I Corinthians 13: 4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.
On May 6th, we began meeting with a fertility specialist. Through a series of tests we have figured out that everything on Jake's end is good, praise God! We also found out that there may be more strikes against me than we originally thought. While initially that was a blow to my ego and my pride, I realize that I have been battling Satan against feeling inadequate for a year and a half now, I can handle a couple more strikes. I know that regardless of my reproductive "flaws" I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I hold onto that truth and I believe it in my heart.
Last month we decided to pursue our first treatment called an IUI. Last night, after a long month of blood tests, hormones, ultrasounds and shots, we found out that the IUI did not work. Our doctor warned us that he thinks my right tube is blocked and we knew this going into the treatment. After taking the hormones my nurse told us that the dominant egg was on the right side of my uterus. We knew going in that if I do in fact have a blocked tube, this egg will not be released. As such, there was a reality that both of us were facing during our two week wait that this may not work. While neither of us thought "it" would happen this time because of the tube situation, because we believe God is our healer and the doer of miracles, we had hope that it might work anyways.
We took the news pretty well, better than I thought we would. I took it much better than I personally thought I would. On Sunday our pastor did a sermon on taking things one day at a time and quoted Matthew 6:34 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. This brought both of us peace and really took away any anxiety or worry we were harboring about receiving the test results the next day.
Regardless of this peace, when we heard the news I began to feel numb. So many thoughts ran through my head like: How old will we actually be once we have kids? How many tries is this going to take? Will we get pregnant naturally or do we need to start looking into adoption? What if we are one of those couples that just can't have kids? Does my husband blame me? God, why are you making us wait so long? Are you going to bring us through deeper heartache than what we've already gone through? Can I really submit all of this to the Lord? How much is it going to take to "build" this testimony? What if all my friends get pregnant before I do? How will I handle all of that?
I realize that each of those questions are situational. They all reflected how I was feeling. None of them were said in a submissive posture but rather a proud posture, an angry posture, a selfish posture.
We always hear I Corinthians 13:4-8 said at weddings and we quote it often referencing love in our earthly relationships. However, for the very first time in my life, I looked at in terms of my love for God. Is my love for Him patient? Kind? Proud? Self-seeking? Easily angered? Am I keeping a record of wrongs? Do I always hope? Trust? Persevere?
I write this morning to confess that I do not love God the way I should. I have failed to love him in the way that He calls me to. So often I reference that verse in the way I am loving my husband and how I am treating him, but I now realize that that needs to be the standard of my most important relationship, my relationship with Jesus Christ.
People always ask me "how do you know you are ready for kids?", and my response is that I don't. We won't know we are ready for kids until we get pregnant. When God blesses us with a baby, then I will know He thinks we are ready. Until He decides to trust me with one of His children, I need to work on preparing my heart and my faith. This is not my choice. It is not my time.
Nonetheless, as of this morning, because I want to love God the way He calls me to love I will hope, I will trust, and I will persevere. I will not be angered, and I will try my hardest not to be self-seeking. I will not chalk up this failed IUI as a negative point for God. I will do my best not to envy others whom God decides are ready for kids but rather I will be kind, I will be humbled and I will know and believe that God's love never fails.
And finally, I will see this "kid-less" time with my husband as a wonderful blessing and an opportunity to continue to build a solid faith foundation for our marriage and our family.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Feeling Defeated
This past week I just can't seem to get the feeling that this pregnancy is never going to happen out of my head. There have been so many hurdles, so many doctors calls, so many insurance questions, so many delays.
Going into this and last week I was able to maintain the attitude that God is teaching me patience and showing me just how much of this is out of my control AND out of the doctor's control. Everything having to do with infertility work ups has to do with your natural body cycle and the fact that mine is inconsistent, unpredictable and longer than most peoples does not help.
Being on the hormones has made me feel so insecure about myself. I have gained weight, I constantly feel emotional and bloated and this isn't even the high dosage. I now have to get a vaccine renewed because I grew out of it and that will push back any potential treatments for at least a month and we are JUST getting our infertility work up wrapped up next week...so it is more of a waiting game again.
Worry has gotten the best of me in every aspect of my life right now, my marriage, my work, my hope. When I say it has gotten the best of my marriage I don't mean that anything is wrong, I mean that my insecurities are seeping over and negatively affecting my marriage. I don't feel good about myself so I don't feel confident in what I look like, that in turn affects other areas of my marriage, i.e. intimacy and companionship. Honestly, it has made me really self absorbed but not in the stuck up way, in the "I don't like how I feel so I am going to feel sorry for myself" way. It's not healthy.
I look around and I see friends that are pregnant, others who are ready to have their babies any day now and I can't help but wonder if it will ever be my turn. While Facebook is so great for keeping in touch with people it can also be very hard not to play the comparison game and envy all of the pregnancy joy that others express.
I am having a hard time keeping my hope today so I am asking that you do it for me. I ask that you pray that my heart strengthens and that I free myself of insecurities.
In the mean time, God has given me these things to hold onto:
1. The nurses at my doctor's office are SO patient and understanding and their quote, "we can only control so much about our bodies," has been a wonderful reminder.
2. I need to remember that God's timing is not my own and HIS timing is perfect.
3. I have been able to spend more time with friends and take more trips. In those visits I am able to further solidify the foundations of my friendships and I have more time to pour love into their lives.
4. Everyday I am reminded just how many people are praying for us and today I am extra thankful for that.
5. Since we have to wait an entire month to even move forward with any treatments, that gives me time to be healthy and take better care of my body.
Dear God, I come to you today with a broken spirit and heavy heart. I am feeling defeated and I know that the Devil is preying on my innermost insecurities. Father, thank you for the fact that I know you are battling for me. Thank you for the fact that I know you are carrying me through this. Lord, I thank you that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and I pray that you give the doctors wisdom and discernment of the best way to work with your creation, my body. I ask that you stir in the hearts of the prayer warriors that are praying for us and I pray that today their prayers are just that much more fervent. I pray that you use our experience, our journey, our struggles and our emotions as a testament to your love. May the foundation of our marriage remain strong and may I remember that beauty lies in the eyes of my beholder. I pray that I release these negative feelings and love myself and love my husband to the best of my ability. I rebuke this attempt that the Devil is making to attack my self worth and my self esteem. I pray that I continue to honor you and hope in you no matter what I am feeling. Thank you for being my constant hope and thank you for loving me when I don't feel as hopeful. Forgive me for worrying and doubting. I serve an awesome and powerful God and I know that this is your will, whatever it may be. May your light shine through my weakness and may your will be our guide. In your name I pray, Amen.
Going into this and last week I was able to maintain the attitude that God is teaching me patience and showing me just how much of this is out of my control AND out of the doctor's control. Everything having to do with infertility work ups has to do with your natural body cycle and the fact that mine is inconsistent, unpredictable and longer than most peoples does not help.
Being on the hormones has made me feel so insecure about myself. I have gained weight, I constantly feel emotional and bloated and this isn't even the high dosage. I now have to get a vaccine renewed because I grew out of it and that will push back any potential treatments for at least a month and we are JUST getting our infertility work up wrapped up next week...so it is more of a waiting game again.
Worry has gotten the best of me in every aspect of my life right now, my marriage, my work, my hope. When I say it has gotten the best of my marriage I don't mean that anything is wrong, I mean that my insecurities are seeping over and negatively affecting my marriage. I don't feel good about myself so I don't feel confident in what I look like, that in turn affects other areas of my marriage, i.e. intimacy and companionship. Honestly, it has made me really self absorbed but not in the stuck up way, in the "I don't like how I feel so I am going to feel sorry for myself" way. It's not healthy.
I look around and I see friends that are pregnant, others who are ready to have their babies any day now and I can't help but wonder if it will ever be my turn. While Facebook is so great for keeping in touch with people it can also be very hard not to play the comparison game and envy all of the pregnancy joy that others express.
I am having a hard time keeping my hope today so I am asking that you do it for me. I ask that you pray that my heart strengthens and that I free myself of insecurities.
In the mean time, God has given me these things to hold onto:
1. The nurses at my doctor's office are SO patient and understanding and their quote, "we can only control so much about our bodies," has been a wonderful reminder.
2. I need to remember that God's timing is not my own and HIS timing is perfect.
3. I have been able to spend more time with friends and take more trips. In those visits I am able to further solidify the foundations of my friendships and I have more time to pour love into their lives.
4. Everyday I am reminded just how many people are praying for us and today I am extra thankful for that.
5. Since we have to wait an entire month to even move forward with any treatments, that gives me time to be healthy and take better care of my body.
Dear God, I come to you today with a broken spirit and heavy heart. I am feeling defeated and I know that the Devil is preying on my innermost insecurities. Father, thank you for the fact that I know you are battling for me. Thank you for the fact that I know you are carrying me through this. Lord, I thank you that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and I pray that you give the doctors wisdom and discernment of the best way to work with your creation, my body. I ask that you stir in the hearts of the prayer warriors that are praying for us and I pray that today their prayers are just that much more fervent. I pray that you use our experience, our journey, our struggles and our emotions as a testament to your love. May the foundation of our marriage remain strong and may I remember that beauty lies in the eyes of my beholder. I pray that I release these negative feelings and love myself and love my husband to the best of my ability. I rebuke this attempt that the Devil is making to attack my self worth and my self esteem. I pray that I continue to honor you and hope in you no matter what I am feeling. Thank you for being my constant hope and thank you for loving me when I don't feel as hopeful. Forgive me for worrying and doubting. I serve an awesome and powerful God and I know that this is your will, whatever it may be. May your light shine through my weakness and may your will be our guide. In your name I pray, Amen.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Seeing a Specialist - The Decision
It has been a while since I've been actively blogging and I wanted to provide an update. I searched the web for blogs about what I going through and someone who may understand how hard it is, as a Christian, to decide to see a specialist.
After a year and half of actively trying to have a baby that it was time to see a specialist. I want you to know that we did not come to this decision easily or without a lot of prayer and consideration. We desperately hoped for that miracle pregnancy that just happened against all odds. We felt like we were dishonoring God by not trusting Him for a miracle. We didn't want people to think that we were lacking faith in Him by going to see doctors but in the end, here we are, going to a specialist.
We realized that there is so much more that needs to be addressed. Up until this point, we have known that I am personally the "problem." I do not ovulate on a regular basis and my hormone levels are completely out of whack. An interesting note is that for my whole life I have struggled with exczema, food allergies, seasonal allergies and seasonal asthma. I thought that this was just a normal part of my life and that it didn't affect my overall health. I was wrong. After so many different attempts of diets and medicine and other "remedies" God has revealed to me that I have a very sensitive body and He is showing me just how much I need to be taking care of the temple He has given me. He is providing me with doctors who are learning and know more about my body than even I do and He is providing me with solutions and steps to take to not only prepare for a baby but to maintain my health.
After we finally decided that make the appointment with the specialist, I had a break down. I realized that I wasn't just avoiding making an appointment because I didn't want to disappoint God. I didn't want to disappoint myself or my husband.
I was standing there at my kitchen sink, doing the dishes when all of a sudden tears just started streaming down my face. I wasn't worried about needles, blood, meds or anything like that, I was worried about my emotional strength and in a moment of extreme weakness and vulnerability I admitted to my husband that I didn't think I would be strong enough to go through this. All I could manage to say was, "I just don't think I'm strong enough to handle any more heart ache. I don't think I can do this. It's just too hard."
There was nothing that my husband could say at that moment to make me feel better so I walked upstairs, walked into our bathroom, stood in front of the mirror bawling and cried out to God. I asked Him to take the burden away. I told him I am not strong enough.
His response, "Why do you doubt me? It is not by your strength that you will do this anyways. It is by mine." That was it. That was all I needed to hear and then I knew that we (God, Jake and I) would be able to walk this path forward. We realized that just because we are going to see a specialist does not mean that we are doubting God's provision. He was just taking us on a different baby journey than other people.
I want to take a minute and just brag on the God that I serve. What a powerful, perfect timing, super-strong God. He knew that I needed to break down and cry out to Him before I would listen and HEAR His words. My mind had been filled with so much chatter and doubt that it was drowning him out.
It never fails, it is when I feel my weakest and most broken that God shows up and loves me the most. I know in my heart that there are people out there today who are avoiding God or can't hear Him because of the chatter and sound of other things. I know there are people making excuses and pretending they are strong enough. I also know there are people that just. need. that. breakdown. Trust me, God will break you down, to build you back up. Trust Him with your weakness, let Him be your strength. He will show you things about yourself that you never imagined were possible.
After a year and half of actively trying to have a baby that it was time to see a specialist. I want you to know that we did not come to this decision easily or without a lot of prayer and consideration. We desperately hoped for that miracle pregnancy that just happened against all odds. We felt like we were dishonoring God by not trusting Him for a miracle. We didn't want people to think that we were lacking faith in Him by going to see doctors but in the end, here we are, going to a specialist.
We realized that there is so much more that needs to be addressed. Up until this point, we have known that I am personally the "problem." I do not ovulate on a regular basis and my hormone levels are completely out of whack. An interesting note is that for my whole life I have struggled with exczema, food allergies, seasonal allergies and seasonal asthma. I thought that this was just a normal part of my life and that it didn't affect my overall health. I was wrong. After so many different attempts of diets and medicine and other "remedies" God has revealed to me that I have a very sensitive body and He is showing me just how much I need to be taking care of the temple He has given me. He is providing me with doctors who are learning and know more about my body than even I do and He is providing me with solutions and steps to take to not only prepare for a baby but to maintain my health.
After we finally decided that make the appointment with the specialist, I had a break down. I realized that I wasn't just avoiding making an appointment because I didn't want to disappoint God. I didn't want to disappoint myself or my husband.
I was standing there at my kitchen sink, doing the dishes when all of a sudden tears just started streaming down my face. I wasn't worried about needles, blood, meds or anything like that, I was worried about my emotional strength and in a moment of extreme weakness and vulnerability I admitted to my husband that I didn't think I would be strong enough to go through this. All I could manage to say was, "I just don't think I'm strong enough to handle any more heart ache. I don't think I can do this. It's just too hard."
There was nothing that my husband could say at that moment to make me feel better so I walked upstairs, walked into our bathroom, stood in front of the mirror bawling and cried out to God. I asked Him to take the burden away. I told him I am not strong enough.
His response, "Why do you doubt me? It is not by your strength that you will do this anyways. It is by mine." That was it. That was all I needed to hear and then I knew that we (God, Jake and I) would be able to walk this path forward. We realized that just because we are going to see a specialist does not mean that we are doubting God's provision. He was just taking us on a different baby journey than other people.
I want to take a minute and just brag on the God that I serve. What a powerful, perfect timing, super-strong God. He knew that I needed to break down and cry out to Him before I would listen and HEAR His words. My mind had been filled with so much chatter and doubt that it was drowning him out.
It never fails, it is when I feel my weakest and most broken that God shows up and loves me the most. I know in my heart that there are people out there today who are avoiding God or can't hear Him because of the chatter and sound of other things. I know there are people making excuses and pretending they are strong enough. I also know there are people that just. need. that. breakdown. Trust me, God will break you down, to build you back up. Trust Him with your weakness, let Him be your strength. He will show you things about yourself that you never imagined were possible.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
What does being crabby do for you? - Nothing!
In the past few days I have been really crabby. Nothing seems to put me a better mood. I have had a bad attitude toward everything and everyone. I feel bad for the people who have been around me during this time because I know that I have not been pleasant company.
Yours truly has felt like I have a right to be angry and mad
at the world. I know that I struggle
with this every year around my birthday; I don’t “feel” like I am in the
“right” place in my life. Then again, I
have been so wishy-washy that at times I feel absolutely wonderful where I am. I just can’t seem to find that peace. I have decided that it is time to make a new
birthday tradition. A tradition rooted
in gratitude, hope and joy. I don’t want
to complain about where I am at or compare my life to others. I want to be at peace in Dana time. For those of you that have read this in the
past you know that this is something I struggle with and I am sure you are
asking, “ok, so what’s the deal, why does this keep coming up?” I’ll tell you why, because the Devil knows
that he can get me with this. He schemes
every year and pounces when I am weak. Right
now, I am committing to changing my attitude before my birthday arrives and I’ve
got two whole weeks to prepare for it.
With Christ, I know I can do it.
Hebrews 12:15 Looking diligently lest any man fail of
the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and
thereby many be defiled;
In so many of my posts I write that I choose joy and that it
takes a conscious effort to remain joyful during times of trial. For the past few days, I admit that I have
not chosen joy. This is most evident in
my relationship with my husband. He can
tell that I have been crabby and upset and he has tried to stay “out of the
way” and let me have my time alone in my wallowing. In the time that has passed my health has
deteriorated (in only three days!) proving that bitterness in your soul truly affects
every aspect of your life.
Today I have finally come to the conclusion that self-pity,
bitterness, anger, frustration and jealousy serve absolutely no purpose in my
life. They only make me more miserable. I don’t even like being around myself these
days so I am positive that my husband and others close to me don’t enjoy it
either.
Thankfully, God has said, “Enough! I’ve let you go on like this for three days and now, don’t you see? It is ruining you. It is ruining your joy and negatively affecting your relationships and your health. You are not honoring your husband by sulking like a child. You are not honoring me by walking around grumbling and complaining. This is not the life I have called you to live. Life is so much more abundant when you choose to walk in my grace and be joyful – no matter what your circumstances are. You are going to be 27, why are you complaining? I have given you 27 years of life. I have given you 9,855 mornings of breath and life. Enough I say. I am working in your life – just trust me and let me lead you. You have no idea what is to come so I want you to understand that I am preparing you. I am preparing you and I am preparing Jake for my plan and my purposes. Please, just seek me and follow. I will not lead you astray.”
Thankfully, God has said, “Enough! I’ve let you go on like this for three days and now, don’t you see? It is ruining you. It is ruining your joy and negatively affecting your relationships and your health. You are not honoring your husband by sulking like a child. You are not honoring me by walking around grumbling and complaining. This is not the life I have called you to live. Life is so much more abundant when you choose to walk in my grace and be joyful – no matter what your circumstances are. You are going to be 27, why are you complaining? I have given you 27 years of life. I have given you 9,855 mornings of breath and life. Enough I say. I am working in your life – just trust me and let me lead you. You have no idea what is to come so I want you to understand that I am preparing you. I am preparing you and I am preparing Jake for my plan and my purposes. Please, just seek me and follow. I will not lead you astray.”
Friday, February 15, 2013
A Glimpse
You know those time when you think you are having just a regular conversation with a friend and they say something that really is good advice and you smile, acknowledge it, think about it as it applies (or how you think it applies) to your life and then store it away in a memory bank of conversation. I JUST had one of those conversations Wednesday evening.
My dear friend Heather and I go for walks every week. We are cheerleaders for each other, confide in one another and God has blessed us as friends. She is the type of woman and mom I aspire to be. Her honesty and faith are an inspiration to me and I am blessed to be able to walk and have fellowship with her on a weekly basis. She is one of the most genuine people I've ever met.
Yesterday we were walking and of course, I brought her up to speed on my fertility numbers and she said, "You know what I think, God was giving you a glimpse. He was showing you that He does have that plan for you but it's not right now. Now is just not your time. You have that hope and He wanted to show you that, but it's just not for right now."
"Is anything too hard for the Lord? At the appointed time I will return to you, about this time next year, and Sarah shall have a son.” Genesis 18:14
I completely agreed with her and it was a nice way to look at how God, even when we feel hopeless, gives us hope in the midst of trials.
"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."
Isaiah 40:31 ESV
I fully understood how it applied to our journey trying to have a baby and then we moved onto other topics of conversation.
Something I may not have shared on here yet is that I am pursuing a certificate in Trauma & Crisis Response. I honestly can't tell you why God has called me to study this because in my heart of hearts, and looking at my past history, I don't feel like I am equipped for that field. However, out of obedience, I am taking the classes and God is preparing me for something. I, as well as my entire family, can sense that God is stirring in my heart and preparing me for some specific path. What that particular thing is no one but God knows at this point.
Heather told me about an opportunity in which I may be able to use my new certification and initially I told her I would pray about it but once my insecurities resurfaced, I didn't believe I would pursue anything. In the next couple of days I sought prayer from the people who know me best, my husband, my parents and my sister. We all knew that this would be a big step for me and a large change. The first day, I just asked people to pray for me to simply see whether or not God wants me to move toward this opportunity. I prayed the same thing but I was still fearful.
One of the very first things I learned in my crisis class is that when God calls you into crisis and trauma care, He is calling you to be his very hands and feet to people in the midst of some of the deepest, darkest, most intimate struggles of their lives. Talk about heavy! I also learned that when God calls you to join in those moments, He knows you are capable and will equip you to be able to handle it.
On my second day praying I could feel in my heart God wanted me to follow up on the opportunity out of obedience. All of the usual concerns came to mind and my personal sanity and well being was at the forefront of peoples' minds. More than once I was told that "it probably just isn't the best environment for you to be a part of. Knowing how you can be affected by the littlest of things, it may not be the best idea for you to be the one to carry these peoples' burdens."
It was after those comments that God revealed an amazing truth to me. Those people are absolutely right. On my own, I know that I would not be able to handle this stuff. I know that I would struggle with the hurt that others are feeling beyond my control. I know that I would get angry and have to wrestle through some injustices. BUT at the end of the day God said to me, "Dana, my child, they are right. You can't handle this on your own but I would never ask you to. I am calling you to this because I know that I can give you strength. If you, as someone who knows my heart, can't come to defend and be a warrior for my kingdom for the saddest of my children, who will? Can I call on you to carry them with me? Will you count on me to carry you?"
To everyone who has ever thought that they couldn't do something on their own, you are absolutely right. You can't. But thank God, literally, He never calls us to do anything on our own. In every step of our walk, in every breath of our lives, God is there. God sustains, strengthens, empowers, comforts and protects us. Do you believe that? Do you know that in your heart? Believe it! KNOW it!
I found out today that the opportunity that I was pursuing was no longer available so I know that it was not my time. That is where the GLIMPSE comes in. Heather was absolutely right but her wisdom doesn't just apply to having a baby. God gave me a glimpse into what He is preparing me for. God gave me a glimpse and in that glimpse revealed an everlasting truth to me. When He does finally call me into the field I am studying, He will already be there. He will have already created a path. He will walk me to that point, walk me through those fields and directly on the path that He created in advance. And most importantly, He will not expect me to travel alone.
Today I want you to rest in the fact that God is preparing a path for you. Whether or not you are in the midst of a struggle of a hard time, you are not alone. God does not expect you to carry this all on your own. Remember, He is always by your side but also remember, if you don't go or do the things you are doing on God's behalf, who will?
"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."
Galatians 6:9 ESV
My dear friend Heather and I go for walks every week. We are cheerleaders for each other, confide in one another and God has blessed us as friends. She is the type of woman and mom I aspire to be. Her honesty and faith are an inspiration to me and I am blessed to be able to walk and have fellowship with her on a weekly basis. She is one of the most genuine people I've ever met.
Yesterday we were walking and of course, I brought her up to speed on my fertility numbers and she said, "You know what I think, God was giving you a glimpse. He was showing you that He does have that plan for you but it's not right now. Now is just not your time. You have that hope and He wanted to show you that, but it's just not for right now."
"Is anything too hard for the Lord? At the appointed time I will return to you, about this time next year, and Sarah shall have a son.” Genesis 18:14
I completely agreed with her and it was a nice way to look at how God, even when we feel hopeless, gives us hope in the midst of trials.
"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."
Isaiah 40:31 ESV
I fully understood how it applied to our journey trying to have a baby and then we moved onto other topics of conversation.
Something I may not have shared on here yet is that I am pursuing a certificate in Trauma & Crisis Response. I honestly can't tell you why God has called me to study this because in my heart of hearts, and looking at my past history, I don't feel like I am equipped for that field. However, out of obedience, I am taking the classes and God is preparing me for something. I, as well as my entire family, can sense that God is stirring in my heart and preparing me for some specific path. What that particular thing is no one but God knows at this point.
Heather told me about an opportunity in which I may be able to use my new certification and initially I told her I would pray about it but once my insecurities resurfaced, I didn't believe I would pursue anything. In the next couple of days I sought prayer from the people who know me best, my husband, my parents and my sister. We all knew that this would be a big step for me and a large change. The first day, I just asked people to pray for me to simply see whether or not God wants me to move toward this opportunity. I prayed the same thing but I was still fearful.
One of the very first things I learned in my crisis class is that when God calls you into crisis and trauma care, He is calling you to be his very hands and feet to people in the midst of some of the deepest, darkest, most intimate struggles of their lives. Talk about heavy! I also learned that when God calls you to join in those moments, He knows you are capable and will equip you to be able to handle it.
On my second day praying I could feel in my heart God wanted me to follow up on the opportunity out of obedience. All of the usual concerns came to mind and my personal sanity and well being was at the forefront of peoples' minds. More than once I was told that "it probably just isn't the best environment for you to be a part of. Knowing how you can be affected by the littlest of things, it may not be the best idea for you to be the one to carry these peoples' burdens."
It was after those comments that God revealed an amazing truth to me. Those people are absolutely right. On my own, I know that I would not be able to handle this stuff. I know that I would struggle with the hurt that others are feeling beyond my control. I know that I would get angry and have to wrestle through some injustices. BUT at the end of the day God said to me, "Dana, my child, they are right. You can't handle this on your own but I would never ask you to. I am calling you to this because I know that I can give you strength. If you, as someone who knows my heart, can't come to defend and be a warrior for my kingdom for the saddest of my children, who will? Can I call on you to carry them with me? Will you count on me to carry you?"
To everyone who has ever thought that they couldn't do something on their own, you are absolutely right. You can't. But thank God, literally, He never calls us to do anything on our own. In every step of our walk, in every breath of our lives, God is there. God sustains, strengthens, empowers, comforts and protects us. Do you believe that? Do you know that in your heart? Believe it! KNOW it!
I found out today that the opportunity that I was pursuing was no longer available so I know that it was not my time. That is where the GLIMPSE comes in. Heather was absolutely right but her wisdom doesn't just apply to having a baby. God gave me a glimpse into what He is preparing me for. God gave me a glimpse and in that glimpse revealed an everlasting truth to me. When He does finally call me into the field I am studying, He will already be there. He will have already created a path. He will walk me to that point, walk me through those fields and directly on the path that He created in advance. And most importantly, He will not expect me to travel alone.
Today I want you to rest in the fact that God is preparing a path for you. Whether or not you are in the midst of a struggle of a hard time, you are not alone. God does not expect you to carry this all on your own. Remember, He is always by your side but also remember, if you don't go or do the things you are doing on God's behalf, who will?
"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."
Galatians 6:9 ESV
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Strength in Numbers: A Love Note
For the first time, Jake and I both had real high hopes for pregnancy. This time, he and I BOTH have really experienced disappointment. Jake has been my rock throughout this and still continues to be. Without God and without Jake's strength from the Lord and the encouragement he provides me, I would not be who I am at this moment. While Jake and I dated for a long time before we got married, it has been in this past year that I feel we have grown the most as a couple. This growth has come as a result, not of our trips or activities together but as a result of our faith in God. We both realize that this is our testimony. We both realize that we will not be the only people this happens to and we both realize that God is walking us through this. However, there are times when the sense of loss and disappointment is so great, all you can do is seek God with one another.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
Jake and I try to make it a point to pray together every single night. I believe this is a foundational part of our marriage. The fact that Jake allows me to hear his most intimate conversations with God truly unites us. The same goes for the fact that I trust him so much that I am willing to let him hear my concerns and conversations with the Lord. God is my number one but Jake is my number two. To speak to both of them at once and let them simply hear me means the world to me.
Because both of us choose to seek God during our trials and struggles, it strengthens our marriage. As you can see in Eclessiastes 4:12 a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Between Jake, God and myself, we grow stronger each day. I sincerely believe that if he or I had our focus elsewhere this year would have been WAY harder and entirely different. Instead of being hopeless, we are hopeful, instead of being sad, we choose joy. Instead of turning our backs on God in frustration, we turn towards him for grace and patience. Before this year I didn't know what it was to truly seek God with my husband. To seek Him as a unit. Now, we have learned what it means to submit to him as one. We have more strength together than we do alone. We have strength in numbers, we have strength from God.
I want to take a moment and just express my gratitude and love for my husband. He is the strongest, most capable man I have ever met in my entire life. He lights up a room with his humor and is the center of my world. He is a solid man of God and continues to seek God with his whole heart (probably the biggest turn on in the world). He works harder than anyone I know and has a zest for life that is hard to compete with. He is easy going but is passionate about his family and his faith. He is a protector. He is compassionate, loving and has a heart for the least of us. My husband is the head of our home. He is the most important person in my life and I adore him. I will always strive to provide him strength, encouragement, love and acceptance. I hope to always encourage him to be the best man that he can be and allow God to work in his life. I do my best to release his care and life to God always. I am so blessed that God has given me this man on earth to share in sorrow, joy, and everything in between.
I realize this is a cheesy post but there are times when you need encouragement. Today is a day that I want to encourage my husband. I want him to know, baby or not, he is the best man I know and I'm blessed to call him my husband. I am honored to be his wife.
I love you, Jake. I thank God for our trials because we wouldn't be the man and wife we are without them. Thank you for being there for me through all of this and thank you for sharing in this journey.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for my husband. Thank you for drawing us closer together and nearer to you throughout this past year. I pray that we continue to walk through these trials together and I want you to know that I am grateful for each day that passes. I do not wish any of this time away because I know that this is your will. Thank you for the one-on-one moments I get to share with my husband without any other distractions. Thank you for letting us focus entirely on one another. Thank you for giving us strength. Thank you for our faith and thank you for preparing our hearts so that we will be ready for our someday baby. I am so grateful for this time, I am so grateful for this struggle. In your powerful name I pray, amen.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
Jake and I try to make it a point to pray together every single night. I believe this is a foundational part of our marriage. The fact that Jake allows me to hear his most intimate conversations with God truly unites us. The same goes for the fact that I trust him so much that I am willing to let him hear my concerns and conversations with the Lord. God is my number one but Jake is my number two. To speak to both of them at once and let them simply hear me means the world to me.
Because both of us choose to seek God during our trials and struggles, it strengthens our marriage. As you can see in Eclessiastes 4:12 a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Between Jake, God and myself, we grow stronger each day. I sincerely believe that if he or I had our focus elsewhere this year would have been WAY harder and entirely different. Instead of being hopeless, we are hopeful, instead of being sad, we choose joy. Instead of turning our backs on God in frustration, we turn towards him for grace and patience. Before this year I didn't know what it was to truly seek God with my husband. To seek Him as a unit. Now, we have learned what it means to submit to him as one. We have more strength together than we do alone. We have strength in numbers, we have strength from God.
I want to take a moment and just express my gratitude and love for my husband. He is the strongest, most capable man I have ever met in my entire life. He lights up a room with his humor and is the center of my world. He is a solid man of God and continues to seek God with his whole heart (probably the biggest turn on in the world). He works harder than anyone I know and has a zest for life that is hard to compete with. He is easy going but is passionate about his family and his faith. He is a protector. He is compassionate, loving and has a heart for the least of us. My husband is the head of our home. He is the most important person in my life and I adore him. I will always strive to provide him strength, encouragement, love and acceptance. I hope to always encourage him to be the best man that he can be and allow God to work in his life. I do my best to release his care and life to God always. I am so blessed that God has given me this man on earth to share in sorrow, joy, and everything in between.
I realize this is a cheesy post but there are times when you need encouragement. Today is a day that I want to encourage my husband. I want him to know, baby or not, he is the best man I know and I'm blessed to call him my husband. I am honored to be his wife.
I love you, Jake. I thank God for our trials because we wouldn't be the man and wife we are without them. Thank you for being there for me through all of this and thank you for sharing in this journey.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for my husband. Thank you for drawing us closer together and nearer to you throughout this past year. I pray that we continue to walk through these trials together and I want you to know that I am grateful for each day that passes. I do not wish any of this time away because I know that this is your will. Thank you for the one-on-one moments I get to share with my husband without any other distractions. Thank you for letting us focus entirely on one another. Thank you for giving us strength. Thank you for our faith and thank you for preparing our hearts so that we will be ready for our someday baby. I am so grateful for this time, I am so grateful for this struggle. In your powerful name I pray, amen.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Revelation in deep disappointment
As you know, Jake and I both did the Daniel fast earlier this month. We completed 19 days. Throughout the fast God answered a lot of my various prayers and concerns and I was hoping he would answer our prayer for a baby.
You see, the month before the fast we received great news that my body was finally headed in the direction of healing and being able to conceive. In previous months we were told that we wouldn't be able to conceive until my hormone levels were right.
It was on January 2 that I received news from my doctor saying that my body was at the right levels, there wasn't a pregnancy this month but there was at least the possibility of it (for the first time in over a year). As such, Jake and I were extremely hopeful that we would get pregnant in January. We decided to do the fast for many reasons but I know that both of us were praying fervently for God to answer our prayer for pregnancy.
In the week building up to finding out whether or not I was pregnant God gave me a few revelations. Lesson 1, I realized that I was hoping to be pregnant because we were obedient and did the Daniel Fast, and in recognition of our obedience I thought God would give us a baby. I was wrong. I was wrong because I had considered a baby to be a "reward" for our good behavior, for our obedience. God reminded me that it is not by works that we are saved but through Christ alone. Jesus Christ, God's son was a gift to each of us. He reminded me that children will not be a reward but rather a gift, a blessing.
Upon our arrival home from vacation I called my doctor to find out what my results were. I was hoping to hear that there was a pregnancy and it was time to schedule our first ultra sound. It was devastatingly painful to hear that my numbers had reverted back to their abnormally low levels again. The doctor had no idea what could have made such a difference in one month. As a note, during the month of December I did a special fertility diet. It was an extremely healthy, clean eating regimen in which I cut out a substantial amount of my normal eating habits. This was the main difference. On this diet I felt good. You know those times when you just feel healthy and feel good? During those few weeks that is how I felt. During the month of January, we did the Daniel Fast and then we went on vacation so my fertility diet went out the window.
Lesson 2, I realize how sensitive my entire body is to my eating plan. The only difference between December and January was my eating plan. The medicine did not change at all. As it is, I have had so many "health" issues during the last year that have been unexplainable and it was incredibly frustrating. God in His plan and grace has shown me now that I need to really take care of myself and be eating well. He knows that He has my heightened attention with regards to my body and He took the time to really reveal to me what I need and how to take care of myself.
Now I know that eating healthy has an effect on my whole well being. Now I know that I need to treat my body as the temple it has been created to be so that I can sustain and produce a child. God wants our children to grow in a place that is healthy and ready to carry them someday. God hasn't brought us a child yet because He knows my body is not ready for it.
While the pain is still there, I realize that we need to, once again, choose joy because God is still changing us. He is still molding us, He is still preparing us to be the exact parents he wants us to be.
You see, the month before the fast we received great news that my body was finally headed in the direction of healing and being able to conceive. In previous months we were told that we wouldn't be able to conceive until my hormone levels were right.
It was on January 2 that I received news from my doctor saying that my body was at the right levels, there wasn't a pregnancy this month but there was at least the possibility of it (for the first time in over a year). As such, Jake and I were extremely hopeful that we would get pregnant in January. We decided to do the fast for many reasons but I know that both of us were praying fervently for God to answer our prayer for pregnancy.
In the week building up to finding out whether or not I was pregnant God gave me a few revelations. Lesson 1, I realized that I was hoping to be pregnant because we were obedient and did the Daniel Fast, and in recognition of our obedience I thought God would give us a baby. I was wrong. I was wrong because I had considered a baby to be a "reward" for our good behavior, for our obedience. God reminded me that it is not by works that we are saved but through Christ alone. Jesus Christ, God's son was a gift to each of us. He reminded me that children will not be a reward but rather a gift, a blessing.
Upon our arrival home from vacation I called my doctor to find out what my results were. I was hoping to hear that there was a pregnancy and it was time to schedule our first ultra sound. It was devastatingly painful to hear that my numbers had reverted back to their abnormally low levels again. The doctor had no idea what could have made such a difference in one month. As a note, during the month of December I did a special fertility diet. It was an extremely healthy, clean eating regimen in which I cut out a substantial amount of my normal eating habits. This was the main difference. On this diet I felt good. You know those times when you just feel healthy and feel good? During those few weeks that is how I felt. During the month of January, we did the Daniel Fast and then we went on vacation so my fertility diet went out the window.
Lesson 2, I realize how sensitive my entire body is to my eating plan. The only difference between December and January was my eating plan. The medicine did not change at all. As it is, I have had so many "health" issues during the last year that have been unexplainable and it was incredibly frustrating. God in His plan and grace has shown me now that I need to really take care of myself and be eating well. He knows that He has my heightened attention with regards to my body and He took the time to really reveal to me what I need and how to take care of myself.
Now I know that eating healthy has an effect on my whole well being. Now I know that I need to treat my body as the temple it has been created to be so that I can sustain and produce a child. God wants our children to grow in a place that is healthy and ready to carry them someday. God hasn't brought us a child yet because He knows my body is not ready for it.
While the pain is still there, I realize that we need to, once again, choose joy because God is still changing us. He is still molding us, He is still preparing us to be the exact parents he wants us to be.
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