concept is what hit me the hardest.  I realize that while I sometimes think that one struggle outweighs another, the people going through that other thing may not be called to use it as their way to reach others.  God may have a different platform in mind for them.  As for me, I know that God has laid it upon my heart to share our story in hopes that we will someday be able to help others who walk through infertility.  Just like He has called people who have survived cancer to bring awareness to others.  Or, the way he calls former alcoholics to sponsor those that need help.  Or, the way He calls on a mom whose kids have had behavioral problems in the past to be there for a young mom experiencing the same thing.  The examples are endless. 

It is through that conversation with my sister that God gave me a glimpse of groundwork that He is laying in our life and that is why I share my sister’s wisdom with you. 

The Holy Spirit wants someone else to hear this and know that their struggle is not for nothing but rather it is a platform in which to glorify God in the hard times.  You may not think that your problems are as hard as someone else’s but your actions as a result of those problems could have eternal impacts.  

What is your struggle?  More importantly, what is your platform?

I Peter 3:15
But in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect. 

James 1:2-8
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. ...

Don't Discount Your Testimony

I remember sitting at the dining room table with my grandma two years ago on Thanksgiving talking about a Women's conference I had just been to in the Quad Cities.  I talked about the speakers and their excitement and zest for the Lord even after everything they had been through.  Their testimonies were so powerful.  I distinctly remember thinking after that conference, and sharing at that Thanksgiving table with my grandma, that I just hadn't had the struggle that these women have had.  How will I ever have a profound impact on the world if I've never truly had to struggle and wrestle with my faith?  Why would anyone want to hear my story? Its so basic and boring.

My grandma is one of the most wise women I know.  She exudes joy in every circumstance and glorifies God with everything she does.  Her response to my "complaint" was, "Mi hija, some people don't go through that dessert.  Some people are just there to be strong enough for those that struggle.  If you haven't struggled through that, there is still so much power in being strong and supporting someone during their difficulties.  You don't have to be the one going through the dessert, you just have to commit to being strong for those that need it."

She referenced the story of Moses in Exodus 17:12:

When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up--one on one side, one on the other--so that his hands remained steady till sunset.

Sometimes you are Aaron and Hur, but sometimes you are Moses.  

I soon realized, I'm not Aaron or Hur in this story and my complaint about not having a story would change right before my eyes.  A month and a half after that conversation at Thanksgiving, Jake and I decided we wanted to start trying to have kids, and that is when our story began.  Twenty months later, we are still trying for those kids.  Throughout these twenty months God has broken me down to (what feels like) the very core of my being.  Twenty times I have hoped, twenty times I have been disappointed.  Twenty times I have believed, twenty times I have been told "not now."  Twenty times I thought I was ready, twenty times I realized I was not.  Twenty times I have fought with God about His plan, twenty times He has shown me it is better than mine.  Twenty times I have argued and complained to Him out of anger, twenty times He continued to pursue me, love me, and encourage me.

I have no idea how long it will be until we discover God's plan for our family but I do know that we have gone through a lot.  I have had that hurt, that pain, and that brokenness that those women conveyed during their speeches but I don't know how much deeper God will bring us into this.  I am working on getting to the point of that joy and conditioning myself for that zest for Christ, while doing my best to be humble and genuine about my emotions.  I'm walking through the dessert of infertility without an end in sight right now.  

I share this to say that you should never discount your testimony.  Wherever you are at, God is at work in you.  If He isn't, that is because you aren't allowing Him to be.  Be open to His plan for you but be present in your current moments. 

A friend of mine recently said that she has never really had that serious struggle with her faith.  My immediate response was, "Be careful what you wish for.  That is exactly what I said the month before we started trying to have kids and here we are.  Trust in God's development of your testimony and don't overlook the work God is doing in your heart right now."

Know this, God will break you, tear you apart, and put you through the fire, if that is what He needs for your life.  You will feel heartache, disappointment and frustration but He will comfort you, surprise you, and bring back hope when you least expect it.  At the end of the day, God will create a more beautiful work of art from that brokenness than you could ever imagine.  Today you have no idea how your response to your struggle can impact those around you.  Christians are watched every day.  Just like Potiphar's wife wanted Joseph to cave to sin and Job's wife wanted him to rebuke God, there are people that want to see hard times tear you down. 

I don't know what the end of our story is but I do know that I am being refined for a greater purpose, my actions are speaking to others whether I realize it or not and my faith is growing exponentially.  I choose to trust in God's plan and I choose to let Him break me so that I can become a new creation because those that are special in my life and my someday baby deserve the best version of me possible through the grace of God.

"Blessed is the one whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty.  For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal." Job 5:17-18

"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

A Hedge of Protection

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During a conversation with my mom tonight we were talking about spiritual warfare and feeling the spiritual battles raging around us.  I mentioned that I can feel a fierce battle surrounding Jake and I right now that I know the devil is not going to be quick to surrender on.  Her response was, “Dane, you are surrounded by such a hedge of prayer warriors that even in the times that you feel too weak to battle, we will carry you, or drag you if we have to, across that finish line.” 

This got me to thinking about how thankful I am for our “hedge.” Our hedge is full of seasoned and not-so-seasoned believers who believe not only in us but most importantly in the amazing God that we serve. Our hedge is full of people who are strong when we are weak, hopeful when we are hopeless and faithful when we are not so faltering. These are the people who are walking through the very depths of this hurt with us and keeping the hope when we don’t have any.  These people are in our hedge out of their own volition; because they care so much it makes our hedge that much more meaningful. These are the most important people in our lives. They love us as Christ loves us; they love selflessly and without boundaries. They are our stronghold.

I am so grateful for these people in my life and I am so sorry if I do not recognize you or thank you enough for the roles you play in our lives and in our marriage.  Thank you for being our hedge.  Thank you for being our warriors, thank you for being our hope when we need it most.

Who are the people in your hedge?  Do they battle for you as Christ does?  Do they support you selflessly and love you without limits?  If you have these people in your life, thank them for playing the role they do.  Thank them for their support and love. 

Lastly, be someone else’s hedge.  Be willing to do life with them.  Be open to their hurts, their hearts and their happiness.  Be there.  You never know how much it will mean to them or just how much they count on you. 

Romans 12:9-10

Don’t just pretend to love others.  Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.

I Thessalonians 5:14

And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.