Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Revelation in deep disappointment

As you know, Jake and I both did the Daniel fast earlier this month.  We completed 19 days.  Throughout the fast God answered a lot of my various prayers and concerns and I was hoping he would answer our prayer for a baby. 

You see, the month before the fast we received great news that my body was finally headed in the direction of healing and being able to conceive.  In previous months we were told that we wouldn't be able to conceive until my hormone levels were right. 

It was on January 2 that I received news from my doctor saying that my body was at the right levels, there wasn't a pregnancy this month but there was at least the possibility of it (for the first time in over a year).  As such, Jake and I were extremely hopeful that we would get pregnant in January.  We decided to do the fast for many reasons but I know that both of us were praying fervently for God to answer our prayer for pregnancy.

In the week building up to finding out whether or not I was pregnant God gave me a few revelations.  Lesson 1, I realized that I was hoping to be pregnant because we were obedient and did the Daniel Fast, and in recognition of our obedience I thought God would give us a baby.  I was wrong.  I was wrong because I had considered a baby to be a "reward" for our good behavior, for our obedience.  God reminded me that it is not by works that we are saved but through Christ alone.  Jesus Christ, God's son was a gift to each of us.  He reminded me that children will not be a reward but rather a gift, a blessing.

Upon our arrival home from vacation I called my doctor to find out what my results were.  I was hoping to hear that there was a pregnancy and it was time to schedule our first ultra sound.  It was devastatingly painful to hear that my numbers had reverted back to their abnormally low levels again.  The doctor had no idea what could have made such a difference in one month. As a note, during the month of December I did a special fertility diet.  It was an extremely healthy, clean eating regimen in which I cut out a substantial amount of my normal eating habits.  This was the main difference.  On this diet I felt good.  You know those times when you just feel healthy and feel good?  During those few weeks that is how I felt.  During the month of January, we did the Daniel Fast and then we went on vacation so my fertility diet went out the window.

Lesson 2, I realize how sensitive my entire body is to my eating plan.  The only difference between December and January was my eating plan.  The medicine did not change at all.  As it is, I have had so many "health" issues during the last year that have been unexplainable and it was incredibly frustrating.  God in His plan and grace has shown me now that I need to really take care of myself and be eating well.  He knows that He has my heightened attention with regards to my body and He took the time to really reveal to me what I need and how to take care of myself. 

Now I know that eating healthy has an effect on my whole well being.  Now I know that I need to treat my body as the temple it has been created to be so that I can sustain and produce a child.  God wants our children to grow in a place that is healthy and ready to carry them someday.  God hasn't brought us a child yet because He knows my body is not ready for it.     

While the pain is still there, I realize that we need to, once again, choose joy because God is still changing us.  He is still molding us, He is still preparing us to be the exact parents he wants us to be. 

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